i tried breathing underwater to drown out the doubt.

am i an imposter or

just a good liar for no good reason?

think we got a problem now

symptom of a bad fallout, glitter's fading

i can't believe i became the disease

and the snakes that sing are learning to scream in my dreams

that they dragged through the dirt, now painted in hurt

my lungs are filling with the sea

i tried breathing underwater to drown out the doubt

i cracked under the pressure and nearly bled out

you said you'd always save me, so where are you now?

feels like i'm failing, i'm dancing while drowning alone

feeling self-conscious now

overthinking but out loud, screams in silence

always overcompensate

in this world, i can't relate, need some guidance

i open my mouth, but the words don't come out

and the deepest blue sinks in me so low

can't control my self-doubt that i hold, its touch is so cold

these waves are crashing down on me

i tried breathing underwater to drown out the doubt

i cracked under the pressure and nearly bled out (nearly bled out)

you said you'd always save me, so where are you now?

feels like i'm failing, i'm dancing while drowning alone

Sometimes my fear of disappointing or hurting others is the only thing that keeps me here. The thin threads that tie my feet to the earth. I used to stay for my grandma, but now she's gone.

But there are still people in my life who would suffer if I left. So I won't.

Doesn't mean that the ties don't sometimes feel like they're slipping...

I'm fine really, it's okay. I just.... have to wait it out. It'll pass and I'll be fine.

I made a cool journal playlist today. Funny, making playlist journals is one of the easiest ways for me to communicate how I'm feeling. Now some of them are silly and only have a few songs on them, I didn't put much effort into it. But for the ones I hyperfocused on, and spent all day perfecting, are the ones that convey my internal.-ness better than my words can most times. I share them sometimes, to give someone a chance to listen to how I really feel, but I doubt anyone takes the opportunity. I don't know that I would if someone else posted it. Maybe. Depends on the day and my mood I suppose, as so many things do.

I smiled when I realized that it's like I'm making mix tapes for... someone. I don't know who they're for. Future me I suppose. I like looking back at all the playlists, starting as far back as 2015. Even my paper journals had songs of the day, or doodles of lyrics everywhere. I started keeping a paper journal again, so I can write those things down. It's comforting to have it; I get inspiration from all my random scribbles. I even drew a couple things... which I'm terrible at drawing so I don't like to do. I typically get the cringe memory embarrassment when I look back and see how terrible they are. Which, when you think about it is kinda silly. I'm the only one that loks at them lol. I digress. I ended up drawing a woman's face but couldn't get the eyes so I drew a blindfold over them. I wasn't even paying attention really, just doodling while I watched TV; I think it was The Newsroom. But the final product was a girl/woman/female with short hair rocking a blindfold. The inspiration was strange too. I don't know what I was originally trying to doodle, but my brain saw it and said "oo make that a lip". So then I spent forever trying to draw something that semi resembled a mouth. Well then I had to give it a face, obviously. So now I'm overthinking it, y'know. Like why did my subconscious tell me to draw that? Probably just going with whatever shapes were easiest to draw, let's be real haha. I am no great artiste by any stretch of the imagination. People always interpret my weirdness as artistic... this is not true. 

I've been sad this week. Like a lot sad. Like maybe should probably text Therapist, but maybe also it's not necessary I can wait it out. Anyway. Yesterday I had a moment where all I wanted was a sip of whisky. I was crying and holding Miracle Bear and the urge hit hard. However, I have a strict rule that says I am not allowed to drink if I'm upset. I set a boundary; once I calm down and it's been at least 20 minutes if I still want the drink I can have it. I rarely ever want it after that. Related note; I gave up alcohol for Lent. Anyway. I also have the rule for smoking. So no mind altering substances in response to a painful stimulus. Insert a delay of minimum of 20 minutes which starts once I demonstrate calm body. (This is actually a terrible operational definition, far too subjective. What exactly is a 'calm body/?) nerd. Anywayyyyy. I substituted the intoxicants for water and ended up chugging my entire water cup. New strat unlocked.

i just don't understand how you can

smile with all those tears in your eyes

some days i hate everything

please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

odds are long, so why not play?   

courtesy; hot.milk/everclear/barenaked.ladies/