do yourself a favor, don't be an idiot in public.

Today at work is pretty slow... my co-worker gave me the suggestion of making a pet peeve list of idiotic things customers do. This will get larger as more things come to mind. Also yet to come; a list of specific Stupid Monkey Incidents. That one should be fun.

STAPLES CUSTOMER INTERACTION PET PEEVES

(in no particular order)

Listen folks, we don't make the rules. We just follow them.

1. "I need a receipt for this."

Really? DAMNIT! I was going to use this one for the finishing touch on my Impenetrable Receipt Paper Fort.

2. "I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job but..."

I'm trying to tell you how to do your job.

3. While standing in aisle one, which is clearly full of reams of paper. "Where's the paper?"

Funny, I learned to read in kindergarten. Did you perchance miss that day?

4. "How do you use the fax machine?"

First of all, the ridiculously simple instructions are posted on the front. Secondly, I don't understand how you can text and drive, on your iPhone no less, and plant vegetables on Farmville, but you can't dial a damn fax machine.

5. a. Sending one person in with multiple empty ink cartridges to recycle and giving them a list of phone numbers to access the Rewards accounts.

    b. The teacher who comes in with 214 toner cartridges with all of her co-workers Rewards numbers on a sheet of paper, who then proceeds to READ you each number off the sheet... The fact that none of think ink is actually purchased at Staples OR the fact that the same singular teacher collects all $200 worth of coupons and uses them to buy a new printer from the store notwithstanding.

6. The customer that cuts you off before you finish asking if they are Rewards members.

I am not trying to sell you anything, damnit. I'm basically trying to give you free money, if you would just set your fucking cell phone down and listen for two seconds. Even then, a "No, thank you" is what civilized humans do.

7. When working front end; "Why can't you just show me where the office chairs are?"

Do you see this box? I can't leave this box. If I leave, who will ring out the other customers? Oh, I'm sorry, did you think you were the only one in the store?

8. My favorite Easy Tech question, "Why isn't my Facebook working?"

Because the Facebook faeries fucking hate you.

9. "Where are your ink cartridges?"

Right under the giant sign that says "INK CARTRIDGES"

10. "How do I put money on this card?"

Is following the prompts really that difficult for you? Seriously. Who pulls your pants down for you when you pee? (This does not count if you're like 100, that is a technological gap I can understand.)

11. "How much is this?" $199.99. "Are you sure? That can't be right."

No, I'm just telling you that to mess with you. Really, it's $100 but I'm going to pocket the other $99.99 and take the tech boys out for drinks after we close tonight.

12. "You guys don't do FedEx?"

What gave it away? The giant sign on the front door that says 'UPS DROP OFF' or the two signs at the counter that say 'WE DO NOT ACCEPT FEDEX' ?

13. "Well that's stupid, you should(n't) do that. I'm going to talk to your manager about it."

Go ahead. He/She's going to tell you the exact same thing I just did. But really, go for it, waste our time. I get paid to watch you throw your fit. I also get the bonus of laughing about it for the next hour after you walk out the door. What do you get? Nothing. An accelerated heart rate and success in making yourself look like a total asshole.

14. Control. Your. Fucking. Children. We are not their babysitters. If I have to tell one more parent that their child is making a break for the parking lot because they're too busy eying the 50cent suckers at the cash register, I may just go bathshit on a motherfucker.

15. The customer who complains about there being "too many questions on the credit card pad".
Because complaining to me is going to make a difference. Even if I were to tell my boss, there's nothing he can do about it either. Seriously. All you have to do is decide if you want cash back and if the amount is correct. If these simple questions create such a problem for you, maybe you should start carrying cash.