yeah, I'm not such a sweet thing

I want to take the pre-conceived

out from underneath your feet

we could shake it off

instead we'll plant some seeds

we'll watch them as they grow,

and with each new beat

from your heart the roots grow deeper

the branches will they reach for what?

nobody really knows

but underneath it all

there's this heart all alone

what about when it's gone?
and it really won't be so long
sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singing from at all

there's a world we've never seen
there's still hope between the dreams
the weight of it all
could blow away with a breeze

today's playlist

I.... don't even know what to write. Today was such an expulsion of emotions and I trauma dumped on my friend and I feel bad about it because I don't want her to have to carry that weight too. Sooo I decided to pull this up. I missed a couple days anyway and need to write. When I write I feel better, even if I don't write anything worth reading. 

I'm in song lyric communication mode today. I'm trying to be intentional with my song selection as a result.

3:22am: I fell asleep shortly after writing this. Upon awaking I felt like the slate had been wiped clean and my mood had reset back to baseline. It's always nice to get the emotions under control, however I sometimes question my baseline existence because I've also taught myself to suppress a lot of things so like... yeah it's baseline I feel 'normal' but is my 'normal' my best? I want to live my best life. I'm tired of settling. I don't have time to keep settling. 

I just… idk. I don’t like the life I had anymore, it’s like I woke up. And I think, why the hell am I putting in all this work every day to get up and heal if all I’m healing for is to go to a job I hate and live as a person who owns only beiges and greys. There’s no point in getting better if it means I have to go back to a life I don’t wanna lead anymore yknow? So I want to make my life be one that I want to live instead of settling.

I know I’m supposed to be here for a reason the universe has been telling me this for years, but I can’t figure out what the fuck it is. I thought ABA was it so I jumped in and gave it my everything and it burnt me out and stole my identity, then I almost died driving home from that job… so idk it seems to me that’s not what IT is either...  Maybe it’s my book. If I keep saying it enough it'll happen, that's how that works right?

I'm going to write a book. I'm going to publish a book.

 I'm going to write a book. I'm going to publish a book.

Funny, now that I've got the idea in my head the brainstorming doesn't stop. How I want to format the book, other things I'll want to write beyond my memoirs... Short stories, kids books, young adults... We all know what happens when I set my cap on something... yep, that's right. I hyper focus on it for 5 minutes then move on to the next thing because finishing things has never been my strong suit.

But this is something I've wanted to do since as long as I can remember. And I know that there will only be a few things in this life I ever truly finish, and I want this to be one of them. Hah. I'm making this huge deal out of a book that I haven't even started that even once it's published the only people who will buy it will be my family. I don't want Harry Potter fame, but it would be nice to know that my stories made an impact on someone. Weird to whine about it in a blog I plan to incorporate into the book. Weirdo.

NOTE: I know it's weird I put a Jack Johnson song under a picture of the band Deer Tick, but the path my neurospicy brain took to put that thought together made it make sense in my brain so tough tittywampus.

courtesy; joan.jett/jack.johnson