joey.

soundtrack of a memory. 

through the air
all i see
is your face full of blame 
what's left to see? 

Dear You,

Would you please stop making your way into my dreams every night? I don't even know how it's possible at this point. I do everything I can to consciously keep you out of my mind, but those sneaky fucking memories keep hiding in the back. How fucking pathetic. It's so much fun to have my heart break over and over again each morning. As if my life wasn't hard enough. I've got myself convinced that I've moved on... yeah, bullshit. You can't recover from something like that in a few months. There are some mornings when I wake up and I expect to see our ceiling when I open my eyes. Sometimes I wish you'd never been to my house because it would be easier to pretend we never existed. But there are even memories of you here... "I love you. -J.Z."

Why does shit have to be so hard? I wish you could see how far I've come in the last few months. I look normal. I dyed my hair red. I got a giant tattoo. I celebrated my birthday. (No birthday sex for me. ohyay.)  I've got almost straight A's in school. I've had my job 5 months. I've hit 7 months clean. I have friends. Real ones that don't use me or help me make bad decisions. I'm content to sit at home, like you always wanted me to. I take care of myself. I shower regularly (lol). And I still sleep in your tshirts. (creepy, right?) I check my own oil and don't have to be told when to get it changed. I pay bills and balance my checkbook on Friday's, not having to rely on other people to take care of me.

There's just so much I wish I could change in regards to us... I mean know the decisions I've made make me who I am now, and I think you'd like this me even better than the old one. I'm proud of myself, and I wouldn't change who I am now. I just wish you could be proud of me too.

As always, I'm so very sorry for all the bullshit.
Love and miss you,

-Aly.

*Author's Note:

I am a sad, pathetic creature. 

Writing to my ex in my journal because I can't talk to him in real life. 

WTF.

 Even if I were to get the opportunity

 I don't think I'd know what to say or how to act. 

man.