dreams to dream in the dark of the night.

dreameR. 

(you know you fucking loved this movie as a child. take a moment, feel 7 again. no one will know.)

Ever had a dream, and woke up, and realized halfway through your day that it sort of came true? Not one of those ones where you wish for a pony that shits cupcakes and rainbows, but one that seems plausible. Like a dream where you're suddenly driving an Escalade or living in a penthouse and you wake up and find a $20 bill in your pocket that you'd forgotten about. (Or, in my case, my bra. I stash money there and always forget about it.) The dreams where you find something you thought you'd lost years ago and the next day when you're doing laundry you find it stashed in your underwear drawer next to your period panties. Or one where you see yourself doing something, then wake up and are halfway through the action before you realize you were doing the same thing in your head the night before. I always wonder if these are self fulfilling prophecies. Do we follow through with these actions because we subconsciously think we should?

For example, and this is TOTALLY random, last night I had a dream that I was at Cracker Barrel eating one of those huge breffast meals. (I've been eating A LOT of breffast food lately, and honestly, I'm pretty pumped about it. I love me some waffles. I'm one short stack away from turning into an omelet... does that even make sense?) These meals always come complete with a bowl of grits or oatmeal or whatever. I had completely forgotten about this dream until I'm halfway through eating the bowl of grits and butter bread before it comes back to me. Yes, it's strange I didn't remember my dream because I almost always do. And yes, it's actually pretty strange that he was not in this one (thankyoujesus), and yes, perhaps it is very strange that I was dreaming about breakfast food. But it happened, then I did it. So is it a self fulfilling prophecy? Did I subconsciously want this Southern favorite because I'd been eating them in my dreams the night before?

If that's the case, the dreams that I have are kinda ...scary. They're generally about 80/20. 20% of the time I dream about fucking up and letting everyone down. The other 80%? Ugh. I've covered this before. Perhaps it's just my subconscious reminding me that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'll never not be the person I was a year ago, that will always be a part of me. People don't change, their circumstances do. I'll never not feel the way I do. But I'm in a different chapter of my life now... who knows what the next one will bring.

Be a dreamer. Sure, you should set attainable goals. But it never hurts to wish for something more. As long as it doesn't consume you, it's a healthy addition to your life; it gives you motivation. I'm stubborn. I refuse to give up. My dreams will fucking come true, or I'll know the reason why. There's nothing wrong with seeing the potential that's out there, it's unlimited. You may not always get what you want, that's true. Life is not fair. But a guaranteed way to achieve that is to never try... You never know till you try. Till you ask. Know what you want. Figure out what it takes to get it. Don't settle.

come with me leave yesterday behind, 
and take a giant step outside your mind.

courtesy;the.monkees.

do yourself a favor, don't be an idiot in public.

Today at work is pretty slow... my co-worker gave me the suggestion of making a pet peeve list of idiotic things customers do. This will get larger as more things come to mind. Also yet to come; a list of specific Stupid Monkey Incidents. That one should be fun.

STAPLES CUSTOMER INTERACTION PET PEEVES

(in no particular order)

Listen folks, we don't make the rules. We just follow them.

1. "I need a receipt for this."

Really? DAMNIT! I was going to use this one for the finishing touch on my Impenetrable Receipt Paper Fort.

2. "I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job but..."

I'm trying to tell you how to do your job.

3. While standing in aisle one, which is clearly full of reams of paper. "Where's the paper?"

Funny, I learned to read in kindergarten. Did you perchance miss that day?

4. "How do you use the fax machine?"

First of all, the ridiculously simple instructions are posted on the front. Secondly, I don't understand how you can text and drive, on your iPhone no less, and plant vegetables on Farmville, but you can't dial a damn fax machine.

5. a. Sending one person in with multiple empty ink cartridges to recycle and giving them a list of phone numbers to access the Rewards accounts.

    b. The teacher who comes in with 214 toner cartridges with all of her co-workers Rewards numbers on a sheet of paper, who then proceeds to READ you each number off the sheet... The fact that none of think ink is actually purchased at Staples OR the fact that the same singular teacher collects all $200 worth of coupons and uses them to buy a new printer from the store notwithstanding.

6. The customer that cuts you off before you finish asking if they are Rewards members.

I am not trying to sell you anything, damnit. I'm basically trying to give you free money, if you would just set your fucking cell phone down and listen for two seconds. Even then, a "No, thank you" is what civilized humans do.

7. When working front end; "Why can't you just show me where the office chairs are?"

Do you see this box? I can't leave this box. If I leave, who will ring out the other customers? Oh, I'm sorry, did you think you were the only one in the store?

8. My favorite Easy Tech question, "Why isn't my Facebook working?"

Because the Facebook faeries fucking hate you.

9. "Where are your ink cartridges?"

Right under the giant sign that says "INK CARTRIDGES"

10. "How do I put money on this card?"

Is following the prompts really that difficult for you? Seriously. Who pulls your pants down for you when you pee? (This does not count if you're like 100, that is a technological gap I can understand.)

11. "How much is this?" $199.99. "Are you sure? That can't be right."

No, I'm just telling you that to mess with you. Really, it's $100 but I'm going to pocket the other $99.99 and take the tech boys out for drinks after we close tonight.

12. "You guys don't do FedEx?"

