word.

FUCK!

 

that is all.

fireworks.

When did I become a grown up? I remember turning 18 and thinking I knew everything. Nobody could tell me anything without me thinking I knew better. I was an adult, damnit. I could buy cigarettes and porn and legally get married or join the military... obviously I was right and they were wrong. Then there was 21... I could buy booze, I lived on my own, and I just KNEW I was right by that point, because I had already been "right" for the past 3 years.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

With age comes wisdom, which makes me feel old when I say that...but it's true. When you're between 18 and 21 you think you know everything because you're legally an adult... you have that "adult"-ness without the experience to back up any of the decisions you're making. When I was that age I would have never asked my parents opinion or thought twice about the choices I made. Now I ask my parents opinion on everything and take two weeks to make important decisions. There's always that... "If I had just listened..." scenario... but the past is the past, you can't change it. It is what it is. All you can do is learn from it. I apparently like to learn things the hard way... But I think that makes me a stronger person. I guess that's how people see me because I get told how strong I am all the time. Personally, I think they may be full of shit. But then other times I remember how fucking awesome I am and... well. You just can't take that way once you've got it. It's not my fault I'm awesome, I was born this way. I might have lost the spark there for awhile, but it was still there. And the thing is, everybody is awesome in their own way. If you don't see yourself that way, no one else will either. You can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself....  

do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cuz there's a spark in you?





courtesy;katy.pery

 

baby, you don't know me 'cuz you're dead wrong.

The best things are worth the wait... If it's easy, it probably isn't what you need anyway. People are constantly surprising me, which, though flabbergasting at times, is what makes life interesting. You think you know someone and three days later they've done a 360 and are treating you completely different. Since I don't believe people change, but their circumstances do, this leaves me to wonder how they really felt to begin with... It's amazing how fast a person can go from loving to hating you, it can happen in a moment. But I'm used to people hating me... It's always my fault so... its never really that shocking. The question is, if you can snap so quickly from one to the other, did they ever actually love you to begin with?

Hm...
think about it.

When you say you love someone, mean it; that half ass shit is for the birds. And keep in mind there are different kinds of love... Just because someone loves you one way and not the other doesn't mean they love you any less... Having that shit thrown back in your face fucking blows, so don't make promises you aren't sure you can keep.

"I'll love you forever."  ...forever is a long fucking time.

"I'll love you no matter what." ....no matter what tends to be open to interpretation.

"I would never do that to you because I love you too much." ...never is an awfully strong word.


I'm not sure where this little tirade came from, I just started typing and this is what my brain produced... I'm fully aware that I'm terrible at relationships. I don't know if my parent's bad track records doomed me from the beginning, or because I have some sort of weird daddy issues, or my trust issues don't allow me to connect with people on important levels, or if it's just an uncontrollable fear of commitment. Probably all of them on some level lol.

I am really good at faking it though... 

Ever had one of those moments where something totally unexpected happens but it's exactly what you'd been looking for, even though you didn't know it? This is one of those nice surprises. You spend the next week with those happy little butterflies and that stupid, creeper grin breaks out on your face every time you think about it...


 Go big or go home, yeah? What happens when you get old and are sitting around in your rocking chair on the front porch saying, "I wish I'd done this..."


HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!
have you thanked a Vet today?

you are my sunshine.

did you find what you were after? 

the pain and the laughter brought you to your knees.

but if the sun sets you free 

sets you free

you'll be free indeed

she's only happy in the sun

This weekend... hm. yeah...yay. (was forced to drive the big truck.. woOt. holy crap the bed of it is taller than I am, I have to jump to get out of it) I went and visited Keat's grave before I got on the road... sat and talked to him for a minute and blew him kisses. Fuck, I miss that kid. only the good die young However I'm pretty sure the awesomeness of the weekend will carry into the week. Which will carry into the next week of Aly-Type-Staycation. YAY MEMORIAL DAY! And don't get me wrong, I love my daddy and everything, but I'm so PUMPED to have the house to myself for a week. Party, anyone?

oh that's right, I don't know enough people in these parts to have a party...

besides, the church and old people in the neighborhood, who all seem to know me, would probably not like that so much. Have I mentioned that I'm surrounded by a church? The parking lot is 7.5 feet from my bedroom window and the backyard has got the activity center/youth center/whatever center directly behind it. Needless to say every time I cook eggs in my underwear I try and make sure there's no youth group being conducted outside... I'd feel pretty bad if I inadvertently sent some teeny-bopper to hell because he was watching me frolic through the house scantily clad.

