how can i live without my heartbeat?

what you wanna say?
wait till you get home
i'm sick of communicating man,
over the telephone.
tell me how you feel
for i am lonely too.
need you to know i'm just as
cold and numb as you.
i could fly away
or i could be no one
and you could be the sunshine fallin'
over the mountain.
or you could come to stay,
you could come right home.
don't see why i have to live this life
all alone.
oh, i know
there is a way
to make up for
old mistakes.
i know
what's happening
is for a reason.


Ugh. I've turned into a soggy, sentimental mess. One of those people that I disdain and make fun of. Well, maybe not make fun of. But roll my eyes at as I'm giving them a hug and patting their shoulder and saying "fuck 'em, they don't deserve you anyway" and lines of a similar nature. I mean, in my case I can't say that because unfortunately, [or fortunately, who knows] it isn't true. It's the other way around, actually. if you seek then you shall find. This is something I've put off dealing with for quite some time now so it's kind of like ooo SMACK! right in the face with a cold, wet blanket fist of fury. Like I'm sportin' a bloody lip and a black eye here. Living here, away from what's familiar and all the people I knew is so frightening. It's exciting in its own way. Getting out of Belleville was one of the best [and worst] things that could have happened to me. All I ever wanted to do was make things better. I never went anywhere... I've got an entire journal full of letters that I never sent.

fuck.
this sucks.

i used to get high for a livin'.

On a more uplifting note I got a 97% on my Bio test. Funny, I'm irked because I know I should've done better. I got all the bonus points, so that means I missed more on the test than I originally anticipated or it would've been over 100. Oh well, I guess compared to the class average I did pretty fucking good. Class average was a 68%, the median was only 79%. Good thing he doesn't grade on a curve or they'd hate me. But hey, I deserve that shit. I bust my ass studying to get those grades. My parents were quick to point out that "the doctor with the C average has the same degree as the doctor with the A average". Which is most definitely true, but I set myself the goal of straight A's and I'm sticking to it if it kills me.

woohoo dedication!

i ain't ever changin' my mind
crazy girl, don't you know that i love you?
i wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere.

yeah, they all say that.
then they leave.


Yeah, that's fucking right. I'm going to be an emotional SAP and wallow in this craptacular feeling here for a little while because I fucking deserve it. I've been a fucking CHAMP when it comes to everything life has thrown at me the last 5 months. Court, rehab, relationship bullshit, parental bullshit, school bullshit, work bullshit. FUCK. I can only take so much. welcome to my world. another lesson learned... and i'm drowning in the ashes. kicking, screaming. Funny that this one thing is the moment that just pushed me over the edge. Stupid, really. Kind of immature. I'm sure it isn't any fun to read my whiny ramblings about how I miss Joey and how fucking pissed I am that this is how it worked out.

I need to get back to writing stories.
Less whiny, and a far less embarrassing way to get my bullshit out.

....yeaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

i am so lame.

courtesy; john.butler.trio/eli.young.band/sick.puppies