the pretty reckless.

*DISCLAIMER: If you don't want to read one of my whiny, whiskey fueled rants I suggest against partaking of this particular journal entry. If you're game, then by all means. Go ahead and assume I am most likely blowing things out of proportion and/or exaggerating circumstances. I feel that this should be a given, but just in case you were unaware you have now been warned.. My feelings are hurt and I've been crying for two days. I am therefore allowed to write however I damn well please.

And, per usual, I have provided a soundtrack for the entry. 

Enjoy. Or don't. Whatevs.

i call bullshit, sir.

he regrets having no regrets
and his long nights on the outside
let, letting it slide slide
one more time
...
what do you want?
what do you want to know?
make a decision
it never feels like the right time to go
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
you think he's a liar
so save your sorrow
...
while you act like you are losing your mind
over whatever truth you find to be a lie
as he fades out of the room
into his mind
...
what do you want?
what do you want to know?
make a decision
it never feels like the right time to go
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
you think he's a liar
so save your sorrow
...
pick up the pieces of these words
shattered across the floor
with careful hands
you know these words are sharp
and you can read the blood
you can read the blood
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
...
it spells out everything about a man
who he is and where he's been
you watched his eyes ten thousand times
but you don't see
maybe you're wrong

Okay, so I'm fucking pissed. My feelings are hurt and when I'm sad or mopey I get pissy. And I already hate this time of year. Shall I list the multitude of reasons? yes, I think I shall. (I told you I was going to whine. You thought I was joking, didn't you?)

REASONS WHY ALY HATES DEC-FEB

• Dec 17, 2001: day I almost died and lost my sense of smell. I'm usually left with a feeling of "Why me?" when this day comes around. There are plenty of good people who have died for far better reasons and I did not ---and I'm not even a very good person.
• Christmas just sucks. No explanation necessary.
•  January 21, 2009: Keaton Allen Flood, one of my best good friends, wraps his baby blue Jeep around a light pole and dies on impact.
• January 28, 2010: Marc Parrone Jr., one of my good friends from high school dies from a suspected overdose. 
• January 30: my motherfucking birthday. 
• Feb 14: stupid bullshit corporate holiday that makes single people feel like shit

Please stop saying "Oh you can handle this, you've been through so much already and you're so strong". Fucking'a I am! I'm fucking awesome. (Just ask me, I'll tell you all about it.) Or my personal favorite. "He doesn't deserve a girl like you. He'll never find anyone like you..." blah blah blah. Guys want to fuck me, but they don't want to date me.

Anyway.

Just because I'm awesome doesn't mean I want to be all. the. fucking. time. Am I ever allowed to actually be vulnerable? Or am I just one of those people who just has to be a bad ass every second of every day?

Why is it so hard for people to be real anymore? Is it that hard? Have we gotten so far away from reality that we rely on our fucking internet boxes and mini-robots to communicate for us? If you can look someone in the eye and tell them that you care about them. If you can hold them while they're sleeping and tell them over and over again that you're not going anywhere then you can fucking look them in the eye and tell them when you don't want to be with them anymore. If you can get yourself into the situation then you can damn well get yourself out of it. (god, I sounded like my dad right there.)

My friend says that it's a typical thing these days. Not many people have the courage to do the stand up thing anymore. I call bullshit. Yes, it's hard to look someone in the eye and say "I don't want you anymore." Nobody likes to do it. It fucking sucks. But I think it's harder to look someone in the eye and say "I want to be with you, I care about you." That's open ended, they may not respond the way you want them to. You face possible rejection. Whereas when you're ending it, that's it. It doesn't really matter how they feel because you've already made up your mind right? There isn't any open ended option, it's just done...

if there's one thing i can't take
it's the sound that a woman makes
about 5 seconds after her heart begins to break

I've been referred to as a cold hearted bitch on more than one occasion because I can do this. I am not an asshole that enjoys hurting people, contrary to popular belief. I definitely do not enjoy it. But if I know it has to be done I at least owe it to that person to step up and do it the right way. Why do I have bigger balls than most of the guys I know? Just stop with the bullshit and be up front. How do we ever grow if we never know where we need to re-sow? You may be afraid to hurt their feelings, but you're being a truer person by being honest.

Just so you fucking know.