The sunshine has got me twitching to be outside. Every afternoon I've been driving home from work trying to think about what I'm going to do when I got home... I'm thinking I need to invest in a kiddie pool, fill it with Busch beer (NOT Busch light or Bud Light or anything of that nature... if I'm going to drink cheap beer, I'd like to taste it and not spend every 15 minutes running to pee thankyouverymuch) and post up in the backyard with some tanning oil and my headphones. Bet the coal miners next door would get a kick out of that. Probably a better idea to head to the cousins where the closest neighbor is almost a mile away. Besides, we always have way too much fun together. (Is there such a thing as too much fun? I suppose if it lands you in jail, that's probably too much... I gotta quit getting arrested, it's starting to get expensive) But forreal though, any excuse to be outside, even if it involves labor. I could use the exercise, gotta work on the guns. (HAHAHAHA) Especially if it means I get to be half naked in a bathing suit and shorts, feeling the sun on my shoulders; I like my shoulder freckles.

The sun was out yesterday afternoon, before the freak hail storm. I rocked out in TOWANDA with the windows down, dressed only in my cutoffs and bathing suit top. It was glorious. Makes me feel like summer is truly here. Although I feel it is worth mentioning that leather seats SUCK when you're sweaty. I've got a towel on the seat to keep my ass from sizzling but my back kept sticking to the back rest. Also, I have discovered that lacy underwear is better suited to sexy time than driving in the heat... talk about wedgie from hell. Ever notice how the seriously uncomfortable ones tend to happen while you're driving, when it's difficult to adjust?? Bah. Anyway. I've finally gotten to the point where the new memories have over taken the old ones... The sunshine makes me smile instead of make me fiend. The wind whipping through the car feels good iwhipmyhairbackandforth and doesn't remind me of the drive through the ghetto sweating my proverbial balls off. Long car rides make me feel like a teenager again and make me want to go swimming instead of scoring. The beautiful weather is no longer a trigger but now a reminder of why life is good.

Life IS good, whether or not you take the time to notice.

Stop, look up, see the leaves blowing in the breeze, smile.

courtesy; billy.joel/ben.harper

mom.

Today is a celebration of all the mom's out there. The ones who nursed us through the night, waking up every two hours to feed us even after who knows how many hours of labor. The ones who felt our foreheads and told us to get back into bed, they'd call the school and tell them we weren't coming in today. Who could also tell when we were faking it and had just put a hot wash cloth on our face. And the times they let us get away with it just so we could spend the day together. To all the mothers who worried when we started driving. Who sat up all night the first time we went out on a date, wondering how it went and hoping the boy didn't take it too far. The ones who waited for you to try and sneak in past curfew and snagged your car keys for the next week. You don't like riding the bus to school? Try sneaking in at one o'clock in the morning again and see how much you like riding it for the rest of the year. To the mommy's whose hearts broke the first time ours did. Who held our hands and let us pour out our sorrows, about how he found a new girlfriend and she's ugly and I'm totally prettier than she is. How she put our scribbles from school on the fridge and praised them as if we were the next Picasso. The ones who hollered at us when the street lights came on and had dinner waiting on the table. The ones who kissed our knees when we skinned them, and splurged to buy the expensive Ninja Turtle band-aids. All the mamas that sat through The Lion King and Blue's Clues at least 15 times a day, even singing along to make us giggle. All the amazing women who sacrificed their happiness for ours, who find new gray hairs because of our shenanigans.

