joey.

soundtrack of a memory. 

through the air
all i see
is your face full of blame 
what's left to see? 

Dear You,

Would you please stop making your way into my dreams every night? I don't even know how it's possible at this point. I do everything I can to consciously keep you out of my mind, but those sneaky fucking memories keep hiding in the back. How fucking pathetic. It's so much fun to have my heart break over and over again each morning. As if my life wasn't hard enough. I've got myself convinced that I've moved on... yeah, bullshit. You can't recover from something like that in a few months. There are some mornings when I wake up and I expect to see our ceiling when I open my eyes. Sometimes I wish you'd never been to my house because it would be easier to pretend we never existed. But there are even memories of you here... "I love you. -J.Z."

Why does shit have to be so hard? I wish you could see how far I've come in the last few months. I look normal. I dyed my hair red. I got a giant tattoo. I celebrated my birthday. (No birthday sex for me. ohyay.)  I've got almost straight A's in school. I've had my job 5 months. I've hit 7 months clean. I have friends. Real ones that don't use me or help me make bad decisions. I'm content to sit at home, like you always wanted me to. I take care of myself. I shower regularly (lol). And I still sleep in your tshirts. (creepy, right?) I check my own oil and don't have to be told when to get it changed. I pay bills and balance my checkbook on Friday's, not having to rely on other people to take care of me.

There's just so much I wish I could change in regards to us... I mean know the decisions I've made make me who I am now, and I think you'd like this me even better than the old one. I'm proud of myself, and I wouldn't change who I am now. I just wish you could be proud of me too.

As always, I'm so very sorry for all the bullshit.
Love and miss you,

-Aly.

*Author's Note:

I am a sad, pathetic creature. 

Writing to my ex in my journal because I can't talk to him in real life. 

WTF.

 Even if I were to get the opportunity

 I don't think I'd know what to say or how to act. 

man.

out on the road today i saw a Dead head sticker on a cadillac. a little voice inside my head said don't look back you can never look back.

been walking all morning went walking all night
i can't see much difference between the dark and light
and i feel the wind and i taste the rain

never in my mind to cause so much pain.

comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see? 

gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,

only love can fill.

from day to day just letting it ride.
you get so far away from how it feels inside.

you can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
but the day may come when you can't feel at all.
the words come out like an angry stream.
you hear yourself say things you could never mean.

when you cool down you find your mind. 

                                            you got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.


Today has me feeling nostalgic... Summer is on its way, school is almost over... and it's time for the next chapter in that ginormous, soap opera of a tale entitled. "ALY'S FUCKING LIFE". My chapters seem to be fairly short lately... Hm...

The first week of May is going to be a bitch... A dirty, nasty, evil, whore of a week. (Probably a ginger too, knowing my luck.) It's impending approach has got my tum tied up in knots. However... once that week is over... Life will settle back into some semblance of normalcy. Whatever that is. I'm just ready for it to be over.

oh man, the situations I get myself into.
my life is an experiment in really bad decisions.

Is there truth to the lies? How long did I bullshit my way through life before I started believing the shit I was saying? How much of that has truly changed? As I've always said, which tends to piss a lot of people off, but it's true. I've had enough experience observing human nature and being a total fuckwad that I guarantee its validity. People don't change. Their situations change. I am still the same person I was 3 years ago, knee deep in self induced muck. But I've put myself in a better situation. Better people, better environment, better food... lol. But I'll still always carry that chunk of my life around with me. Can't change it. Can't fix it. Then again, I don't want to be fixed, I'm not broken. Just slightly out of balance... but hey, that just makes me more interesting. I've got more life experience than most people twice my age. Word of insight, the world is not the bubble gum flavored place a lot of you seem to think it is. There are terrible, soul stealing things out there. And you would not believe how easy it is to get trapped by your decisions. Even the best of people make mistakes. So think really hard about what you're doing. Trust your instincts. If your gut tells you it's a stupid idea, it probably is.

Ramble, ramble, ramble...

what if all the world around you isn't quite as it seems?


courtesy; don.henley/grateful.dead./NIN

alydanceparty! spring cleaning action.