And this doesn't just apply to romantical type relationships, this is just some real life bullshit. Stop being so afraid to be real. I get told all the time that I'm different than most people. I'm interesting. "I've never met anyone like you before". You know why? Because I tell it like it fucking is. If you're fucking up I tell you. If you ask for my advice I give you my honest opinion. When you need me, I'm fucking there. I'm not afraid to belly laugh in public and make funny faces at babies in line at the grocery store. I listen to Katy Perry full blast and dance like no one's watching. I walk around naked on a regular basis. If you ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer. You want me? Here I fucking am.

if there's two things that i hate

it's havin' to cook and tryin' to date

bustin' ass all day to play hurry up and wait

that's a few things that i hate

I'm tired of sucking at relationships. I am the master of the dating game. But I suck at relationships. I know I'm terrified to commit, so when I really want to, you know that's a big deal. Why can't that matter? Why don't my feelings ever matter?? Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I'm invincible.




goddamnit.

















The composition of this entry was aided by one Mr. Johnnie Walker. Tomorrow is my day off and he knows I'm on winter break so he decided to come and visit for the evening. Wasn't that sweet of him?

Don't judge me. Just be glad I'm not drinking bourbon. This is truly a public service I'm doing for serious. Hell hath no fury like an Aly drunk on bourbon.





courtesy; minus.the.bear/jason.isbell.&.the.400.unit

poetical genius!

I have a new favorite phrase that I just developed. It is, if I may say, one of my better ones. From the mind that brought you such gems as "what's-her-bucket", "shwigga-mah-shwilly". and "think box" I bring you...





wait for it...

pussy gizmos.

That is all.

welcome to mcwalmart

Okay so you've read all about my problems with the instant gratification society we live in. So many of the social problems (hah, I had that final today) of the world are caused by this mindset. Ever read A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley? If not, do so.

Now my little rants do not, by any means, imply that I am not guilty of any of these things. We are a product of the socities we live in. The difference is that I'm aware of it. Unfortunately my personal influence is, at the best, minute. I'm not even sure my friends pay too much attention to what I'm saying when I go on about these things. It's kind of like when I start talking about the zombie apocalypse. I can talk about it for hours, so I'm pretty sure people start to tune me out after about 5 minutes hahaha.

Anyway.

Welcome to McWalmart.



So your kid's teacher complains that your child is disrupting the class and they think he has attention deficit disorder. You take him to the doctor and with a minimal examination Dr. Feel Good scribbles out a script. There's a pill for rambunctious little boys, didn't you know? Give him his pill and sit him down in front of the PS3. Then you can go off in your benzo induced haze and post stupid memes on Facebook.

NO!

Find activities for your child. Teach them how to entertain themselves! Maybe they're too smart for their own good and have a hard time paying attention because they're bored. You could be seriously limiting their potential for bigger and better things!

So you don't like the way you feel. It's uncomfortable. You're sad. You get anxious when life gets stressful. Your back hurts. Your heart is broken. There's a pill/drug (I'm talking the illegal kind) for that!

NO!

We are being groomed to expect a quick fix for any of our hurts. We aren't accepting the stages of grief in any shape or form, therefore when something happens that isn't controllable or outside our comfort zone we spazz out and want the doctor to give us something to fix it. Or we go to the city and find someone to sell us that happy feeling for 60 bucks a quarter gram.

Suck it up and learn how to deal with shit. Now I understand that there are some legit mental disorders that cause our moods to be uncontrollable. I'm bi-polar and I have medication. But all it does is stabilize my mood. It doesn't make me feel good or bad. It just makes it possible for me to function and make the decision for myself whether or not I want to be happy or sad, instead of letting my brain juice decide it for me.

My latest issue has been with obesity issues. Did you know if current trends continue

90% of Americans will be obese by 2030???

That's less than 20 years from now. SHAPE THE FUCK UP 'MERICA! Reality check time, the drive thru is not serving you real food. Frozen dinners are not real food. And you don't even realize it. And don't get me started on portion control...Your body is not receiving the nutrients it needs from the crap you are putting in it. And you wonder why you're fat and unhappy. The mind follows the body. If you aren't functioning at optimal level you just can't reach full potential. Sure, you function. But functioning is not really living.

With all that being said, here's an article I found while doing a social problems paper, and my response to it.

Pepsi's Fat-Fighting Soda: Too Good to Be True?

           Recently the Pepsi soda company has released an experimental beverage in Japan known as “Pepsi Special”. This drink contains dextrin which, according to the article and medical dictionary, is a fiber that is water soluable that helps regulate the digestive system.  The company claims that by adding this ingredient to their soda the beverage will “suppress the absorption of fat” thereby promising health benefits. The article goes on to discuss the fact that too much of dextrin is potentially harmful and that putting a label on a soda indicating health benefits can inadvertently cause more harm than good.

