somewhere in my memory...

 I think I forgot to write it down, so I'm doing it here but will eventually need to put in my paper journal. Thinking back now I know I hesitated to write it because putting words to paper is a spell of sorts, and I'm always afraid to inadvertently curse or ruin the moments by putting them down on paper in a state of permanence. 

I believe in signs. I believe in spirits, and I believe in guardian angels. I know that my dad has been with me since the day he passed, and I feel his presence regularly when I'm around the house. Funny, I get along better with him now than I ever did when he was alive. Asshole.

He was with me in the car while I waited for the paramedics. He was with me my entire recovery, and I can hear him in my ear sometimes when I get discouraged. 

I'll try and go back to pinpoint the day, I can probably guesstimate based on what's currently stacked on my journal and whenever the last entry was. But the other day I was cleaning the closet in my office and I have put my old journals in a bankers box that I can easily access while I work on my book and stories. There is an old journal that I taped a message from my dad in the cover. It was probably one of the only times he ever told me he was proud of me, so I cut it out and taped it there a decade ago. While I was putting the journals away, I dropped one. It was the one that had the note taped in it, and it was the first thing I saw when I picked up the notebook.

"I'm so proud of you. You are doing so well."

It came to me in a moment that I desperately needed it. And I know he sent it to me just like I know every time I see a cardinal it's my grandmother visiting me. Or dad, sometimes I think. 

I went through my picture stash yesterday looking for old Christmas shots, so today when I went to pull the rest out I found a card from M.E. Reminded me of one of my favorite vacations. And of course, the card had cardinal on the front.

This is the first Christmas I can remember that she has not been here. One of the maybe half a dozen times out of 38 years where I haven't woken up at her house on Christmas morning, and I'm sad about it. Obviously. I bought an ornament with a cardinal sitting on the tree that says "I am always with you." When dad died, that Christmas I bought a bell that says "It's a wonderful life" because that was his favorite Christmas movie. He liked to watch it on Christmas Eve. I've only managed to make it through the whole thing maybe once or twice, but I'm going to try again this year.

I decided to start a new tradition. When dad died I had his father of the bride gift that he never got wrapped in Christmas paper, as I had planned to give it to him on my next trip home. But I never got to. So I put it under the tree and bought the ornament. So this year, I bought M.E. a glass cardinal, wrapped it in special paper, and put it under the tree next to dad's then bought the ornament. Anytime we suffer a big loss there will be an ornament in their honor and a symbolic gift under the tree. That way they are not forgotten, but memorialized in simple ways. 

I don't know who will ever open those gifts. That'll likely be a problem for the husband to solve lol. 

*dark humor*

okay. /end.

welcome to my witchy era.

 No more people pleasing, no more biting my tongue, no more bending over backwards to fit someone else’s mold. This is me guys. The mask is dropping. The ‘tism and unmedicated ADHD are on full display and instead of being ashamed of the awkwardness and differences this caused in my youth (because girls couldn’t have autism or ADHD, I was just sensitive and intense and misdiagnosed bipolar for 20+ years) I embrace it. The parts of myself that make me weird and different and quirky are my favorite ones! Sure, I am terrible at reading social cues and often offend people with my bluntness and tone (iykyk), or struggle to talk about anything other than the 3 niche topics I’m interested in. I might have extreme meltdowns and difficulties regulating my emotions, which can make me a challenging person to be around. I might even talk about myself all the time, but know it’s because I’m desperately trying to connect with you.

In spite of those things, I am also funny and kind and a good teacher, even with my awkwardness. I’m passionate about animals and nature and I love to sing and help people. All of these things make me who I am, and I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I accept it instead of pretending the not so fun parts don’t exist.

Anywhoozle.

*mic drop*

macintosh.

 Write a detailed blurb on the memory of your first visit to the computer lab when you were young. And the subsequent visits, playing games on the giant floppy disks. I remember being taught how to organize them and slide them into the slot and login to the computer. The sensation and sound of pressing the seemingly giant keys. Though in comparison to the keyboard I'm typing on they were big and bulk. I recall the thrill of walking into the room, and the smell of the heat from the computers. It was a small room next to the water fountain and my favorite bathroom. The multipurpose room is on the other side, and the secret staircase between the first and second floor is across the hall. I wasn't allowed to use those until junior high, and I think it was only because of some extra curricular I was involved in. Girl Scouts or choir maybe? 