And to those few who have been like mothers to me; who gave me advice, let me sleep on their couch, and fed me home cooked meals. The ones who handed me a cup of coffee as I staggered into their kitchen after waking up on the couch, eyeliner smeared across my face and hair sticking on end after a night of partying. You who had no obligation to me, but took it upon yourselves to care for me anyway.


To my mother especially, who has been nothing but supportive even after all the times I fucked up royally. I'm not sure there are very many people out there who would continue to put up with my shit for 26 years. Love you mom.

starships are meant to fly.

In my next life I want to be Nikki Minaj. I'd look great with pink hair, don't you think? Today was... gorgeous. One of those afternoons you look back on when the weather starts to turn chilly and think, oh yeah, that's what I did with my summer. I got some Veggie Tales action this afternoon, which was pretty fantastic. I don't care how old you are, that shit is still funny. I can still sing along with most of the songs, actually. Haha.

When I came home tonight, after a Chinese food and mustache filled evening, I decided to put my t.v. to good use and threw in When Harry Met Sally... It's just one of those kinds of nights. The dialogue is so... Yay Billy Crystal and Rob Reiner. I guess we can throw a fist-bump in there for Meg Ryan too for the orgasm in the deli scene. Face it boys, it's a fact of life that at one time or another, she's faked it for you. Why, I'm not sure, 'cuz that doesn't push you to try harder which seems counterproductive....

I'm saying that the right man for you might be out there right now and if you don't grab him someone else will and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.

I'm 26 years old and I still have no idea how to make a relationship work. Was there a memo that I missed? An instruction manual I perhaps forgot to pick up? I'm not complaining... just... wondering.

Too bad I don't have Casablanca on tape too... I need some black & white film time in my life. I miss TCM. I remember lying on our couch and watching TCM for hours while he was at work...


"Men and women can't be friends 'cuz the sex part always gets in the way... No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive, he'll always want to have sex with her."

Hmm...
true or false?

moonjuice.

SUPER MOON!

And once again it's time for that full moon fever (thank you Mr. Petty)... That time of the month where everyone is a little crazy... Atmosphere induced PMS, if you will. If you've ever worked a customer service job or in a hospital, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The moon goes round and it's like a Crazy-Type-Person-Bat Signal goes off.

Holy menopause Batman!

I hate it when it sneaks up on me... I'll have a 2 day stretch where my own personal crazy antennae are twitching and I can't figure out why. Then I'll be walking to my car one night after work and look up and see the man in the moon waving back at me...

Saturday night was quite beautiful, actually. I was standing by the driver's side bumper of my car in my work parking lot, texting someone, and looked up because I saw a streak of lightening flow through the sky. It lit up the clouds behind the moon, making them a burnt orange color. The clouds looked smokey, as if someone had taken their thumb and smudged them across the night. The entire drive home the lightening crackled, lighting up random spots... There were other patches of clouds that looked like a mosaic of night had been superimposed over the real thing. And in the center of all of this was the moon...

Last night's was even cooler (actually Sunday night this time). It was huge and a yellowy-orange color. The clouds around it were awesome. Actually, it looked like an alligator with it's mouth around it. Or a clam with a pearl inside it. I saw both. Fucking nifty, either way.

Soo.... FINALS WEEK!

I'm not nervous since I've been busting ass all semester so that when finals got here I wouldn't have to stress about it. Which is, y'know, pretty cool. But it's actually kinda got me down too. I was into school. Yes, I'm a nerd, I know. But it made me feel accomplished. Staples doesn't do that so much. It's only for the summer though and I'm sure it'll fly by and once it starts up again in the fall I'll be wondering where my summer went. It will be nice to have some down time, I suppose. But this down time is already giving me too much time to think... Thinking is dangerous for me. (lol) I mean sure, I do it on a regular basis (more so than most people, I've come to realize) but my tendency is to over think things. I've noticed that as a reoccurring trend in intelligent folks. Yeah, I'm egotistical enough to consider myself intelligent. I've encountered wayyyy too many stupid fucking people to think otherwise. But I digress. Perhaps it's all the extra brain juice we've got flowing through our noggins that gives us that opportunity to let that other part of our mind spin & spin & spin... But I could just be speaking for myself...