I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Consumers are constantly trying to find ways to be healthy without actually putting forth any effort. And in reality, there isn’t too much effort to it; you either want it or you don’t. If you truly want to be healthy you will find ways to do so. Looking for an easy fix in a soda product is assinine. To me that’s like trying to put a fire out with gasoline. People who are worried about being overweight or continuing to gain weight complicate simple solutions by looking for a quick fix.

In order to solve the problem of obesity throughout the world the focus needs to be brought back specifically to nutrition and steered away from complete profitability. Items that are usually considered unhealthy, soda, for example, should not be manipulated in such a way as to falsely advertise health benefits. Food is a basic necessity and therefore it will always sell. Companies are putting more effort into packaging and looking for ways to cut costs than actually providing nutritionally sound food. Instead of glamorizing junk food industries should encourage local farmers to grow pesticide free crops and buy from them, which will also stimulate the economy. Nutrition labels should also be clear and provide accurate health information. With a series of small changes and minimal effort by the majority of the population these changes can easily occur.

BAM. Problem solved.

You're welcome.

:D

Hahahaha. Yeah, right. If only it were that easy.

If only I really did have all the answers like I seem to think I do.

Anyway.

If you're interested in other facts on obesity trends in America, the CDC website is very informative and let me warn you, the percentages are scary. I may have posted this on the last blog I did about this topic, but here it is again in case you missed it the first time.

Obesity Trends in America

musical inclinations.

 existential aLy.

No written thoughts today, I put them into a playlist. 

'Cuz I'm a nerd like that.

 

Yeah, I used to make mix tapes too.

nov. 27, 2012

Diamond Rings; Deer Tick

Little Lion Man; Mumford & Sons

Home; Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes

Desert Song; Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes

Meant; Elizaveta

Little Green; Joni Mitchell

The Warmth; Incubus

Bella Donna; The Avett Brothers

Raw Sugar; Metric

Lover's Lie; Vedera

Excuses; Minus the Bear

Whiter Shade of Pale; Procol Harum

Me & My Charms; Kristin Hersch

Million Dollar Bill; Middle Brother

The Rainbow; The Apples In Stereo
Please Pardon Yourself; The Avett Brothers
Cameras; Matt & Kim
Swept Away; The Avett Brothers

can i get a large fry with that?



Remember how I made the Facebook post about how I went on a 3 page mini-rant about obesity in America and all that? Well, here's the paper. Let me start you off with some interesting statistics though.

As of August 13, 2012...

• more than one-third of U.S. adults (that would be 35.7%) are obese
• obesity related conditions include heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, and certain types of cancer which are some of the leading causes of PREVENTABLE death
• higher income women are less likely to be obese than low-income women
• there is no significant relationship between obesity and education among men
• among women it is found that women with college degrees are less likely to be obese compared with less educated women (GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL!)
• between 1988-2008 the prevalence of obesity increased in adults at all income levels
• The Healthy People of 2010 goals of 15% obesity among adults and 5% obesity among children WERE NOT MET!
• THE UNITED STATES IS THE MOST OBESE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD with 30.6% of the population considered obese. We are followed by Mexico at 24.2%. That's a 6.4% difference--WHAT THE FUCK 'MERICA?!
  
  *information provided by the CDC website

Can I Get A Large Fry With That?

            According to statistics the United States is the world’s leader in incidents of obesity. (“Obesity-Statistics”). The Center for Disease Control states that at least one-third of Americans are considered overweight. (“Adult Obesity”). With numbers like those the issue is definitely a serious social problem. Especially when we take into account the health risks associated with the condition.
            This state of being, in my opinion, is ridiculous and logically should not be such a problem. With the technology we have and the resources at our disposal all Americans should have access to wholesome and nutritional food. Not only that, but the statistics and educational information are out there. I typed ‘obesity’ into Google and immediately found legitimate, easy to understand sources explaining the prevelance and how to eat healthier and what to avoid. With the information at our fingertips, the continuing existence of such a problem is truly sad.
            As a country we have become so lazy and complacent that we don’t even take the time to consider what we are putting into our bodies. We are raising our children in a culture of instant gratification. We live in an “I want it, I want it now” society. The population is being brainwashed by fancy packaging, manipulative advertising, and ambiguous nutritional information.
            With the introduction of genetically modified seeds in 1996 (“Cultivation of GM Plants”). Americans have begun to disregard the natural laws in order to alter organisms to our advantage. I don’t see how this can end well. In nature there is a specific reason plants grow the way they do. Otherwise, they would stay in season year round, or naturally repel insects, or grow to the immense sizes they do today on their own. Who are we to interfere with that? What kind of consequences will this eventually create? And as a poor college student consumer in a small town I unfortunately eat my fair share of preservative, sodium, high fructose corn syrup packed ‘food.’
            With the general inaccesability and high price of organic food in most parts of the country it really is no wonder such a large percentage of Americans are obese. Even with increased availability of healthier, natural options, I don’t know that there would be many who take advantage of them. Our lifestyles encourage the consumption of quick, ready made food because of the fast paced world we live in. This also discourages regular exercise as well, as most Americans work long hours and lead stressful lives. They would rather unwind in front of the TV with a frozen dinner and beer on their day off than go running and come home, prep a meal and wait for it to cook.
            Unfortunately, in writing this I realize the hypocrisy in a lot of my statements as I’m definitely a statistic in a lot of the consumer situations. Although I feel I at least make some effort most of the time, I’m still a participant in the instant gratification society we live in. Maybe if everyone did this, at least put forth a little more effort and concern into their nutrition trends would change. Also, if the food industrty concerned itself less with profits and more with health issues, maybe the obesity rates would decline. The industry could change focus to healthier foods and not lose money if they use the same clever advertising for the good stuff as opposed to the junk. And besides, with all the fatal health conditions caused by being overweight they’re losing a target consumer everytime one of them dies. Isn’t that counter productive? Food for thought.