As always, my acknowledgement of these tunes does not endorse their quality... just what I felt like listening to while cleaning today.

The entire Best of Bowie album (David Bowie)

-Longview; Green Day
...when masturbation's lost it's fun you're fuckin' no one...
-Dreamer; Elizaveta
...torn and tattered from the fall and waiting to rise up again...
-Skeleton Key; Margot & The Nuclear So and So's
...and i miss you less and less every day. it's true the whiskey's helped to wash you away. and it's clear to see, you're nothin' special you're a skeleton key...
-Paul Revere; The Beastie Boys
...the sheriff's after me for what i did to his daughter. i did it like this, i did it like that, i did it with a whiffle ball bat..
-Kiss Me Deadly; Lita Ford
...kiss me once, kiss me twice, c'mon pretty baby kiss me deadly....
-Move By Yourself; Donovan Frankenrieter
...don't stop doin' what you believe...
-In The Meantime; Spacehog
...and in the end we shall achieve in time, the thing we call divine. when all the stars will smile for me, when all is well and well is all for all, we love the all of you... 
-Odi Et Amo; Elizaveta
...love is another side of hate...
-Burnout; Green Day
  -Georgia; Ludacris (feat. Field Mob)
...we on the grind all the time...
-I'm Afraid of Americans; David Bowie
...god is an american...
-Wetter; Twista
 ...come and make it rain down on me...
-Goodbye Song; Elizaveta
...no need for long drawn out explaining how, and when, and why this love came to an end...it's a goodbye song, a little bitter, but it's sweet. you always wanted one, it comes a little late, but it's complete, it's from the heart. so please remember, i love you dearly, although we have to part...

-Vanilla Twilight; Owl City
...the silence isn't so bad till i look at my hands and feel sad 'cuz the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly. i'll find repose in new ways, though i haven't slept in two days 'cuz cold nostalgia chills me to the bone...
-Tattoo; Jordin Sparks
...you're still a part of everything i do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo...
-Leave the Pieces; The Wreckers
...and it's all right, yeah i'll be fine, don't worry about this just heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road. there's nothin' you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go...
-Changes; David Bowie
...turn and face the strange... 
-You; Chris Young
...no one gets me like you when you kiss me...
 -Orion; Elizaveta
...if you knew that i was dying, if you knew that i was waiting for my ride. still waiting, hoping for you tonight. i'm getting tired of trying, my destination's glittering up high. the constellation of orion is where i'm gonna fly. so if you ever miss me just look up, look up to the sky...


     

it's a strange place inside my head, aren't you glad you don't live there?

More fucked up dreams....

I had a dream that Joey was in the hospital... And he was being stubborn and wouldn't let me come see him even though he was about to die. (WTF?!) I remember seeing him hooked up to the i.v. and everything and he was in the corner of a room with the curtain pulled back and Adam and Wes were like, physically restraining me from going to see him and I'm pulling on them doing the whole dramatic NO YOU HAVE TO LET ME SEE HIM! I KNOW HE HATES ME BUT I CAN'T LET HIM THINK I HATE HIM!! type shit. Omg it was ridiculous. First of all, why would I dream that he was dying? He's a fairly healthy individual. He perhaps chain smokes too much... but there are worse things. Anyway. His mom and sister finally come along and yell at the boys for not letting me back there so I finally get back there and he's like half conscious and I'm sitting there crying and he finally wakes up and is initially pissed that I'm there... But then I give him that dramatic, heartfelt serious, "I'm so sorry" look and start crying and put my head down on the bed and start bawling "I'msosorry" over and over again. (think Steel Magnolias). Okay so then fast forward a month later. He survives... SURPRISE! IT'S A GODDAMN MIRACLE! so he calls me and asks me to meet him at Walmart (for...some...reason... maybe it's because Walmart was right up the street from our house...) So I get there... and he's fat! Like... HUGE. I didn't even recognize him. Actually, I vividly recall staring at him and looking around thinking someone was fucking with me. Apparently in his amazing recovery from near death he went on this eating binge and got fucking ginormous... which I really don't think is possible because I've seen him mouth some food... and he doesn't really get fatter, just broader. Unless of course he's been drinking a lot...

