tangerine

I like to listen to Zeppelin in the morning while I drink my coffee, usually this song first, and there's been a lot of times it's pulled me out of a funk. And there's just something magical about Robert Plant's voice y'know? Granted, I probably think this because my mom is kind of obsessed with him so I was raised to think that. I'd love to nerd out here and break this down from a behavioral analysis point of view and how I was repeatedly reinforced for showing enjoyment and engagement with his music over the years. That's why kids tend to like a lot of what their parents do. Kids learn through imitation right? So when a parent shows a preference for something or demonstrates a certain point of view, the child will likely imitate it. When the child imitates something the parent enjoys the parent reinforces that. And the reinforcer could be in so many forms. Maybe a smile, a hug, a dance party, or maybe the parent provides more attention to the child when the child appears to enjoy the music and remains engaged. Sooo as the kid ages and they begin to exhibits a certain perspective or preference and the parent praises them for it, that shapes how they think. This is nerdy and I'm not an expert by any means, but I am educated in principles of behavior analysis and have been in the field for 3 years, so. Take from that what you will.

can we just go back to 1984?

when we were all once kids and kids' dreams

can we just go back to what we had before?

just like in the movies, oh yeah

I did a thing the other day. I bit the bullet and made a video of myself telling my story and posted it on the ole fb and instagrma (hashtagistillsuckatinstagram). Then I couldn't stop re-watching it. It was so insanely cathartic and the more I watched it the better I felt? And I started noticing things about myself that I hadn't seen in a long time. I looked...young. Maybe it was the vulnerability, the honest. I'm about to sound cliche, but I reached down deep inside (I giggled typing that) and found the young Aly that didn't give a fuck and had a voice. Perhaps that's why I looked younger; I was channeling that version. And I am a good story teller and am well spoken when I want to be. And feeling confident.

So I have this idea in my head about how I want my book to be, and I really think I can do it. Oh man. How cool would it be if I published a book? I always said I would. But I never finish anything I start. Like all those short stories. Not to toot my own horn, but those are good. I know they're good. Some of that is the best shit I've ever written. AND i DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANNEL THAT VERSION AGAIN. Well, I might. I wrote some of my best shit when I was drunkkk. whisky is my muse It's so easy for me to write about sad shit though. Or graphically real shit. I struggle with the fun, faerie story aspect of writing. When I was young I could do it. Maybe age and experience broke that part of me. Or it just went away after years of disuse. I have this one that... oh man if I could remember the storyline it would be so bad ass. I think I was reading A Wrinkle in Time when I started it, maybe I should try that reverse sense memory retrieval thingamagoo and read it. It's a good book, I wouldn't mind a revisit anyway.

I know no one is going to read it (even though it's out in the ether, so I guess there's a chance some keyword shows up on the 4th page of a google search and some hapless soul stumbles upon my ramblings. Yknow what would help trigger my writing skills... reading. I tend to absorb the writing style of whomever I'm reading. Note: I should start reading Steinbeck again. and O. Henry. If I could have a combination of those two authors I'd be jazzed about it. With a dash of e.e. cummings in there too, of course. Yep, that's my style. Or at least life goal style. If Steinbeck + O. Henry + e.e. cummings had a baby that's the type of author I'd like to be.

Oopsie doodle, forgot to finish this. Still gonna post it.

courtsey; siamese.youth/

i'm not as brave as i'm letting on to be

...no one told you it wouldn't be enough

.

we were the monsters and fire-breathers

we were the quiet sunrise-leavers

you were a good girl, what could I do?

I was a lost boy when I met you

hold me 'til I'm not lonely anymore

it's only the crashin' of the ocean to the shore

'cause in the dark there are no strangers

there are no strangers at all

'cause in the dark there are no strangers

there are no strangers at all

I was a lost boy when I met you

 I last wrote a word in this blog over 10 years ago. I frequently forget it exists, but then I hear a song or think of a thought that triggers the memory and I google it. Damn... I was good. (I am good?) Reading my own work has always been calming for me, mostly because once it's on paper it isn't me anymore, it's the character on the page. When I go back and read things I often find myself wondering who it was that wrote it. What version of me, what inner personality. I've read that some people have internal systems and alters that they swap in and out on purpose to cope with situations. (Note: I spent all of 12.5 minutes reading on this, take the information with a grain of salt) From what I understand it's like multiple personality disorder, or whatever it's called now, I last consulted my DSM-VI(?) a while ago. Anywho, it's like that but on purpose. The participant is more away, maybe like lucid dreaming? I don't know, must read more. I like the concept though. We discussed something similar during therapy going to therapy is cool. For instance, when going someplace or doing something that makes me anxious "put on another hat" and play pretend like someone else. This thought entices me and it may be something I try in the future. Lately, I've been categorizing things in my brain for different parts of me to handle, and I've built my mind palace into some place I like to visit. I imagine it is similar to a video game like Animal Crossing or Star Dew Valley. It's my peaceful cottage in the woods, next to a river. I grow things and make medicine and music and whisky and I'm barefoot in the sun and I can do all the things I wish I had the knowledge, strength, or courage to do in the real world. Is this healthy? I'm not sure. There's a fine line between avoidance and escape and compartmentalizing in a way where coping is possible. I almost said easy, but coping is never easy. Less painful or difficult, sure. Easy? Nah. 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by brushing the dust off this bad boy and putting myself out there again. This blog was a record of my self-discovery at the end of my 20s and was where I kept a record of an important chapter in my life. Then... Life happened and I stopped writing. I fought a whole new pack of battles without my best armor; my pen. Or keyboard. (Wow how nerdy do I sound?) But for serious. Writing was always my escape and how I got all those big feelings out that I didn't know what else to do with. I think know that I was ashamed. Am ashamed. I went out of the frying pan into the fire with that whole deal. Or I could frame it as I had more battles to fight and lessons to learn before I could move on to the next chapter in my life. I don't know how it keeps happening, but I keep surviving all this fucked up shit and I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea why. Or how. Thinking about it sends me into an existential crisis when I think about the nature of reality and how this intertwines with spirituality and that there is undeniably a force out there beyond ourselves and I don't know how to explain it other than I know. I just know. I can feel it inside my bones. Carl Sagan said, 

the cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. 
We are a way for the universe to know itself.