I think about the future, I think about the past... I think about the past a lot, actually. And not the things you'd probably think. Or maybe you would, I don't know. (stupid dreams) And but of course, there's the present. The present isn't nearly as interesting till it becomes the past, ever noticed that?

Conclusion: Never take for granted the good things you have in your life. The minute you do, they'll be gone. instead i turned and ran....

hey, i just met you

and this is crazy

but here's my number

so call me, maybe?

courtesy; elizaveta/carly.rae.jaspen

what if all the world's inside of your head?

AHHHHHH! I feel like a real human being again! (as opposed to a fake one, yes.) My stress level has declined so significantly as to produce a giddy adrenaline rush each time I think about how to today went. Why I even worked myself up so bad I'll never know... Oh. Yeah. Because "[my] life was in [their] hands dude..." And each lie got more interesting than the last. Funny story, the one they told this month was different than the one they had for last month. Surprising? Not in the least.

i'm not afraid of darkness that walks the city streets,

betrayal is the one thing that brings me to my knees

i thought you were an angel, my rescue from this hell-

the devil was an actor who played his part too well .

But it happened. It's over now...

Aly: 1
St. Clair County: 0.

ALY'S FUCKING LIFE; Phase 26; Chapter 3 starts today.

to all the ones that hated me-

the most to toast

you really had me

going for a second 

i was nervous

boy am i the poster girl 

for some suburban sickness?

better keep a healthy distance

now it's up to you, know what to do-

it's pretty dirty business.

Moral of the story: kick ass, fly straight, stick to it no matter what, learn to keep your word, set attainable goals, send out positive vibes and they will return to you, be awesome.*

Ever notice how when something bad happens in our lives we seem to see it as this catastrophic event that throws everything out of whack... Our emotions tend to over power our perspectives, to reinterpret our realities. "Because I think it, because I feel it, it must be true." are you sure what side of the glass you are on? see the safety of the life you have lived. everything where it belongs. We've all done this. (guiltyyyyyy) Some more so than others. Welp, and I know this may come as a shock, but this is actually not the case. Just because our realities are altered, doesn't mean anyone else's change. what if everything around you isn't quite as it seems? what if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?   Even if you were at the same place, at the same time, and had the same thing happen to you, the experience was unique to each of you. You each have a your own way of processing said experience. It's why some people cry at funerals, and some stand stoically in the background. It's why some giggle when they're nervous, some fidget, some get angry at the feeling of powerlessness... It's so difficult to try and understand exactly how anyone else feels, because... well, you can't. Y'know how people say, "Oh I know how you feel." No. You fucking don't. You may understand my situation because you've been through something similar. But no. You are not me. You are wired differently than me, therefore you do not know how I feel. You empathize with the situation. Which is okay, it is definitely appreciated. But realize, our realities are different so don't try and force yours on me.  

Speaking of which, I feel I should take this opportunity to specify the difference between empathy and sympathy.

empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

sympathy:  feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

'k, see? NOT the same. One is an understanding of feelings, one is an expression of them. Sympathy is not helpful, it is not productive. Pitying someone just gives them an excuse to keep doing what they're doing instead of trying to overcome the situation. Let me clarify; 

Do. Not. Ever. Feel. Fucking. Sorry. For. Me. 

Chances are, whatever is going on is my own damn fault anyway. And if it isn't, the experience is a life lesson, something to make me stronger or guide me towards my destiny, even if I don't see it at the time. I may not realize it for another 20 fucking years. But I've reached the point where I'm okay with that. One more step towards enlightenment. I will figure out this game called Life before I die. Damnit.