Okay so then there's phase two of the dream...

I'm riding around my grandma's old neighborhood on a scooter... yeah, a scooter. But it wasn't just any scooter. It was a motorized version of the Big Wheel I had when I was like 5....

yeah. that's pretty much it. MOTORIZED BIG WHEEL BIATCHES. NUUUH.

...man, my brain is weird.

how to have a good pity party in 10 easy steps.

aLy's pity party guide:

(see also: PMS/intense-grownup-type-stress.)

1. Compile an epic playlist of thoughtful, tear inspiring songs. If it's acoustic, you're probably good.
Suggestions: Elliott Smith, Damien Rice, Red House Painters, Bright Eyes (fuck you Conor Oberst), Sigur Ros, Murder By Death...

2. CHOCOLATE.


3. Change into comfy pajamas, preferably fresh out of the laundry. Once the pity party starts, there ain't no showering till it's over.

4. CHOCOLATE.

5. Grab a roll of toilet paper, keep it handy. I find myself caught off guard when the female hormones/pure hatred of existence/sad part in movie hits. It's better than blowing your nose in your sock, trust me.

6. CHOCOLATE.

7. Go through your movie collection, pick out 8 movies total. This seems like a lot, but the amount can be halved if your PMS cycle is short, or you only have one day off to revel in the sadness.

--First you need two just ridiculously sad movies that you can't really stand to watch on a normal day because they're such a buzzkill.
                        Examples: Seven Pounds, Stay (not the aliens one), My Sister's Keeper, Titanic, Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, Marley & Me, The Road, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Beaches, Tristan + Isolde, Cold Mountain

--Then another two that are sad and might make you tear up, but have happy endings. These mostly fall under the category of chick fliks, but not always.
                        Examples: Australia, The Lion King, Ever After, the last 3 Harry Potter movies. (Half Blood Prince, Deathly Hallows I & II), Eternal Sunshine (of the Spotless Memory), P.S. I Love You, I Am Legend, Time Traveler's Wife, What Dreams May Come

--The next two should be out there/indie/existential, thought provoking type movies. Something that will distract you from reality and potentially change your perspective. (If only slightly, if for only a short period of time.) Or something that's just off enough for you to be like... WTF? when the movie is over.
                        Examples: I <3 Huckabees, Eternal Sunshine (of the Spotless Memory)*, Stay*, Sleeping Beauty (not the cartoon, it's a strange British film), Fight Club, The Hudsucker Proxy, Annie Hall, Donnie Darko, The Outsiders, American Beauty, (500) Days of Summer

--And last but not least, you need the comedies to conclude your party. Something to carry you back into the "normal" feeling zone... whatever that may be for you.
                        Examples: Super Troopers, Our Idiot Brother, The Hangover, 21 Jump Street, Shaun of the Dead, any Monty Python, Dude, Where's My Car?, Zombieland, Princess Bride, Get Him to the Greek, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Pineapple Express....

Obviously, there's some overlap here. Use your own judgement. And obviously, I worked in a movie store for far too long. Anyway. Moving on.

8. Turn your phone off. No, seriously. Do it. Should probably shut the computer down too. Nothing is more embarrassing than sending that "OMG-I-MISS-YOU-SO-MUCH-AND-I-LOVE-YOU-AND-WHY-CAN'T-WE-BE-TOGETHER?" text to someone you broke up with 2 years ago. Or the "I hate my life" text to the bestie. And unless you're a real glutton for punishment and you're super committed to this bout of misery, I would advise against Facebook creeping. You'll inevitably end up on an ex-es page where he/she will have pictures of them looking all happy and lovey with their ugly, new, cow shaped girl/boyfriend. Then you'll decide to move onto your friends from grade/high school's pages. Still probably a bad idea. You will then compare your lives to theirs.. which, let's face it. Is always disappointing.