What gave it away? The giant sign on the front door that says 'UPS DROP OFF' or the two signs at the counter that say 'WE DO NOT ACCEPT FEDEX' ?

13. "Well that's stupid, you should(n't) do that. I'm going to talk to your manager about it."

Go ahead. He/She's going to tell you the exact same thing I just did. But really, go for it, waste our time. I get paid to watch you throw your fit. I also get the bonus of laughing about it for the next hour after you walk out the door. What do you get? Nothing. An accelerated heart rate and success in making yourself look like a total asshole.

14. Control. Your. Fucking. Children. We are not their babysitters. If I have to tell one more parent that their child is making a break for the parking lot because they're too busy eying the 50cent suckers at the cash register, I may just go bathshit on a motherfucker.

15. The customer who complains about there being "too many questions on the credit card pad".
Because complaining to me is going to make a difference. Even if I were to tell my boss, there's nothing he can do about it either. Seriously. All you have to do is decide if you want cash back and if the amount is correct. If these simple questions create such a problem for you, maybe you should start carrying cash.

saudade.

saudade.

constantly.

sigh.

...and it's Monday again...

Let's have a sum up of the awesomeness that was my weekend, shalst we?

Friday I had a date with a six pack of Newcastle's, some zombie movies, and my couch... we had a good time. I couldn't sleep for some reason though, I think it's because I dozed off on the couch and had one of my dreams and didn't particularly want to go back to it... they make me sad. So I came to my room and turned on some Red House Painters and danced myself to sleep... after about a half an hour I was too tired to stand up. I kinda felt like I was in a scene from one of those indie movies where the eccentric girl gets caught doing something, well... eccentric. In the movies, it's cute and endearing. In real life, I bet I'd get laughed at. Fact of life though, I am the eccentric girl; I'm okay with it. (Eccentric sounds so much nicer than weird, doesn't it?)

Saturday I hopped in TOWANDA and took my happy ass to Pride Fest in Tower Grove. I got to see muh Rav Rav, who I hadn't seen in at least a year, and ran into some folks I haven't seen in forfuckingever. Margaret Cho was a fucking winner, she smoked pot on stage, molestered a hot 22 year old, and made some pretty funny gay jokes. There was live music, lots of friendly people, and all kinds of scantily clad attractive folks running around. SO MANY EPIC TATTOOS. I got a lot of comments on mine, which made my day since that was the first time I'd really gotten to show it off. And, most importantly, I GOT TO DANCE. Ahh, my soul feels so much better now. It's almost as good, if not better, than sex. I never feel dirty or used after dancing. Just satisfied. Plus, you can do it in public without getting arrested. Always a bonus. A fifth and a half of vodka later I ended up at the Shanti. There was this dude, whose name now escapes me, playing a free solo set and I sat and chatted with his old lady. (At least I think she was. They were there together, riding in the same car, at any rate.) More dancing, and some pretty interesting covers. He had this one of the Gorillaz song... that also now escapes me... Anyway. You get my point. I was in the process of getting a cd of his when T-Rav uppercut me in his flamboyance. Good thing I have a hard head. I honestly didn't even really feel it, and there was no residual damage. I honestly forgot about it till just now. My evening concluded with banana-fucking-pancakes, which were so amazingly awesome. YAY for Uncle Bill's.

Sunday I had to drive back and be at work at noon... which is kind of the opposite of what I wanted to be doing, I would have rather been in the parade... but that's life. It was like 90* before noon yesterday though, so being inside in the air conditioning was no real hardship. And work was ridiculously slow. I spent most of it reading and dicking around with the copy machines. Then Jess kidnapped me and took me home to feed me homemade waffles. YES. FUCKING. WAFFLES. 

Monday, which would be today, I slept in, woke up, made coffee and made more breakfast. Crescent rolls, bacon, and eggs. I have eaten nothing but breakfast food for 3 days straight... and I am so completely okay with this. Perhaps tomorrow I will do french toast. muahahahaha.

And thus concludes an epic weekend, which I needed desperately. The cobwebs have now been shaken from my think box. I'm going to try and keep this feeling going, I gotta stay busy, I'm so much happier that way. This sitting at home and reading all the time is for the birds, it keeps me inside my head too much. 

Besides, if I dance more, I won't miss ...you... quite so much.

Or sex.

 

Maybe.

today's message is brought to you by the letter A.

I may not like this life so much... but it's mine. It's the only one I've got, so I'm going to make the best of it.

I may not like this body so much... but it's mine. It's the only one I get, so I'm going to take care of it.

I may not like being alone so much... but I deserve the best. So I'm going to wait till I find someone who treats me like a princess.

I may not like my job so much... but it's what keeps food in my mouth and gas in my car, I'm lucky to be employed when so many people aren't. So even though it's a minimum wage job, I'll work my ass off, pay my dues, and eventually I'll move onto something better.

I may not like living in this small town (see why) ....wait, no. There's really nothing I can say that's positive about this. Except I guess I'm glad I have a place to live and a sweet air mattress to sleep on. Still... this place sucks.