it is in the small things we see it.



Sometimes, if I think about my life all at once I get crazy overwhelmed.

 But if I look at it on a day to day basis I think

hey- not too shabby for a lying, conniving junkie.

if i know only one thing,

it's that everything that i see of the world outside is so inconceivable often i barely can speak

yeah, i'm tongue tied and dizzy and i can't keep it to myself

what good is it to sing helplessness blues,

why should i wait for anyone else?

I've finally found appreciation for the little things, something I think is important for a full life. It's taken me pretty much my entire life up until this point to reach this level, and I'm kinda pumped about it. It's the little things in life that make me happy. Those seemingly irrelevant instances and tiny moments that we, in the chaos we call life, fail to notice. Now I am by no means a happiness expert. Dear god, no. I kinda suck at it, most of the time. The term I usually use to describe myself is melancholic misanthrope. I wish on stars and my heart breaks when they don't come true. I wait for prince charming to save me from the dark then stab him in the back because I'm afraid of him more than the darkness.

La Belle Dames San Merci; Waterhouse*

translation: the beautiful woman without mercy

Why? Iono. Beats me, just part of the 'Aly' job description I guess. But, never fear, this is not an all the time state of being, just kind of an undercurrent. I prefer to think of it as artistic. Anyway. I'm wandering away from the point. My point being here is that I can still retain this quintessential 'Alyness' that is me without being a total buzzkill. And so can you. Do I really have to say it? We create our own realities, so if you want to take some time for yourself, if you want to decompress a bit and 'stop and smell the roses' as it were, you should. You'll find life a lot easier to deal with.

It's nice being able to declare that you're happy. In my soc class we were having a discussion about health, which of course includes mental health, and my teacher asked us who considers themselves actually happy, and who thinks they truly love themselves. Now there's a concept. Can you honestly say that you're pleased with yourself? With your life? Don't those things go hand in hand? And if you don't, if you aren't, what are you going to do to change it? Or are you just one of those people that accepts it and play the victim. From what I've seen, most people don't even realize they aren't happy. But you can hear it when they speak, see it in their eyes when they try to avoid eye contact. They open their mouths and words come out, but they're not really saying anything. Ever noticed that most of the time when you make direct eye contact with someone, or try to, it makes them nervous? You're stating your confidence without words and since so many of us (myself included) generally lack such confidence we back down. It's asserting dominance in actuality.

what is happiness to you, david?

I'm happy just being me. Not because someone else is creating a euphoric reaction from me... I'm just happy with myself. Don't get me wrong, it's a bonus. It's more a "it's nice to have you here, it's nice to know you think about me the same way I think about you." But for once, I 'm not bitching about something! YAY. I'm not going on about love, I'm not speculating on my fuck buddies, or being lonely. And I'm most definitely notgoing on a whiny rampage about how my life sucks, I'm miserable, I'm tired of being alone, I miss this, I miss that... wah. wah. fucking wah.You get the idea.

I'm happy.