The computers gave off a mechanical technological smelling heat and the room quietly hummed with the electricity required to keep them all running. The absolute awe I had for this giant machine in front of me that was previously only known in science fiction movies. I can't even say I would play pretend with computers involved yet, at that time I had very little to use as a point of reference. Computers weren't a huge topic of conversation in my family. My grandmother worked in sales at JcPenny and still swiped credit cards manually. Using a carbon copy and sliding it back and forth in the now extinct "ch ch" sound, followed by the cha ching from the sound of the register opening. 

Computer lab days were special.  There were math games and spelling games and it was so satisfying to win. Fast forward to 5th grade--only 4 years later. Microsoft Word and typing games and Oregon Trail and hotmail.

it's just a bad day, not a bad life.

 Okay so hear me out...

Statement Halloween costume: A suffragette.

Mrs. Pigglewiggle

 Dear Diary,

I went to the mall today with some of the girls from Girl Scouts, it was fun! We went to the arcade and I did REALLLYYY good at the quarter game. You know the one where you have to drop the coins so they get pushed the right way? I am normally not very good at it, but I was today! One of the girls that I don't usually talk to, Lisa K. was playing a game close to me and saw how good I was doing and came and stood with me. It was cool, I hadn't talked to her much before but she has always been nice to me. She is in my class, she sits in the back by the pencil sharpener. She's really pretty, and my mom likes her mom. She's from England and her dad is from a different country in Europe, but I can't remember which one. How cool is that?! I wish I had parents from another country. I would also be ok with having parents who hung out with me like Lisa's parents do. They just got back from a vacation to see her grandparents and was telling me all about the stuff she did with her family. She saw the ocean and she said that everyone spoke her dad's language and she could only understand some of what they said, but that everyone was nice. I think maybe I made a new friend! At least I hope so! Her house is in The School neighborhood where lots of other kids (and even teachers!) live and I would like to see what it looks like. Making new friends is fun because not only do I get someone new to play with, but a new house to explore, and I like spending time with their families too. 

I have played in that neighborhood a few times with different kids from school. I thought maybe they wanted to be friends too, but I was wrong. Like last year with Jessika S. I was so excited that I had been invited over to her house, she is one of the popular girls who is really good at sports. She told me she plays on a soccer team after school sometimes. I went to her house twice in one weekend and it was awesome! She has a whole playroom in the basement and bunk beds in her room. We played school and house then went upstairs and pretended we were in Saved By the Bell. She got to be Kelly though and pretended she was married to Zack Morris and I had to be Jessie and marry Slater. That is not too bad, I suppose even though when I play by myself I ALWAYS get to marry Zack Morris. But Jessika is prettier than me, so she said it made sense that she got to be Kelly. At least it wasn't Screech! I thought we were friends after that, but when I tried to talk to her at school to see if she wanted to play next weekend she acted like she did not know what I was talking about. :( And anytime I tried to call after that her mom said she was too busy with soccer practice so I stopped calling.

I signed up for a soccer team once, but I only went two times. Jessika plays soccer, and there's another boy, Devin who is new at my school, who plays. There is another boy too, Brian L. who plays, and the other Jessica, Jessica G. and they all talk about it. I thought maybe if I signed up for soccer I could make some new friends and I would be able to talk about it with them too. But turns out I am no good at soccer and the other kids are already way better and the boy from my class that I thought was nice is not nice. I told mom I did not want to go back. She was mad because she had just bought me lots of soccer stuff, and made me go back. She said we do not have money to spend like that, and already had to ask Grandma for help. But I told her I thought Grandma likes to help because she does all the time but she didn't say anything and went back to her room and closed the door so I left her alone. When we went back the next time she stayed to watch and saw everything so she let me leave early and we went and got McDonalds and she let me get a Happy Meal and then to the book store to pick out a new Mrs. Pigglewiggle book. I am happy that I don't have to go back and that I got a new book. I would rather read anyway, the people in the stories are always better friends.

Love,

Billie

Dear Diary,

I forgot to tell you about the stuff I got from the arcade with all the tickets I won from the quarter push game! 