 

Balance. It's always about balance. Without sadness, there is no happiness. Without darkness, there is no light.

what if all the world's inside of your head?

 just creations of your own. 

your devils and your gods, all the living and the dead... 

you can live in this illusion, 

you can choose to believe...

is it all you want it to be?

c'est la vie, non?

courtesy; elizaveta/dresden.dolls/NiN

*sorry, I know not everyone can be as awesome as me, but that doesn't mean you can't be as awesome as you.

tell me a story where the hero sets me free.

i believe in faerie tales and serendipitous encounters

catch a tiger by the tail and make a wish straight from the fountain

i believe love will prevail the path is clear for me to follow

shooting stars will leave a trail for me to fill with joy and sorrow

leave your fear of love behind

let your dreaming be your guide

if you seek, then you shall find

torn and tattered from the fall and waiting to rise up again

i can feel it in my blood i hold the future in my hand.

Ever noticed how certain albums seem to overtake your life? It seems that every time you turn on the stereo it's the one that comes on. And it isn't just a couple songs off it, you play it in the entirety... over and over again. Well, at least I do. That could possibly have something to do with my OCD tendencies...

Hah.
But maybe you're like me.

There are a core few that always seem to keep popping up. Generally when I've had a bad break up... or am super stressed... or I've got a lot of thinking to do. Or the opposite of that sometimes, when I don't want to do any real thinking and I'd just like to unplug my head for a little while. If you don't have your own list, you should get one. Music is the soundtrack of our lives... And every good story needs an amazing soundtrack.

Sublime; Acoustic album
Animals; Pink Floyd
Best of Bowie; David Bowie
I'm Afraid of Whose Afraid of Virgina Wolfe; Murder By Death
Give Up; Postal Service
Fahrenheit Fair Enough; Telefon Tel Aviv

And the newest addition... Beatrix Runs; Elizaveta.

Holyshitman, I can't stop listening to it. I don't even consciously put it on, but I find myself caught up in her lyrics... I'm a writer. I'm a reader. It's what I do. Any creative talent I have is in my ability to manipulate language. And to appreciate the ability in others...
.

no need for subterfuge-

i've all run out of insight

and inspiring things to say.

no need to worry so about me

'cuz you know, i'm landing on my feet.

Not really sure if my point was to submit a review of her album or to just talk about the shit that's been floating through the ole think-box lately... I have officially reached maximum stress capacity, which I believe I've previously mentioned. But after today, it has fortunately diminished slightly. Phase I of II is complete! And I passed it with flying colors. To paraphrase,

"They may have given you the tools, but you're the one that did it... You've been willing to do whatever you had to since the beginning. You are the one that put in the work and dedication to have gotten this far, no one did it for you. Don't cut yourself short on how far you've come. I'm so happy for you. You're going to do whatever you set your mind to."

...wow. just... wow. Considering I was a total FUCKWAD for the past what, 6 years? I'm constantly surprised by people who have such genuine things to say about me... I haven't always been a very good person. And that's putting it mildly. A zombified, shell of a person with lax (if not non-existent) morals and a blind concern for my own personal gain despite others feelings, would be a more appropriate term methinks. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel bad about it. I think if I were to just go on with my life as if nothing happened would be minimizing the impact I had on others... and after all the unfairness, I can't bring myself to justify that. To some degree, I deserve to feel guilty. I fucked up... But I'm doing what I can to come back from that. I guess there are some people out there who can see it... which is so... amazing. So... I don't even know the words. Touching, perhaps? That sounds hokey. It means a whole fucking lot, at any rate. It's refreshing to regain some hope in humanity.. I'm a pretty jaded motherfucker. But there are genuine people out there... my superman cape just kept me from seeing them...

...a little bitter, but it's sweet...

In all things there must be balance... it's time to put the scale back on track.

Hell, I'm just happy to feel normal again.

whatever that means.

i'd take blind destiny over empty space.

bonne nuit mes amies.

j'taime.

courtesy; elizaveta/vedera.