oh man, i drank too much kieraknightly last night.

it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time,
didn't i my dear?

Started sorting through the boxes I had in the garage of stuff from Joey's house... This is only a small percent of what I had there and it's depressing as all hell. Every thing I touch I get a mental flash of where it was in the house, memories I've got of walking by it or using it or wearing it.... I kind of just want to throw it all away and start over. These items are ruined for me because I can only think about him when I see them. Besides, it's just stuff. I can always get more stuff. I've never been a particularly materialistic person. The problem really just lies in... when the fuck am I going to get over this?? I've been carrying this around for what feels like forever. It's a physical kind of hurt, not just that "oh man this sucks, we broke up". It's like a "some motherfucker came in with a switchblade and carved out a piece of my chest" kind of hurt. And apparently, we've been broken up for months although I was unaware of it. I love how it turned into my fault when I was doing something that was necessary for my recovery. But I'M the one that walked away... AW-FUCKING-SOME. Why is it that every time I find something to care about I do something terrible to fuck it up? Then when it's gone I stand around like... "Uh-wha? Where'd it go?" ...DUH. There's no amount of therapy or medication in the world right now that would make this feeling go away. I suppose the positive thing here [if there is one] is that I don't want to go score drugs. It's the last thing on my mind. Crying this out is about the only way I'm going to ever feel better. And working really hard at everything I do and proving that I'm not that person anymore. Actions speak louder than words or so I was told over and over again.... dehyrdated from a double shot, get my nourishment from a punch in the gut. never really felt i had the best of luck, i got a big, big mouth that just won't shut up. I can't believe I'm sitting here crying over this. I don't do relationships for THIS reason. I hate this feeling. It's like this black hole that swallows up all the light. And even though it's not the end of the world and you have so many other positive things in your life it's like they don't even exist because this stupid intangible sensation, this stupid electrical impulse in your brain is telling you that this sucks. if there's one thing i can't take. it's the sound that a woman makes about 5 seconds after her heart begins to break. that's one thing i can't take. The brain is a phenomenal thing. The power of thought is unmatchable. So why is it that I can't just talk to my brain and say, "hey, stop fucking telling me to cry. stop reminding me how much this hurts. stop making me feel this way." I mean I realize that our thoughts control our emotions and we control our reactions to the emotions... but. Well actually, there is no but. That's just how it is. So... "HEY BRAIN, STFU k? plzthx."


I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION.

courtesy; mumford&sons/the.middle.brother/joan.jett