Okay back! Sorry you don't know because I didn't have time to write it, but I had to leave for a min. the phone rang and it was the special ring mom uses so I know it's her and I didn't want to get in trouble for missing it. Her and Step Dad are both at work so I'm home alone. I have gotten pretty used to it and am starting to like it. At the arcade I got two gold rings and they are so pretty! One is twisty and kind of bumpy and fits my ring finger very good. The other one has a big circle on the front and there is a lion on it. Like how you can see George Washington's head on a quarter. You can't see it from far away, but I can feel it when I run my finger over it. I like the way it feels it's very smooth and I like to pretend that it is a magic sort of ring like in The Magician's Nephew and it just needs to be talked to or rubbed the right way to take me away. Or how cool would it be if it was like a magic lamp and if I rub it a genie will pop out and grant me 3 wishes! I wonder what my wishes would be?

St. Stephen St

 Early morning is my favorite time of day. That liminal space where color starts to touch the sky and you can't perceive exactly when it starts, but it's suddenly just... light. 

Sunrises carry many meanings with them, depending on my stage of life and state of mind. As a child it meant precious time where I had the house and space and time all to myself. There's something special about that early morning time between about 3-6am. You feel enclosed in a bubble of solitude. Of peace. No one expects anything important from you at 3:22 in the morning. It's perfectly acceptable, in fact encouraged, to be in bed with the lights off and the fan blowing and the quiet. 

I sleep with the TV on. And that time of night, I'm so entuned and it's so quiet I can have the volume low enough to barely be perceptible during the day and still hear. Granted, the subtitles absolutely help, but I can still hear the dialogue.

I wonder if it's related to my auditory processing struggles? I'm half asleep, in a state of fuzzy limbo, but with nothing societally expected of me my thoughts tend to quiet. Is it because the inside of my head is quieter that I can process the sounds easier?

Dear Diary,

I went exploring the neighborhood again today. I've gotten good at figuring out and remember who lives in each house while I'm out riding my bike or playing in the backyard. I like to watch them. The Krantzes, two houses down on the right, have a nice house and the youngest daughter collects Troll dolls too. They have a trampoline, but Grandma says I'm not allowed to jump on it because I might fall and break all the teeth out of my head.

There's this one house that I used to visit, four houses down on the left. There was a nice lady named Eloise that lived there. She smelled like my Grandma. I met her cause one day I decided I want to know who was living in some of the houses I didn't know, so I walked over and knocked on her door and introduced myself. She was nice. She gave me pecan sandy cookies and let me pet her fluffy dog. She had a big backyard that was up against the forest behind the school, and the creek runs through it. When I wanted to play in the creek I would just go to her house and knock on the door and she would let me cut through and go out her back door. I did this almost every day for a summer, it was so much fun! She always had cookies for me.

Then one day I went over there after not going for a long time because I had to go back to school. And a different lady answered the door. When I asked where Eloise was she looked sad and told me that she didn't live there anymore. That she had passed away. This made me sad, but in Sunday school they say when people pass away we get to see them again in Heaven so I'm not too sad. 

I am sad that I won't be able to visit her anymore though, and go through her house to get to the creek. All the other neighbors have fences in their yards so I can't get to it anymore.

Dear Diary,

Today I did something scary but exciting and I'm so glad I didn't get in trouble. But if someone found out I could get in big trouble so you have to PROMISE you don't tell anyone okay?

Remember that nice lady Eloise and how I used to go to her house and now someone else lives there and I can't get to the creek anymore?

Well one day I decided to go over there and ask again but when I knocked no one answered. I don't know what made me do it, but I turned the door knob anyway and it opened! I took a deep breath and stepped inside as quietly as I could. I could actually hear my heartbeat in my ears!

I took a few steps forward and nothing happened, and after walking around the living room no one came out and yelled at me so I got brave and explored a little bit. The house looked familiar, they had the couch in the same spot but they had a big rocking chair like Grandpa's where she used to have her little couch. I checked their kitchen for snacks, they had some of the blue Gatorade I like and two of those new Lunchable things stacked in the fridge. I opened all the drawers and cabinets, just to see what was inside. I didn't want to take anything, I only wanted to see what kind of stuff they have and what that might mean about the lives they lead.

After I checked everything out I took a Gatorade and Lunchable so I could have a picnic and went out the backdoor.

I went to my spot by the big rock and sat and ate my snack. It was one of the ham ones though, and I HATE ham. UGH it's so gross. Dad tried to make me eat it once and I threw up so he didn't make me try it again. But the crackers and cheese were good, but the chocolate mint was the best part. 