Self awareness is important, it's what gets us through our dailies. I remember being young and stupid (funny how those words so often go together) and feeling awkward and unattractive. Constantly on myself for being too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall. My legs were too long, my nose too big, my ears stuck out too much (which they really do, that's why I keep my hair long), my toes looked weird, my nails looked funny, my boobs were too big, they were too small, I have no ass, my teeth are crooked, they're yellow, are they too big? my eyes are two different colors, will anyone notice? ... on and on and on and on. Thing is, having self confidence is what makes you attractive. Your personality is what people notice. Yeah yeah, the first impression thing is true. You do tend to get more positive receptions with a cheerful persona and clean, put together outfit than you do with scowls and a trench coat. But if you're personality shines through when you open your mouth, that's what people remember, that's what they walk away with. And yeah okay, I will admit, I'm kinda vain. Especially about my hair. I actually had a dream last night that someone tried to cut all my hair off and were chasing me with a pair of scissors and I woke up hyperventilating. Fucking terrifying... I digress. But that comes after 10 years of looking like a fucking scarecrow. Seriously. Once I hit that pre-puberty (I think they call it "tweens" now?) stage all the way up through half of high school.... I was goofy looking. And not just a little goofy, A LOT goofy. For example in 7th grade I decided to cut all my hair off. It was shoulder length and I did that weird pixie/lesbian looking thing. And, if you know me at all, you know when I don't straighten my hair it gets curly and wavy, and POOFY. Yeah, that short... it just got poofy. Omg I looked like a boy with boobs. And braces. And weird, freakishly proportioned legs and no torso. Don't believe me? HAH. Proof.

(*Note the Beanie Baby collection. Man, how fucking cool was I?)

This would be my 14th birthday, after the hair had a little chance to grow out.

Then I went onto this senior year...

Which I have to say, looking back, I looked purty damn good.

Except I didn't think so.

fuck. I wish my face looked that young now.

You may think it does, but trust me, it doesn't.

And eventually the person you see before you that we all know and love.

I paid my dues as a goofy looking kid. (man, seriously. wtf) Self confidence** is sexy! Being comfortable in your own skin and owning it is such a turn on. Pair that with a rockin' personality and you are sex on wheels.  The first step is learning to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

**Self confidence not to be confused with cockiness. There is a line between being confident and being a conceited fuckwad. Learn the difference.

on a serious note.

It seems to me that my entries are all terribly one dimensional. I've noticed that I tend to repeat myself a lot...

I'm gonna work on that.

Today I'd like to get on a serious note and talk about the underbelly of the society we live in. I'm not talking about you potheads, you are the least of anyone's concern. Personally, I think if the government would just legalize and regulate it, they'd make way more money than they do with their bullshit "War on Drugs". Don't even get me started on that. It's an evil cycle of arrests and redistribution to make more money. It's a literal opiate for the masses. They keep you high and complacent, safe in your  illusion of control. They let you feel confident that they don't know what you're doing. Psh. They provide the drugs then wait for you to fuck up so they can bust you. Then they take your money through the court systems and wait for you to fuck up again so they can continue in their money hungry cycle. Make no mistake, they don't care if you get your shit together or not. They just want your fucking money. In fact, if you don't get your shit together, they will make more money off of you because they can keep you in the system. Sure, you might get thrown in jail for awhile, and you would think that would cost them money. Not really. You're a tax write off. They don't pay for that shit, you, the taxpayer, does.

Anyway.

Drug users are getting younger and younger as the access to them gets easier and easier. Things have gone from kids experimenting with pot in their parents basement to 14 year olds smoking foilies in their bathroom. 19 year olds driving to the ghetto to score heroin. 17 year olds staying up for three days blowing lines. Where do you draw the line? When did this transition start? What happened to being young? Used to be you'd sneak your boyfriend in through the bedroom window so you could make out. Now you're sneaking them in so you can get high and fuck. Helloooo teen pregnancy. As much as I love the concept of peace and free love and all that good stuff... I honestly think the hippie generation kind of fucked it up. Before you jump down my throat, just think about it. Since the revolution there have been so many more children born without both parents. Divorce rates have climbed to ridiculous levels. In fact, more people are divorced than are married anymore. Now go into that a little further. Before this "free love" concept, people (usually) waited till marriage to have sex. People stayed married. They were a generation that worked through the bullshit and (again, usually) grew to respect and love each other through the years because they WORKED AT IT. They didn't run away at the first sign of a problem. Did you know that if you live together before you're married you're more likely to get divorced than if you waited till after you said "I do"? Interesting statistic. We were meant to be raised by more than one person, whether that's a mother and father, two fathers, two mothers, or an entire village. (Look at the Native Americans... they were doing just fine before the white man came in and fucked everything up.) In my observations, kids who come from broken homes are the ones that have the most issues. Girls have daddy issues,  boys have mommy issues. There's always abandonment issues. Or even if both parents are there half the time one of them is an asshole or some kind of addict. And those holes have to be filled somehow... And why would you want to feel the pain when you can pop that Xanax and become numb to it all? The days of Leave it to Beaver have passed. And not in a slow progression of time. We blinked and they were gone.