9. CHOCOLATE. (are you noticing a trend here? chocolate is key.)

10. And finally, the last step of a successful pity party/PMS is to just break down and let it out. It's okay, you're sitting alone on your couch in your comfy pjs, toilet paper at the ready. You've had a terrible week, you're stressed about money, you've been fighting with your boyfriend, you got fired, your grandpa died... Whatever it is, you deserve to have a moment to let that out. Or maybe, for us ladies, it feels like someone stuck an egg beater into your uterus and turned it to high... Whatever the reason. You might feel like shit now, but after you take the time to be sad, appreciate it for what it is, and cry it out, you'll feel a lot better. Holding onto it and trying to move on without actually allowing the emotion to be expressed is like forgetting to put eggs in the cake batter. You're skipping a step. If you forget the eggs, it's not cake. If you don't let it out now, you will eventually. Probably at a time when you're not prepared to deal with it.

je vous manque toujours.

soundtrack of a memory. 

weirdass dream!

I had the most bizarre dream in recent history. No using dreams, thank god. Haven't had one since I outed myself in group on Tuesday. Okay, so it starts out with me living in this huge two story, tan sided house in suburbia... and I'm in high school. Actually, now that I recall, I don't even look like me. I've got super dark hair and no glasses and am actually pretty fuckin' sexy. For a teenager, that is. Anyway. My parents in this dream were not the ones I have in real life. My mom was some cookie cutter June Cleaver type lady. And my dad was the dad from Home Alone. (this guy.) And boy, was he an asshole. This dream kind of reminded me of a Disney movie where the kids are trying to foil the plot of the evil adult that's trying to take over the world. 'Cuz actually, that's what I was doing lol. Oh, and I had a little brother who was a fucking genius. (again, not my real little brother, although that does not imply that I don't think he's a genius, 'cuz I'm sure he is) So we go to this super expensive, high class school that only rich/smart people can attend. My family has ridiculously high expectations of my brother, he's a child prodigy or some shit and is designing some kind of new country-ending weapon that doesn't involve killing people. (HOW FREAKIN' COOL!?) And in this story, my 'dad' is very highly connected and has friends in high places. In fact, he's trying to throw the global presidential election (think Nixon in Futurama) so that his guy wins and he will essentially have world domination through his puppet president. Well, while I'm in school I figure out what's going on through reading newspaper articles and decide I'm not letting it go down that way. So I team up with my brother and this group of SUUUPERRR rich kids that want to help too. First, I decide that I should try and reason with him so I go home and call dad out. He starts laughing and admits that yes, that is what he is doing and there's nothing I can do about it. Besides, he says, there are perks in being the daughter of the most powerful man on the planet. We get into one of those awesome, teenage-y type arguments where I tell him how much I hate him and how he's a terrible father and I can't take living under his roof anymore if that's how it's going to be. He's laying in bed watching t.v. and calls out to my brother and asks him if he thinks he's a terrible parent. I pay for that expensive damn school you go to, don't I? he says. Even though he doesn't agree, little brother says he does, so he can continue his research. Well I am not having it, so I grab as much as I can and hop on my bicycle (apparently they wouldn't let me take my car) and go riding off into the dark. Then of course, it started to rain. I wasn't sure where to go, so I head to Rich Boy's house and pound on his door at like midnight, soaked to the skin. (Think The Notebook) He doesn't answer the door, but his butler does. (Told you he was rich) I stand there and argue with him for a little bit till finally Rich Kid comes down the stairs in his sweet Hugh Hefner robe and tells Giles (bahahaha) to let me in. He gets me dry clothes and we sit down and try and figure out what to do next.