I went exploring a little bit after that, I wanted to find some new rocks for my collection. I have so many Grandma ME says we'll have to ask the neighbor Bob if he'll build me a special box to keep them in. Right now I just carry them around in one of those plastic bags that curtains come in when you buy them from the store. Grandma sells curtains (she says 'I work in draperies') and likes to buy them when they get cheap so we have lots of them laying around.

I had to walk a really far way down the creek to be able to cross over so I could get back to my house. I was lucky that the streetlights hadn't come on but Grandma was still mad. She didn't like it when I came home muddy and with rocks in my pockets. 

I hid the trash from the food I took from those peoples houses under my bed. I didn't want to put it in the trash and have her see it and ask where it came from. We never have things like that in the house so she'd know it wasn't ours.

Trash day is on Tuesday so I'll wake up early to sneak it out to the dumpster before the trashmen come. 

I wonder what those people thought when they saw that one of their drinks and Lunchables were missing.

Billie's Story

This is the story of a junior high girl and her chaotic upbringing. Her parents runaway young marriage and teen pregnancy. Her grandparents fought each other as much as, if not more than the parents, and everyone had an opinion on how the child should be raised. 

The child spent much of her young life stumbling through different parenting styles from people who were supposed to know better and love her. But all those people sent conflicting and incomplete messages, as they bickered amongst themselves they stopped sending the messages as they assumed it was already too late--that someone else had already taught the lesson.

But they hadn't.

The little girl was never quite sure what rules to follow, so she made up her own. They made sense to her, and fit comfortably in the world she'd created inside her head. The people inside her head were far more interesting and easy to talk to anyway.

Dear Diary,

Today is the day! Moving day. I'm excited to live someplace new and to move out of the trailer park. It's an actual house in the School Name neighborhood where a lot of my friends, and even some of my teachers, live. There won't be a neighborhood pool anymore though, which I'm sad to leave behind but the new neighborhood is so much bigger, which means more space to ride my bike!

I'm also sad because Step Dad won't be coming with us. Mom told me that our moving is a secret, and not to tell anyone. Especially Grandma or Step Dad. She said she met someone at work, and that Step Dad never wanted to better themselves, so she had to leave and now she wants to be with this new guy. I've met him a couple times and he seems nice. He took us to the mall and out to dinner and the movies. I don't really understand it, but I'm glad she's happy.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was my first morning in the new house. Sorry for not writing anything right away, but I wanted to get started unpacking and setting up my room. I get the big bedroom with my very own bathroom, how cool is that?! Mom let me have the master bedroom because she felt bad about taking me away from Step Dad and making my lie to Grandma. I don't know if it really makes up for it, but I've had fun planning the decoration ideas with Chaudron. We talked about it last night on our way home from AWANA. So you know how I like Winnie the Pooh, right? Have you ever seen classic Winnie the Pooh?? It's so pretty! So now I'm thinking Classic Winnie the Pooh for the bathroom, and butterflies for the bedroom. Other Grandma bought me pretty butterfly curtains for my new room! They're SOO pretty! A sheer white with colorful butterflies everywhere, they're going to make the room look so fun! I also have to leave room for my JTT (that's Johnathan Tayler Thomas, if you didn't know) and Devon Sawa posters. OMG they're so HOT!!

Another cool thing about living in the new house is that Mom's Boyfriend just bought a computer!! Now I'll be able to have my own screenname in chat rooms. I've been practicing typing in Specials class (I have computers this quarter) and so far I'm the fastest in the class. I'm never the best at anything so it made me feel really good when Mr. Teacher told the class about me. It was embarrassing having all that attention on me, but I guess it's not that much different than dance or choir. I don't know though. I rehearse for those. Ugh. I wish I could rehearse everything. It would make life so much easier! I never know what to say to people, they talk about things I could care less about and look at me like I'm a weirdo when I try to talk about the things I like. I feel like people always laugh at me when I try to be myself. 

I do practice sometimes, or at least I try. Mom let me sign up to get Seventeen and I read those over and over again. I could never wear some of those clothes though I wish I could. Those girls are so pretty! Why couldn't God have made me half as pretty as them? 

Well Diary, G2G! I'm going swimming at Michelle's house. I hope mom let's me stay the weekend, we were working on a super cool haunted house in the basement last time and I want to finish it. 

Peace Out,

Billie