it is in the small things we see it.



Sometimes, if I think about my life all at once I get crazy overwhelmed.

 But if I look at it on a day to day basis I think

hey- not too shabby for a lying, conniving junkie.

if i know only one thing,

it's that everything that i see of the world outside is so inconceivable often i barely can speak

yeah, i'm tongue tied and dizzy and i can't keep it to myself

what good is it to sing helplessness blues,

why should i wait for anyone else?

I've finally found appreciation for the little things, something I think is important for a full life. It's taken me pretty much my entire life up until this point to reach this level, and I'm kinda pumped about it. It's the little things in life that make me happy. Those seemingly irrelevant instances and tiny moments that we, in the chaos we call life, fail to notice. Now I am by no means a happiness expert. Dear god, no. I kinda suck at it, most of the time. The term I usually use to describe myself is melancholic misanthrope. I wish on stars and my heart breaks when they don't come true. I wait for prince charming to save me from the dark then stab him in the back because I'm afraid of him more than the darkness.

La Belle Dames San Merci; Waterhouse*

translation: the beautiful woman without mercy

Why? Iono. Beats me, just part of the 'Aly' job description I guess. But, never fear, this is not an all the time state of being, just kind of an undercurrent. I prefer to think of it as artistic. Anyway. I'm wandering away from the point. My point being here is that I can still retain this quintessential 'Alyness' that is me without being a total buzzkill. And so can you. Do I really have to say it? We create our own realities, so if you want to take some time for yourself, if you want to decompress a bit and 'stop and smell the roses' as it were, you should. You'll find life a lot easier to deal with.

It's nice being able to declare that you're happy. In my soc class we were having a discussion about health, which of course includes mental health, and my teacher asked us who considers themselves actually happy, and who thinks they truly love themselves. Now there's a concept. Can you honestly say that you're pleased with yourself? With your life? Don't those things go hand in hand? And if you don't, if you aren't, what are you going to do to change it? Or are you just one of those people that accepts it and play the victim. From what I've seen, most people don't even realize they aren't happy. But you can hear it when they speak, see it in their eyes when they try to avoid eye contact. They open their mouths and words come out, but they're not really saying anything. Ever noticed that most of the time when you make direct eye contact with someone, or try to, it makes them nervous? You're stating your confidence without words and since so many of us (myself included) generally lack such confidence we back down. It's asserting dominance in actuality.

what is happiness to you, david?

I'm happy just being me. Not because someone else is creating a euphoric reaction from me... I'm just happy with myself. Don't get me wrong, it's a bonus. It's more a "it's nice to have you here, it's nice to know you think about me the same way I think about you." But for once, I 'm not bitching about something! YAY. I'm not going on about love, I'm not speculating on my fuck buddies, or being lonely. And I'm most definitely notgoing on a whiny rampage about how my life sucks, I'm miserable, I'm tired of being alone, I miss this, I miss that... wah. wah. fucking wah.You get the idea.

I'm happy.

Girls, seriously, take a moment and think about all those little things you probably don't notice because you're so busy being batshit crazy. Or too busy making such a big deal of stupid shit, like whether or not he gets to go spend a day at the boat with his boys, for example... that you forget to appreciate the little things... Like when a guy opens the door for you, or puts your socks on for you while you're getting dressed. When he gives you a back rub after you've had a long day at work and school. Leaving notes on the night stand if they leave before you so you wake up smiling and thinking of them. Surprising you at work with lunch. Bringing tampons to you at work because you started your period and didn't have any in your purse. Going to the store and buying you shampoo because he noticed you were out. Sitting and watching Gone with the Wind with you even though he hates chick fliks, even more than he hates old movies. Foot rubs. Especially when he takes your shoes and socks off for you and does it without you have to ask for it. Cuddling on the couch after work. When he comes up and puts his arms around you while you're doing the dishes. Spontaneous sex in the kitchen while you're cooking dinner. Telling you stories before bed because you asked him to. When he doesn't make fun of you because you can't sleep without your teddy bear. Coming to tuck you in if you go to sleep before him. Making playlists dedicated to you. Making sure to kiss you goodbye before he walks out the door. Letting you whine about petty shit because you don't want to talk about what's really bothering you.. Then still listening when you get to the tears... As you can see, I could go on with this for awhile. Maybe my own ideas of romanticism are cheesy too, but I find that it's the little things that make me smile the most.

I don't really have anything for guys here. This seems a bit romantic-y to throw into the middle of this entry, and in fact, I stole a lot of it from last years Valentine's Day post, but I've been watching black and white movies and listening to break up songs again, so I decided it needed to somehow be incorporated. I've also noticed a reoccurring trend amongst couples lately. In this, that is relationship stuff, I'm not expert either. But maybe it's my horrible track record that gives me insight into what not to do to make a relationship work, less than what makes them succeed. Sooo... yeah. Pay the fuck attention.

Anyway.

 Moving forward.

I'm happy. In a simple way. I have a job, a roof over my head, a car, my education, and I'm surrounded by bad ass motherfuckers. The friends I have are legit, they aren't just using me for my car, money, or couch. I've got this big family that's pretty awesome (if not a bit on the eccentric side). I have a boyfriend I adore, and a comfortable bed to sleep in. I get to park in a garage for the first time in my entire life and even have a clicker. I'm finally close to both my mom AND dad (even though he's a crazy motherfucker) and I have direction. DIRECTION, I SAY. I hope I'm not jinxing myself here (knock on wood, tap on glass) but I just wanted to document this moment, for once. So someday, when I'm not having such a good day, when life sucks and I hate it and I can't remember why I want to live this way or why I want to keep working so hard... I can look back on this and remember. Hey, life is good.

 Play the tape till the end.

This is your movie.




 

courtesy; fleet.foxes/vanilla.sky

*This is my absolute FAVORITE painting, for those of you that have been to any of my homes, you'll recognize it. I have a copy of it that I always have hanging. It's actually based on a poem by John Keats, which you can read here if you are so inclined.