behind each perfect word will be a little bit of me.

     

and have you ever really seen me? 

the way that i want for you to see me now

elbows & knees; montana***

 i'll fuck you if you want.
cause i want it
just as bad as you do.
but i also want to hear the rustle of the sheets
when you turn over in the middle of the night.
i want to feel your hot breath on my neck.
i want the stubble on your chin to graze my cheek
as you kiss me gently on the forehead.
and when i whisper "goodnight," you don't have to reply.
just nudge me with your knee
or poke me with your elbow.

          Been a bit since I hacked away at the sweetness that is my blog (well, except for the whole 1 year thing)... y'know, the receptacle of my excess brain goo...Which is kind of strange, considering I've had a lot going on and haven't slept worth shit in months.  But, as weird as it sounds, I'm totally okay with it. I've gotten to the point where I mostly hate sleeping because I hate dreaming. And no, they aren't the whiny "omg-I-miss-him" dreams I used to constantly bitch about. Fuck. Re-reading my blogs that reoccurring trend was real fucking annoying. It wasn't even really like that, I was just feeling sorry for myself when I decided to write those.

 Bah. Anyway, whatevs. I digress.

          It's not just the using dreams, which don't happen very often anymore. But just... dark shit. And it's so vivid it scares me. Some of it doesn't even make sense. I mean there's a bunch that I am completely aware of where it's coming from... and yeah... I just... would rather not go there. And I've gotten to the point now that when I do sleep for more than a couple hours I feel funny. Although I noticed the dark circles under my eyes today, and cripes. That's gross. I'm going to have to figure out some way to fix that.
          Work, school, work, school, lather, rinse, repeat... The summer flew by me, the end of it was spent fighting with my dad and game-facing away his total dick-like shenanigans. Why do people do that to each other? Attack the ones they claim to love the most? Go for the jugular and all that? Not that I'm not guilty of it because I can be a total asshole when I'm pissed. I just don't understand the thought process that goes behind it. What does it accomplish exactly? If you hurt someone else, you're hurting yourself too. And throwing out all that negative juju just throws it back on yourself too, karmically speaking. But hey, what do I know.
          Man, when my fingers started typing this I had all kinds of excess thoughts to get out... now I feel like I'm wasting my time. Actually lately, I feel like that's all I've been doing. I've been kind of floating on autopilot the last month or so. I sense something big coming... it's time for change. Fall is coming and things are happening all around. We've got the election, we've got people rearranging, situations changing... y'know, all the weird shit. Which is fucking awesome. This is my favorite time of year, and I'm so ready for the next chapter in "ALY'S FUCKING LIFE". The move was almost a new one, but more kind of like a slight continuation of the one before. It's taken me awhile to get used to living here. On a side note, I eat so regularly now that my ass has attained it's high school awesomeness, if not surpassed it. I suppose I'm fortunate that I have a fucking awesome metabolism and any weight gain goes straight to my tits and ass... so I suppose there's at least one positive note.

 Oh. 

          And Halloween's coming up MOTHERFUCKINGYAY. I didn't get to do anything last year, I was on lock down. Actually, no now that I think about it I know what I did last year... yeah, not doing that either. The plan is to make it to some shows out in the city, but we'll see if that actually happens. I've stopped making plans because they have a tendency to fall apart. The whole 'one day at a time' philosophy works better for me hah.
          I should probably try and sleep instead of tap tap tapping away on this stupid keyboard, but I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be writing about and it's not presenting itself..

yeah, still hasn't happened. so here's a blurb of the zombie story I'm writing for my Greek myth class. Maybe it will come to me while I'm watching Heroes instead of sleeping and I can sneak back over the computer and get it out...

          Alexander grumbled a list of profanity at his cell phone as the alarm went off. Complete with a vibrating alert, it was happily buzzing along the edge of the nightstand. ‘Cuz baby I’m howlin’ for you…’ was the song he had set for the alarm. The Black Keys tune had become associated with his morning routine and, as much as he hated mornings, he’d discovered he woke up grouchy if he didn’t hear it.

            He reached out of the blankets and grabbed the annoying vibrating box, planning on hitting the snooze button. As his eyes tried to focus he stared at the phone and noticed the green alert light flashing in the corner, along with a smiling box at the top of the screen.
            “Wha’ the fuh’?” he mumbled, opening the text message.

           

Hey baby, had to get to work.
C U 2nite for dinner??

xo~Des~xo

            He had been completely unaware she was even gone. Instinctively he rolled to the side, half expecting to feel lingering warmth on her side of the bed. No such luck.  The lack of snuggling gratification propelled Alexander out of the covers and into the kitchen to make coffee. He zombie shuffled his way to the counter, clicking on the news as he made his way past the T.V.

            “There have been reports of yet another attack in New York City,” the reporter was saying. Alexander barely registered it, he wasn’t fully awake till after a substantial caffeine intake. He flipped the switch on the Mr. Coffee and the orange light illuminated. Satisfied that his morning was off to a fairly decent start, he walked back across the living room and towards the shower.

            “And now to our reporter in the field. Ashlyn? Are you there?”

            “Yes Jack, I’m here. It seems that at 8:05 this morning Principal Allen Perkins was attacked by a student outside of Ash Tree middle school. Witnesses say the student appeared intoxicated, stumbling across the parking lot and bumping into cars. Perkins attempted to restrain the student, Ace Cross, a 6^th grader. As he grabbed Cross by the arm the student turned and savagely bit into his arm. Parents standing nearby pulled the student off the principal and he staggered off, but not before biting the hand of one of the two parents. Perkins was rushed to the hospital after suffering massive bleeding. The parent, name unknown, was treated in the nurse’s office and sent home later that morning. As of now, Perkins is in stable condition, but we know nothing of what became of the student."

           The report followed Alexander into the shower, slowly filtering through the early morning haze. 

            "Stupid kids and their bath salts," he mumbled to himself as he climbed out. He screeched as his feet hit the cold tile and he slid forward into the sink. His shin hit the toilet, throwing his balance off and he fell back into the cabinet. His other foot slid backwards, bashing his heel painfully into the paneling under the sink. He flailed his arms, trying to correct himself and his head flew into the mirror, bouncing off the glass and cracking it. He slid to the floor, and leaned against the cabinet. He sat there, cradling his head in his hands for a few moments, trying to figure out what had just happened. 

           Around the time he had finally decided to get up and assess the damage he heard a knock at the door. Using the sink for leverage, he maneuvered his way off the floor and wrapped himself up in a towel. He hobbled across the living room and tore the door open.

          "What?!" he barked at the person standing there.

          "Woah bro, what happened to you?" his best friend Daemon asked as he stood in the doorway. Alexander looked down as two drops of his blood hit the floor. 

          "Uh..." he murmured. Daemon forced his way into the apartment, grabbing Alexander by the arm. 

           "C'mon dude, we need to get you cleaned up and take you to the hospital."

***I found this a couple weeks ago during one of my many late night stumblings... and it sounds like something I'd write. And I wish I had written it. So therefore, it is now in my blog.