What to do next involves going to find dad's secret hideout. Which turns out to be in a mountain somewhere, guarded by this ginormous poisonous spider. I remember hearing someone mention it was a mutant spider crossed with a diamond back rattler's venom... so. yeah. super bad news bears. Welp, little brother shows up and decides to make a stand and starts climbing up this mountain with us when suddenly the spider goes after him and drops this like stinger thing on his web silk stuff and almost stabbed Little Brother but of course, that doesn't happen 'cuz Little Brother is too quick for that shit. Although he does get stuck on a ledge at the top of the mountain and we can't figure out how to get him down. When suddenly this voice comes out of nowhere and tells him to grab this weird floating rock thing and when he does he's transported onto the spaceship. Dad's there and starts screaming at him that he should've listened, he should've left well enough alone. Then he transports me and Rich Boy up there too. Then he makes that stereotypical, evil man chair spin where he presents himself, complete with Floating Head Guy next to him. APPARENTLY, he's been taking orders from that guy all along and that's why he wants to have world domination. Floating Head Guy commends me for figuring out their plan but says unfortunately, he has to kill me now. That's when Little Brother goes into action and saves the day. Funnily enough, he just goes up and drop kicks the fucker and his head bounces around the inside of the spaceship and eventually kind of explodes. Dad, of course, begs our forgiveness and I laugh all evil and push him out of the escape hatch. ...oops!

And of course the conclusion of this story, I end up with Rich Kid and Little Brother goes on to win a Nobel Peace Prize.

THE END.

wtf right? =|

alydanceparty 2.0

alydanceparty!

-Comfortable; Lil Wayne

...all i ask is you don't take our love for granted, it's granted. my love for you is real, if you don't love me, somebody else will...

-Slip Slidin' Away; Paul Simon

...these are the very words she uses to describe her life; she said a good day ain't got no rain. she said a bad day is when i lie in bed and think of things that might have been...

-Johnny's Gone; John Butler Trio

...he's swishing flies with a big sledgehammer. yeah, you know he's runnin' the show. he thinks he is the big boss man, but he straight up outta control...

-We Are Young; Fun

...tonight, we are young. so i set the world on fire, we can grow brighter than the sun...

-Don't Gotta Work It Out; Fitz & The Tantrums

...i don't know what i been told, the world outside is oh so cold. late at night when you're alone, you'll think about me now that i'm gone... 

-Pool Shark; Sublime

...tyin' on the dinosaur tonight, it used to be so cool. now i've got the needle and i can shake, but i can't breathe, i take it away but i want more and more. one day i'm gonna lose the war...

-Young, Wild, & Free; Wiz Khalifa feat. Snoop

...we're just havin' fun we don't care who sees. so what we go out? that's how it's supposed to be, livin' young, and wild, and free...

-Burn One Down; Ben Harper

...your choice is who you choose to be, and if you're causing no harm then you're all right with me...

-Between Love & Hate; The Strokes

...i never needed anybody...

-Supermassive Blackhole; Muse (fuck you Twilight for semi-ruining this song for me)

...you caught me under false pretenses, how long before you let me go?...

-Beautiful Girls; Deer Tick (Sean Kingston cover)

...you're way too beautiful girl, that's why it'll never work...

-Hold On Loosely; 38 Special

...hold on loosely, but don't let go. if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control...

-Kodachrome; Paul Simon

...when i think back on all the crap i learned in high school, it's a wonder i can think at all...

-Mr. Jones; Counting Crows

...believe in me 'cuz i don't believe in anything. and i wanna be someone to believe...

-Redemption Song; Bob Marley

...won't you help to sing these songs of freedom?...

-Pussy, Money, Weed; Lil Wayne

...she's fly, flyer than you, flyer than me. i love her, she loves me too, i love her three times...

-I Feel Home; O.A.R.

...there are few things pure in this world anymore and home is one of the few...

-C'mon Now; John Butler Trio
...i bend my words and i break my spine 'cause all i really think about is you...

-As Is; Ani Difranco

...and i've got no illusions about you. and guess what, i never did...

-Ever (Foreign Flag); Team Sleep

...you make that dance look so new and i'm in awe, a face like you've never seen...

-Bedrock; Drake

...i like the way you're walkin' if you're walkin' my way...

-Absolutely (Story of a Girl); Nine Days

...this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world...

-Try Honesty; Billy Talent

...forgive me father, why should you bother? try honesty, try honesty...

-Crazy Game of Poker; O.A.R

...i'm lucky it wasn't a county cop 'cuz i'm just runnin' out of time...