Girls, seriously, take a moment and think about all those little things you probably don't notice because you're so busy being batshit crazy. Or too busy making such a big deal of stupid shit, like whether or not he gets to go spend a day at the boat with his boys, for example... that you forget to appreciate the little things... Like when a guy opens the door for you, or puts your socks on for you while you're getting dressed. When he gives you a back rub after you've had a long day at work and school. Leaving notes on the night stand if they leave before you so you wake up smiling and thinking of them. Surprising you at work with lunch. Bringing tampons to you at work because you started your period and didn't have any in your purse. Going to the store and buying you shampoo because he noticed you were out. Sitting and watching Gone with the Wind with you even though he hates chick fliks, even more than he hates old movies. Foot rubs. Especially when he takes your shoes and socks off for you and does it without you have to ask for it. Cuddling on the couch after work. When he comes up and puts his arms around you while you're doing the dishes. Spontaneous sex in the kitchen while you're cooking dinner. Telling you stories before bed because you asked him to. When he doesn't make fun of you because you can't sleep without your teddy bear. Coming to tuck you in if you go to sleep before him. Making playlists dedicated to you. Making sure to kiss you goodbye before he walks out the door. Letting you whine about petty shit because you don't want to talk about what's really bothering you.. Then still listening when you get to the tears... As you can see, I could go on with this for awhile. Maybe my own ideas of romanticism are cheesy too, but I find that it's the little things that make me smile the most.

I don't really have anything for guys here. This seems a bit romantic-y to throw into the middle of this entry, and in fact, I stole a lot of it from last years Valentine's Day post, but I've been watching black and white movies and listening to break up songs again, so I decided it needed to somehow be incorporated. I've also noticed a reoccurring trend amongst couples lately. In this, that is relationship stuff, I'm not expert either. But maybe it's my horrible track record that gives me insight into what not to do to make a relationship work, less than what makes them succeed. Sooo... yeah. Pay the fuck attention.

Anyway.

 Moving forward.

I'm happy. In a simple way. I have a job, a roof over my head, a car, my education, and I'm surrounded by bad ass motherfuckers. The friends I have are legit, they aren't just using me for my car, money, or couch. I've got this big family that's pretty awesome (if not a bit on the eccentric side). I have a boyfriend I adore, and a comfortable bed to sleep in. I get to park in a garage for the first time in my entire life and even have a clicker. I'm finally close to both my mom AND dad (even though he's a crazy motherfucker) and I have direction. DIRECTION, I SAY. I hope I'm not jinxing myself here (knock on wood, tap on glass) but I just wanted to document this moment, for once. So someday, when I'm not having such a good day, when life sucks and I hate it and I can't remember why I want to live this way or why I want to keep working so hard... I can look back on this and remember. Hey, life is good.

 Play the tape till the end.

This is your movie.




 

courtesy; fleet.foxes/vanilla.sky

*This is my absolute FAVORITE painting, for those of you that have been to any of my homes, you'll recognize it. I have a copy of it that I always have hanging. It's actually based on a poem by John Keats, which you can read here if you are so inclined.

i meant what i said, and i said what i meant.

 

 

take a glorious bite of the whole world.

 

 

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

 

--Ellen Bass

 

     

I can't sleep, so I sit on the couch and watch black and white movies and listen to break up songs. Why? No idea. I have a twisted thing for sad break up songs... Oh, and of course, I tap, tap, tap away at this stupid thing. Since I spend so much time in my head, dreaming, thinking, hamster-wheeling... I've been randomly looking more and more into what dreams are supposed to mean and how much credibility we should realistically give them. There's so much ambiguity and differing opinions. Some people go all Freudian and say they are the key to the unconscious mind. Some only that we should pay attention to them because they may give us clues into how we shape our reality and things we may not notice in our waking selves. So, in essence, giving light into our subconscious, but allowing for more error. From what I can ascertain from the abundance of sources I've perused... most basic dream meanings are universal. Like the one where you're running and running and you know if you get caught it's game over. Or where you show up to school with no pants on or you're free falling and just know you're about to hit the ground. All those are supposed to symbolize feelings of vulnerability and loss of control.

 

Reoccuring nightmares usually seem pretty obvious. Things that hide in the back of your mind and wait to mess with you once you've closed your eyes. where you go, i go. what you see, i see. Maybe they're all full of shit. Maybe we just make it more complicated than it really needs to be. Perhaps dreams really are just random smatterings of the gibberish that goes on in our heads. Did you know you can't dream about a face you've never seen? Even when you have dreams about a perfect stranger, someone you swear you've never met, you've seen their face somewhere before. Maybe you stood behind them in line at Walmart or walked passed them in the hallway at school. Weird isn't it, imagining that some random person you may have only encountered for 2 seconds can make their way into your head for a night. I can't decide if that's cool, or creepy.

 

 

 

don't think, just do.

courtesy; adele/snow.patrol