Now aside from the familial issues, there's also this concept of instant gratification. Especially in America. We want it, we want it now. Cell phones, computers, fast food, Walmart, video games, microwaves... The list goes on and on. We push a button and there it is. We are not being taught how to entertain ourselves in healthy ways! Why do so many kids get diagnosed with ADD? Because they were babysat by the t.v. and started playing XBOX by age 5. When I was a kid, and keep in mind this was only 15-20 years ago, I read. I played pretend. I built forts in the back yard. I rode my bike till the street lights came on. And when I complained to my mom that I got bored? She made me do writing exercises. Made me practice math problems. We had arts and crafts time. There was an entire box in our closet full of art supplies from the time I was 3 or 4 up until my teenage years. I didn't have a cell phone till I was 16, and then it was just for emergencies while I was driving. Nowadays, if we don't get it instantly it's not good enough. People can't even take the time to get off their fucking cell phones to have a 10 second interaction with the cashier. (This is particularly irksome to me, as I've been a cashier my whole working life.) Facebook "connects" us with people but it also creates distance. We don't have to have real human interaction, we can "chat" instead.

All of this instant gratification alters our perception of reality. Drugs give us that instant gratification. Had a bad day? Get high. Had a good day? Get high. Someone broke up with you? Get high. Got in a fight with your parents? Get high. Got in a car wreck? Get high. All it takes is a few minutes and suddenly you're feeling better. When something bad happens, we aren't truly dealing with it. Nobody wants to deal with shit anymore. Well, guess what... that's a natural part of life. There's a reason there are 5 stages to grief. It's not supposed to be one step. If you don't deal with it, it sinks down into your soul and you carry it around for the rest of your life. Eventually that weight gets so heavy that it drags you down and you can't figure why you're sad all the time. Oh, you're sad? There's a pill for that.

I could go on with this, but I need to dye my hair and clean my house. I will resume this tirade at a later date.

USE YOUR THINK BOX!

STOP BEING COMPLACENT!

THIS SOCIETY IS FUCKED AND WE'RE JUST LETTING IT HAPPEN!

the less i seek my source for some definitive the closer i am to fine.

SMILE BITCHES.

i went to the doctor, i went to the mountains

i looked to the children, i drank from the fountains

there's more than one answer to these questions -pointing me in a crooked line

the less i seek my source for some definitive, closer i am to fine.

I've been going all OCD lately and re-reading all of my entries the last week or so. For some reason it always helps me when I'm feeling down or lame, or whatever. Seeing how happy or sad I've been in the past tends to give me perspective on my current circumstances. And man. I don't know what the fuck has been going on... but jeebus cornflakes Aly, shut the fuck up about it already. We all know you have terrible relationship juju. We all know the man is holding you down. Seriously.

seriously.

So here we go...

Reality Check Time!

Realistically, who doesn't get lonely? And honestly, I'm a terrible girlfriend anyway... I'm too independent.  And if I make the mistake of actually falling in love with you (which, doesn't actually happen that often; trust no one) then lord help you. That's like signing one of those contracts they have in the cartoons that can't be destroyed and always come back to bite you in the ass at the worst possible moment. You know what I'm talking about, they appear at some vital moment and hover in the air, three times their original size, with your signature glowing at the bottom. (kinda like this, but without the epic soundtrack.)

anyway.

I've began viewing the beginning of this summer as the veritable Bermuda triangle of relationships. And once you put things into perspective, they're never as bad as they seemed before.

So use the ole think box, don't let the bullshit get you down. The world will keep spinning even if you're too busy or sad or fucked up to notice. We live on borrowed time folks, might as well make every day worth living, right? If they really love you, you'll know it. carpe diem. bitches.

This makes me want to go on a philosophical/religious rant... but I think I will perhaps save that for a night when I haven't been drinking. And when I'm not so consumed with my sudden overwhelming desire to watch The Little Mermaid.

courtesy; indigo.girls

 

alydanceparty! juNe action.

...i am not a pretty girl, that is not what i do. i ain't no damsel in distress and i don't need to be rescued. so put me down punk, wouldn't you prefer a maiden fair? isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere? i am not an angry girl, but it seems like i've got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear. imagine you're a girl just trying to finally come clean, knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling. and i am sorry but i am not a maiden fair, and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere. and generally my generation wouldn't be caught working for the man. and generally i agree with them, trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan. and i have earned my disillusionment, i have been working all of my life. and i am a patriot, i have been fighting the good fight. and what if there were no damsels in distress? what if i knew that and i called your bluff? don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down whether or not you ever show up?  
i am not a pretty girl. 
don't really wanna be a pretty girl. 
i wanna be more than a pretty girl

*all these can be found on playlist "jams III" on my spotify.
...in case you were wondering.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes; Paul Simon

...people say she's crazy, she's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes. well, that's one way to lose these walking blues...

Closer to Fine; Indigo Girls

...the best thing you ever did for me was to help me take my life less seriously. it's only life, after all...

Mudfootball; Jack Johnson

...we used to laugh a lot, but only because we thought that everything good would remain...

Gimme Some Lovin'; G. Love & The Special Sauce

...i'm gonna wake you up with a kiss on the cheek, come a little closer open up to me. good mornin' babe, good mornin' babe. open your eyes just a little bit, good mornin' sunshine i can't resist. dreamin' 'bout you babe all through the night...

Betterman; John Butler Trio
...don't wanna be the thorn in your side good woman. 'cuz you deserve everything and i got nothin' so leave me...

Tripping Billies; Dave Matthews Band
...eat, drink, and be merry...

Little Green; Joni Mitchell
...little green, be a gypsy dancer...child with a child pretending, weary of lies you are sending home. so you sign all the papers in the family name, you're sad and you're sorry, but you're not ashamed. little green, have a happy ending...