-Don't Wanna See Your Face; John Butler Trio

...you think i love you, you think i need, damn no, get out the door, don't wanna see your face no more...
-Faith; George Michael

...well i guess it would be nice if i could touch your body, i know not everybody has got a body like you. but i gotta think twice before i give my heart away, 'cuz i know all the games you play, 'cuz i play them too...

-How To Love; Lil Wayne

...cuz you can't have a man look at you for 5 seconds without you feelin' insecure... 

-I'm All Right; Kenny Loggins

...i'm all right, nobody worry about me...can't you just let it be?... 

-Fast Car; Tracy Chapman

...you got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away? we gotta make a decision, we live tonight or live and die this way... 

-Ballroom Blitz; Sweet

...my dreams are getting so strange, i'd like to tell you everything i see... 

-21 Questions; 50 Cent 

...i love you girl like a fat kid love cake...

-A Mind With a Heart of Its Own; Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers 

...she'd never look different, but something would change...

-Look Like You; John Butler Trio

...'cuz i'd do anything in this world to look like you...
-Women, Wine, & Song; Umphrey's McGee

...life's junk will suck the will right out you hold on lord i can't do without you...

Go clean your room, ya bum! ;)

Hope you're day is going fantabulously.

 

    

        

fake it enough.

Haven't made an alydanceparty! mix in awhile. Haven't really been focused enough to even have one for myself... which I believe is starting to get to me. The dreams have been coming on more frequently now, and more intensely. I normally check myself in them when put into compromising situations... lately, I've just been going with it. And that scares me. It sucks because the cravings are so bad right now, that, given the opportunity, I'd probably throw away the last 6 months.

not.
cool.
man.

Funny, you reach a certain point and you start to think "man I've got this shit on lock!" but you don't, not really. When you least expect it that little devil that chills out on your shoulder (he sits on my left one, I don't know about you guys) pipes up and puts all sorts of terrible ideas in your head. As much as I love the sunshine and the sundress weather... I'm beginning to hate it. It's bringing up memories I'd rather not have... ugh. So. Double up on the meds. Find other things to occupy my time, write about it, talk about it. Hold myself accountable to as many people as possible... Look for the silver lining in all of this; all the bullshit just makes me stronger.

oh. and you.
I need to get this rant out real quick, it'll make me feel better since I can't actually say it to you, it just sinks me to your level. But hey, that's what this blog thing is for, right? A siphon for my excess brain juice.


Fucking bitch. Grow the fuck up. Learn to be a mature adult and don't make me school you in it. You're a parent, you should be setting a positive example for your child. She isn't a fucking accessory, leverage to try and control people who aren't doing what you want them to do. You need to move on. Stop putting her in the middle of your drama. I mean, seriously? What does it say about you that you can't control your mouth and not talk shit about her father to her. What is that going to do to her in the future? Did you ever stop to consider that? No. You didn't. Because you're an ignorant, trashy, fat, not-nice-person. Do you even know how to plan for the future? I mean hell, a couple months ago you got knocked up by some guy and have the sheer fucking audacity to go batshit crazy and cause ridiculous drama because we spend a few hours, one day a week, with each other. Don't even try and go there with me. Just don't fucking do it. You will fucking lose. This is not a guess, but a guaran-fucking-tee.

WOW I feel so much better now. I mean I don't really lose my temper anymore, it takes a lot to get a rise out of me. But this bitch had me so irate I was shaking with anger. I don't even really remember the last time I was that pissed.

ANYWAYYYYYY.

alydanceparty! to be found in its own entry, this turned out to be longer than I expected lolz.




ps- WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME FITTED SHEET?? YOU FIT BEFORE, WHY WILL YOU NOT FIT NOW?!?!?!

Aly: 0
Air Mattress: 1.


courtesy;jhonen.vasquez.

flashback.

“I say ‘should be’; because it is not everyone, nor perhaps anyone, who is so careful of his language as to use no word till he views in his mind the precise determined idea which he resolved to make it the sign of. The want of this is the cause of no small obscurity and confusion in men’s thoughts and discourses.”