 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover; Paul Simon
...the problem is all inside your head she said to me. the answer is easy if you take it logically. i'd like to help you in your struggle to be free, there must be 50 ways to leave your lover...

Taylor; Jack Johnson
...such a tough enchilada filled up with 'nada...

Move By Yourself; Donovon Frankenrieter
...don't stop doing what you believe, don't let them put you on the shelf. you gotta move by yourself tonight...

Baby's Got Sauce; G. Love & the Special Sauce
...my baby's got sauce, your baby ain't sweet like mine...

Women, Wine, & Song; Umphrey's McGee
...life's junk will suck the will right out ya. hold on lord i can't do without ya- seems like a lot of gray in the world- women, wine & song will make you all move along to a lovely beat...

Kidney in a Cooler; Keller Williams
...i need a big ass bus with a satellite dish, a double decker double wide is what i wish...

Me & Julio Down By the Schoolyard; Paul Simon
...and i'm on my way, don't know where i'm goin', but i'm on my way....

Comfortable In My Skin; Xavier Rudd   (I totally forgot I met this guy till about 10 minutes ago)
...can we all sing one song, no suffering at all...

C'Mon Now; John Butler Trio
...i bend my words and i break my spine 'cuz all i really think about is you. takes all i got just to walk your line, 'cuz all i really think about is you. just like a junkie lookin' for my fix, 'cuz all i really think about is you. get me so high man i'm feelin' sick, 'cuz all i really think about is you. c'mon now, hey c'mon now...

 Posters; Jack Johnson
...well i'm a superficial, systematic, music television addict, check out my outside there ain't nothing in here comes another one, just like the other one...

Dreamin'; G. Love & The Special Sauce

 ...dreams are like fish, you got to keep on reelin'...

32 Flavors; Ani Difranco
...i am a poster girl with no poster, i am 32 flavors and then some...god help you if you are an ugly girl, course too pretty is also your doom 'cuz everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. and god help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash, a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying back...

Blazebago; Keller Williams
...wherever i stop and pop the top, that's where it's at... you ask me where i come from, i live in the blazebago...


Revolution; John Butler Trio
...sometimes i wonder how we do sleep, serving the dodgy companies we keep. i'm kicking and scrounging for the very first place, dictionary definition of a rat race. pay off those losers we elect to lead, stealin' from the mouths they were meant to feed. enslaving the very clothes upon my back, i feel the sting, but i hear no crack...

If I Had Eyes; Jack Johnson
...sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all. just keep standing still while we fall in or out of love again, i doubt i'm gonna win you back when you've got eyes like that, it won't let me in always looking out...

Only Wanna Be With You; Jah Roots
...baby i try, oh i tried so many times not to mess up my ways and tell you i'm sorry...

Lovely Day; Donovon Frankenrieter
...it's gonna be a lovely day...

Steal My Kisses; Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals
...i always have to steal my kisses from you...

California; Joni Mitchell
...i met a redneck on a grecian isle, who did the goat dance very well. he gave me back my smile, but he kept my camera to sell. oh the rogue, the red red rogue. he cooked good omelettes and stews, and i might have stayed on with him there but my heart cried out for you, california...oh make me feel good rock n' roll band, i'm your biggest fan...

Cold Beverages; G. Love & The Special Sauce
...i like cold beverages... please stick it in the fridge...

Galileo; Indigo Girls
...it feels like some sort of inspiration, to live the next life off the hook. she'll say look what i have to overcome from my last life, i think i'll write a book. how long till my soul gets it right?...

Gatecrashers Suck; Keller Williams
...i was there at deer creek back in 1995, i think it was june, maybe july, but jerry was still alive. all the kids in the parking lot, they tore that fence down. and i blame them for the second show getting cancelled. i really wanted to go, i saved up all of my dough, i didn't go to any other shows, and i got my tickets MO'd and i never missed a deer creek show from '89-'95 i was happy just to be alive on my yearly indiana vacation. but that was cut short by a jealous, party bashin', buzz thrashin' gate crashin' stinky bastards. and if you're one of them, and you hear this song.... fuck youuu, you cock suckin' motherfuckers...

Don't Wanna See Your Face; John Butler Trio
...you think i love you, you think i need you... damn no, get out the door, don't wanna see your face no more...

As Is; Ani Difranco
...what bothers me is you don't know how you feel...and i've got no illusions about you, guess what i never did. when i said, when i said i'll take you i meant, i meant as is...


Upside Down; Jack Johnson
....who's to say what's impossible? well they forgot this world keeps spinnin' and with each new day, i can feel a change in every place. and as the surface breaks reflections fade, but in some ways they remain the same. and as my mind begins to spread its wings, there's no stopping curiosity, i wanna turn the whole thing upside down...

Love Handles; Keller Williams
...if you need to get your love on, maybe you can grab onto my love handles...

The Seed (2.0) ; The Roots    *this song is fucked up. but catchy as hell
...i don't ask, for much these days and i don't bitch, and whine, if i don't get my way...

You Can Call Me Al; Paul Simon
...if you'll be my body guard, i can be your lost long pal. i can call you betty, and betty when you call me, you can call me al...

Banana Pancakes; Jack Johnson
...baby, you hardly even notice when i try to show you this song is meant to keep you from doing what you're supposed to...