I know there are not words enough in any language to answer all the variety of ideas that enter into men’s discourses and reasonings.” (2155)

someday life will be sweet like a rhapsody...
when i paint my masterpiece.

Today while I was driving I had one of those memories that creep out of the back of your mind and present themselves with a sudden 'ta-da!' of clarity that you wonder how it was that this particular memory had ever escaped your conscious thought. I'm 14 again. I have braces and scrawny, awkward limbs that I never can seem to control. I spend every day of my life cleaning my mom's house and watching my almost 2 year old brother, feeding him, cleaning his room, cooking for him, doing his laundry, entertaining him... It's summertime. He's colicky and won't go down for his nap. The bottle won't work. The binky won't work. He takes it out of his mouth and throws it at me every time I put it near him. With an odd disconnected feeling, I recall wondering why he always let me give it to him before yanking it out of his mouth to throw at me. Why waste the energy of accepting it? Then again, I never read anywhere that toddlers were generally considered to be logical persons. His tummy hurts and he fitfully rubs his chubby hands against his cheeks in exhaustion. They're red and swollen, his eyes squidgy lines drawn into his howling expression. Putting in a cd of lullabies I scoop him up, rest his sweaty cheek on my shoulder, and dance him to sleep...

I'm 16. He's three and into everything. It's almost Halloween. The fall crisp has overtaken everything and the grass crackles underneath my feet every time I step outside. The days are long and golden, the sunlight warming everything it touches while the shadows hold the chill. Leaves cover the backyard like a vintage carpet of oranges and yellows. The last of my pink roses have withered, all that remains are sad reminders of their final bloom. He has just come in from running around in the yard and his face is rosy and delighted. He giggles and toddles his way to me at the computer desk. I'm listening to some bubble gum love song and eating out of a bag of carrots. Without asking he pulls himself up onto my lap and leans back against me, wrapping his baby hands around my arms as my fingers fly over the keys. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. He tries to help me type and pushes buttons at random, sending instant messages that resemble Russian poetry. ASBK

Jkd998888e4lkl.!
wekr

,

A happy song comes on. Something loud and catchy. Suddenly, I jump out of the chair and hurl him into the air, brushing the tips of his auburn curls against the dust on the ceiling fan. He lets out a belly laugh that fills the room. I grab his hand and play waltz him through the kitchen, down the hallway in and out of the bedrooms, past the bathroom door and the full length mirror. We smile at ourselves and the pretty picture we make as we breathlessly swoop past. Around and around the living room, faster and faster. Around the ottoman. Over the armchair. Across the couch. Back through the kitchen and once more down the hall...

The song is over. It's time to go to sleep. I lock the house and carry him to my bedroom. I'm afraid a little, of the darkness outside and being in charge of the sleeping household. I run back to the kitchen and grab a steak knife out of the silverware drawer. Knowing even as I grabbed it that anyone who really wanted in the house would be strong enough to fight off my puny tool. Still, I grab it anyway. It makes me feel better. Funny, it's a habit I've never gotten out of. It's almost midnight, I have school in the morning, and I have to take him to daycare before class. I lay out his clothes for the next day, put my half finished math homework in my back pack, and hope that I'll have enough time to finish it during history. He's already half asleep, curled up in a warm little bundle in the middle of my bed. I turn the radio on low, turn the lights off, and climb into bed.

I am happy.


...

I've created a fantasy world inside my head that has slowly become a reality. But the more I find it, the less I seem to want it. What sense does that make?????

regression.

Some days are harder than others...

I put the optimism and the cheerfulness out there. I smile at people as I walk by them. I say please and thank you. I hold open doors. I wait patiently in line, and I don't scream at the clerk if they make a mistake. I respect people's boundaries, I play by the rules. I study hard, I work hard, and I love the people who are close to me. I'm there when you need me to be, I listen and don't judge. I offer input when you need it, I let you rant when you don't. I compliment at least 3 people a day. And I mean it. I control my temper and bite my tongue. I take the time to sit and think of things that will make others day start out right. When I smile, it's real. When I laugh, it is too. I hug people like I never want to let them go.

So why should I feel like this....?

Maybe it's the weather.