Wanting You; Jah Roots
...wanting things to stay the same, never could deal with a change 'cuz i love this life that we live, together trying to be positive...

Kodachrome; Paul Simon
...when i think back on all the crap i learned in high school, it's a wonder i can think at all...

A Case Of You; Joni Mitchell
...i could drink a case of you and still be on my feet...

Follow the Sun; Xavier Rudd
...which way is the wind blowing? what does your heart say?...

this is major tom to ground control.

I woke up today in a better mood than I have been in the last week or so. If you're reading this, and you read them on a regular basis, I'm sure you've noticed I've been down recently. It's gone on a lot longer than I care to admit, but whining about it doesn't change it. When you're depressed, you gotta get up and do something about it, not sit around waiting for things to change, waiting for someone to save you. You can only save yourself. YOU are the only person you can count on with 100% surety. See this as a cynical view point if you will, but it's just how the world works.  

Life isn't fair. The sooner you accept this, the happier you'll be. If life was fair, there would be no reasons to lie. People wouldn't be hurt. All relationships would end more like Grease, with everyone singing joyfully and the couple ending up together (in a flying car, no less), instead of like Titanic. Families would be like the Cleavers. Everyone would have a turn to be prom queen.

But obviously this is not so... you have to have balance. If nothing bad ever happens to you, how can you appreciate the good moments? If you've never been sad, how do you know you're happy? I make this point over and over again, but I'll never be able to say it enough. Just because you're depressed for a few days, a week, a month, doesn't mean you have to be that way always. Take the time you need to sort through your bullshit, then move the fuck on. No faerie godmother is going to come along and twinkle her faerie dust over your head and give your life a happy ending. all those faerie tales are full of shit Believe me, I wish this were true. But you're more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of frenzied zombies than for this to happen. (see how I got my zombie reference in there?)

Get some stubbornness in you! 

I know I've said how it's been my downfall in so many situations, but I feel that using it in a positive way is what gets me through shit. I'm too stubborn to give up my almost 9 months of being clean. I'm too stubborn to accept anything lower than a B in school. I'm too stubborn to let a rude customer to get to me (most of the time... stupid white trash monkey), so I keep busting my ass at work. I'm too stubborn to let go of the love I have because he told me to prove it...so I am. HAH. I'm too stubborn to let the state get me down. You want to run my life? You want to try and fuck me over? I won't make it easy on you, I'll keep kicking ass at life and shoving how awesome I am in your face. Don't fuck with a redheaded Hampton on a mission. Once my mind is truly made up, that's just how it is. Period.

Anyway. Take from this what you will. I more wanted to affirm to myself that I was feeling better.





courtesy;maroon.5

hey your face.

First of all... gotta quit drunk facebooking. I caught myself posting a Silverstein video the other night. Can't be having that.

Secondly, gotta quit drunk youtube surfing... Well, actually, nah that's not so bad. I keep finding cool acoustic covers of pop songs. And as we all know, I'm a sucker for anything acoustic. (Especially if it comes with nice boobies.)

But thirdly, and most importantly, I MUST stop drunk texting. There are two people that I drunk text fairly regularly (and I'm sure you know who you are, if you perchance happen to be reading this... which I actually highly doubt... but I digress.) And to both of these people I tend to over share. You know how they say that the truth tends to come out when you're drunk? (well, except for when you're talking to the cops) ....yeah. Needless to say they are probably very aware of how I feel about the situation, in no uncertain terms.

sigh.

See, I talk about this because I'm trying to keep myself from doing that particular thing at this very moment. My thought process on this is that if I hack away at the computer instead of at my phone maybe I'll feel as if I accomplished whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish with my Tourettes style texting.

So far, it isn't working so well. I currently have a text typed out and sitting in the draft box of my phone. And no, I'm not telling you what it says.

What baffles me about myself is... I have all these random moments where I feel so alone and I whine about how I'm tired of being alone and blah. blah. fucking blah. But there are people who love me, people who are interested in me, people who want to spend time with me. And what do I do? I want what I can't have. I want the guy that knows I love him and doesn't do anything about it. I want the guy that knows I've been in love with him the last year + and in the last 6 months have been telling him so at least once every couple of weeks since Christmas/New Year's. I want the asshole that finally tells me he loves me then needs space 2 days later.

...why?
I could not fucking tell you. I don't understand it myself.


to text, or not to text
that is the question.



listen. because i fucking told you to. kthx.

EFFING DREAMS.

 (i'm so screwed.)

I'm the kinda girl that checks her phone 20 times in an hour to see if you've texted, even when the little green light isn't flashing. The kinda girl who holds her breath every time the phone buzzes to see if it's your name that shows up on the screen. The girl that thinks about you when she wakes up in the morning and before she goes to bed at night.

I'm the kinda girl who steals your t-shirts so she can wear them to bed. The girl who would rather stay at home watching movies with you on a Saturday night than go to the bar. The one who stays up all night texting you when she has to be at work at 8 a.m. The one who dresses sexy for you, not for anyone else.

I'm the kinda girl who manages to relate every song on the radio to you. The girl that watches a love story in a movie and thinks "wow, they're just like us." And sometimes, "our love story is so much better." I'm the girl who only cries in front of you. The girl that has your face memorized, so when she closes her eyes she can trace the outlines of it. The girl that can tell when something is wrong just by the tone of your voice.

I'm the kinda girl that leaves you love notes on the fridge because she'll be at work when you get home. The kinda girl who cooks you dinner wearing nothing but your t-shirt. The girl that sleeps on your side of the bed, with your pillows, when you're out of town so she can feel closer to you. The girl that sends you sexy pictures while you're at work so she knows you're thinking about her.

 I'm the kinda girl that hurts when you hurt. Is happy when you're happy. The girl who would change it all, if she could.

i wouldn't trade one stupid decision for another five years of life.

 listen. to. this. fucking. song.

 re·gret 

v. re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, re·grets

v.tr.

1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.

2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.

v.intr.

To feel regret.

n.

1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.**

2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

3. regrets A courteous expression of regret, especially at having to decline an invitation.

When I was younger I always used to brag about how I'd live my life with no regrets. No regrets, no regrets. As if, no matter what I did, I was untouchable. At that point the worst thing I'd ever done was get too drunk and make a total ass out of myself. No regrets, no regrets. Because I saw myself as young forever, immortal, bulletproof. Bad things happened to other people, but not to me. If it was bad, and it happened to me, it was a great excuse to party harder and to extract other people's attention. [wah my life sucks. wah pay attention to me, I'm gonna cry. wah watch my eyeliner make streaks down my face.] But that was it. It was a minor blip on the radar.

No regrets, no regrets...

I look in the mirror now and I see myself as I really am... not how everyone else sees me. I reflect back to them this ...youthful facade that isn't anywhere near the truth. Strangers see me and they see a 17 year old, an 18 year old... Someone who has barely tasted life. Someone who still has the smell of carefree summers and bubblegum on them. Someone who still has the sand between their toes and boy band lyrics on their lips. Someone who has kissed two boys, and gone to second base with only one of them. Someone who still wears underwear her mother bought her that have the days of the week on them.

But that's not me.
The last time my mom bought me underwear I ended up with a black lace thong with a bow tie in the front that had no other practical purpose than to look sexy.

yeah, still haven't gotten to wear those.

oh, and stop telling me I'm still young, I've got time. I am aware that I'm still young, I'm not a complete fucking idiot. But I'm not that young....

fuck.


I'd like to say I stuck to the promise I made to myself. That I'd have no regrets. That I'd be 60 and be able to look back at it all and say, "yeah, I did some fucked up shit. Some of it really sucked... but I don't regret a minute of it. At least I learned something."

but I can't.

I've hurt too many people. I've thrown away too many good opportunities. I've hurt myself too much. I made an irreparable crack somewhere inside myself that will never heal quite right. I've lost some of the moments that should have meant the most to me... and there's no magic rewind button that can take me back to them. They exist only in my head, in the broken shards of my memory. A thousand I'm sorry's, every minute, of every day, for all of time still wouldn't fix it.

But hey, you know what... I'm okay with it. The decisions I've made make me who I am now... and I'm pretty much awesome. You can't go back, you can't change the past. It is what it is... life happens. So instead of sitting around moping about it, why not make the best of the stupid shit you've done? Use it to your advantage instead of wasting the energy on making it into a weakness.

I can't say I've lived my life with no regrets because fuck... I really regret some shit. I would have never touched the shit if I could have seen what it would do to my life. I would have never lied to you if I would have seen where it would lead. I would have never... thrown away everything just to... just to keep away reality. Because reality is where I am now... and while it really sucks sometimes... it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

oh, if the trip and the plan come apart in your hand
you look contorted on yourself your ridiculous prop
you forgot what you meant when you read what you said
and you always knew you were tired, but then
where are your friends tonight?

courtesy;lcd.soundsystem.




**Okay seriously, this video is fucking hilarious. I like the song but I can't watch the video with a straight face. Ohhhh scene days.

eMo.

pretty sure this song was written about me.

(or at least i used to think so.. circa 2003)

holyfuck I was an angsty teenager... did I really listen to this shit on a regular basis?! No wonder I hated life. In the past hour my ear holes have consumed an over abundance of;

Dashboard Confessional   ...SCREAMING INFIDELITIES...!

Finch ...staaaaaaaay wiiiiiiiiiiith meeeeee..

Taking Back Sunday ...the truth is, you could slit my throat and with my one last dying breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt... 'cuz i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions. if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar

Something Corporate ...i want to save you

Yellowcard ...if i could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever...

Story of the Year ...from up here the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire and i'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day...

Armor For Sleep ...i'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back i forgot to tell you this. i didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is i would still die for you.... 

(um. WHAT?! I used to love this song. This explains so much...) 

Boys Night Out ...yes, i know what i've done and i regret it every day. if i could make things right, you know i'd find a way. but when i look up at these white walls and the endless halls of the hospital i get lost in the emptiness that echoes through it all. doctor, doctor what am i here for? can't you see that i don't need this place? i don't need these walls, i'm no threat at all...

among others...

(Rufio, MxPx, NOFX, Brand New, Silverstein....)

I'm pretty sure I used to have all these guys on ONE cd... if not an entire cd case full...

cripes.

again...

This 

explains

so

much.

little bubble, where you going?

I think I'm finally coming off that two week crap shoot. Maybe. Don't want to jinx it or anything. I'll say I'm fine, then all of a sudden... FWAP. Ah, well. One day at a time, right?

I had a good time last night.... although Snow White & The Hunstman is TERRIBLE. So of course, I loved it... I have a thing for terrible movies. The dialogue sucked, the acting was half ass, and the ending was completely unsatisfactory... but the effects weren't too shabby. If they just hadn't talked and spent the entire movie trying to kill each other instead, it would have been much better. Like seriously, the battle speech that Snow White gives to rally her troops is one of the worst pieces of written work I have ever encountered. And that's saying a lot. I mean, I read the Twilight series. There's all kinds of plot holes and the story timeline is fucked. Keep that in mind if you're about to drop the scrill to go see it in the theaters. Better wait till it hits Redbox.

all these faerie tales are full of shit.


I've reached a point where I realize that counting on any one thing or any one person is foolish. Now don't get me wrong, everyone has people in their life that are there for them. Your heart breaks, you text this person. You have a bad day at work, you facebook that person. Your significant other is driving you crazy, you call someone else... I would estimate that most people have at least one person in their life that is there for them 98% of the time. But you never know, maybe when you think you need them most falls into that 2% category. At least I know that I can take care of myself. Believing that it's an all time thing is like watching a bubble pop. You see it balancing on the tip of your finger than all of a sudden POP! it's gone.

Life is still good though. It doesn't take much to make me happy... Comfortable shoes, a good book, fresh coffee and s'mores poptarts and I'm good to go. If only life could stay confined to the simplicity of those moments...

But the real world has a way of making its presence known, yeah?

I can't decide if I want the dreams to stop or not...

They're wonderful while they last,

but then I wake up...

Being in love is overrated.

courtesy;maroon.5

he was brutally handsome, and she terminally pretty.

guys want to fuck me,
they just don't want to date me.

I started looking up old songs from when I was in high school and the few years after... I thought it would make me feel all nostalgic and awesome... and y'know, like awww... aren't I glad I'm older and wiser now.

NEH

WRONG.

I just feel old.. How much have I moved on or up since 10 years ago when most of the songs came out? Sure, I've most definitely got more life experience. I insist on learning everything the hard way.

Life lesson: Learning things the hard way SUCKS. If someone gives you advice and they've been through it... you should probably listen. That whole "that will never happen to me" attitude is stupid. You keep doing the same idiotic, potentially dangerous, illegal thing, long enough, you will get caught. You will get hurt. This is not an IF scenario. It's just a matter of WHEN. Law of probabilities. It might take longer than you expect, but it will happen. So just save yourself the heartache and don't be so fucking stubborn.

I've been told by more people than I can count of the extremeness of my stubbornness... It was most definitely my downfall in most regards.

I would say a good 75% of the people I went to high school with have either; been married and/or divorced, have children, have finished their college and have started their careers. Me? What do I do? Oh, that's right. I work at Staples making minimum wage. And I live with my dad. Oh and lest we forget, the state of IL owns my ass for the next two years. I have no prospects of any kind of realistic relationship at all anywhere in the near future. I seem to have a tendency to scare away love interests or sabotage myself by running as fast as I can in the opposite direction...

Don't get me wrong, I love myself. I know I'm awesome, I don't need anyone else to justify me.

still...

sucks.
(this is where the teddy bear comes in...)

Everyone tells me their life stories; their hurts, concerns, worries, happy's and sad's... and that's totally okay with me. I'm a good listener, I like being there for the people I care about. I can tell you what's wrong with you, but I have terrible insight about myself. And when you ask me what's wrong with me instead of telling you I just make a really bad joke at a super awkward moment... I am the king of that.

I have wonderful, amazing people in my life. I love my friends, and I know they love me back. I'm constantly surprised at how many people truly care about me and the fact that I truly care about them... Sometimes I lose perspective and my bullshit keeps me from seeing them. But then the sun comes out and I see who is really there... and man. That is so fucking amazing.

Real friends are nice.
Get yourself some.

this evening's soundtrack: deftones; around the fur.

pourquoi?

but even the sun sets in paradise

Why hello Perspective, there you are...

I gotta quit doing this to myself. I mean seriously... what. the. fuck. I got karmically smacked  in the face the past few days. It was The-Universe-Is-Pissed-At-Aly time, I guess. Of course that shit doesn't happen when you initially feel bad about the fucked up shit you've done. Ohhh no. It waits till things are going great, till you're carrying around happiness bubbles and are smiling at strangers and flirting with old guys to make their day. Then it's like hey, oh, btw...!FWAP! (yeah, that's the sound the Universe makes when it smacks you. fwap. in case you weren't aware.)

When did my life become a bad country song??

I tried toughing through life by not taking my meds for a few days. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need them, that I'm a fully capable, rational adult that can control her emotions and not sink into a bottomless pit when a blip happens. you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

....that was a terrible experiment.

It took three days. Not one, not two, but THREE. fucking. days. That's it. I couldn't even make it a week. It's like the minute the crazy pills weren't in my system my brain said BWAHAHAHA this is the moment I've been waiting for! ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. (This would be my self esteem and mental clarity dropping. Like how my life has sound effects? I'm like a walking, talking Quentin Tarantino flik)

all these faerie tales are full of shit

Why do you make it so goddamn difficult to love you?