and that star stuff, that universe component is the magic. The ghost in the machine. The love. The energy. The...essence...of life...? That one sounds cheesy. It's a conglomeration of all those things and more. Because within that essence of life, there must be a balancing force of darkness and anger and frustration and confusion. Otherwise, we can't appreciate the positive. Without negative there can't be a positive. Without dark there can be no light. Without love there can be no hate. Without sweet, there can be no sour. (Or wait, can there? That one isn't as dichotic there are other flavor options. Okay, scratch that one.) This is why change is inevitable and necessary; if everything stayed the same we'd never learn or really live. (Note: Read The Giver).  

As someone who has been through two verifiable, several probable, and a few maybe near-death experiences in addition to a lifetime of questionable choices has led me to carry a hefty satchel of emotional damage and overall wackiness. Recently I've started having visceral flashbacks of my car wreck and the first few nights in the hospital. It has been suggested to me that when these sorts of thoughts pop up I should imagine writing them on a slip of paper and putting them into a jar to be dealt with when I have the bandwidth. I didn't expect it to work, because I am a hypocrite and typically think that the therapeutic techniques I teach my clients won't work on me, but it has been. I might even be ready to write about it. Soon. Maybe not today, or at least not right now. I don't know that I want to go to that place at the moment. I've been listening to some old-school sad-ish music, but I like it. It doesn't make it worse, it's almost cathartic. Thinking back about how I would drink a fifth of whisky in a night and listen to all these songs and cry and chain smoke. Now when I listen to them I can taste the despair I felt in those moments. I can bring to mind the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest and being punched in the guts and sobbing and sobbing and sinking deeper into the bottle. 

I love that that's not me anymore. I love that I can say, with confidence that I haven't been trashed since July. That the last drink I had was sips out of my husband's beer can while we made Thanksgiving dinner together. I'm trying to think of when I started using alcohol as a coping skill. It wasn't in the beginning. In the beginning, I was a stoner who got drunk sometimes. Was it when she got pregnant and he left? The more I think about it and travel back through my trauma (aka Geoff) I think that's it. I cried about that the other day for the first time in over 20 years. I don't know if it's because I've experienced another life-altering trauma like the one we went through together and it's bringing up all those old feelings. It was an intense experience that I was not altogether prepared for. And it wasn't just a crying jag at a few romantic memories. No, it was like a re-living of the entire relationship from start to finish and the rollercoaster of emotions that went along with it. So naturally, after going through the entire relationship again when it came time for us to break up it was like it had just happened. Isn't it crazy how the mind works like that? And all the memories are so fucking vivid. Driving down his street, pulling into the driveway. The front porch and the tree in front. His brother and sister playing in the front yard and following me outside to wave me off as I headed home. Slow dancing in my headlights in the snow in the driveway one cold December night. My whole life has changed, since you came in, I knew back then...

In therapy, they talk about how when you start to unlock trauma it's like all the emotions and memories have been trapped in a chest and shoved in the bottom back corner of your brain and you've suddenly opened that chest and they all come flooding out. My life has changed irrevocably. I mean...

I almost fucking died.

That's hard for me to talk about. I downplay things like this because it's easier for other people to interact with me if I don't take it seriously. They don't know how to deal with someone hurting in a way internally that is difficult to communicate with someone who hasn't experienced it. And then there's the comparison game. Anything you can do, I can do better. 

"Well Joan broke both legs and went back to work in 6 weeks." 

"Tina is always so happy and together, she never sits in the dark and cries for hours." 

"Josh was walking after a month."

"People will think I'm being vain if I tell them|the scars on my arm and leg make me cry.
 It's only cosmetic after all, I could've died. I shouldn't care."

and I will raise my hand up into the nighttime sky
and count the stars that's shining in your eye
and just to dig it all and not to wonder, that's just right
and I'll be satisfied not to read in between the lines

/end.

courtesy; stand.atlantic/lucero/ginuwine/the.midnight/van.morrison

Disability Survey

This information will help me graphically represent the different social influences visible vs invisible disabilities have on both individual and public perceptions.

Please take this survey three times. The first time take it as you are now. The second pretend you are a person with a stutter. And the third, as if you are a paraplegic. 

Give yourself a point for every statement you can answer 'yes' to. Add up the points and keep a separate total for each trial. 

1ST: As you are now

2ND: As a person with a mild to severe stutter

3RD: As a quadriplegic

1. I can arrange to be in the company of people of my level of ability most of the time and with relative ease.

2 If I should need to move my residence, I can be pretty sure of renting a house or apartment that will accommodate me physically.

3. I can be pretty sure that my new neighbors will be neutral or pleasant to me.

4. I can turn on the tv or open the newspaper and see people of similar ability to me widely represented.

5. I am familiar with the history of people similar to me in my ability.

6. I can be pretty sure of my ability to have my voice heard in a group in which I am the only person with my level of ability.

7. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my level of ability.

8. I can be assured that my shape, bearing, or body odor will not be taken as a reflection on my ability level.

9. My culture will not penalize me for being oblivious to the problems of people with less ability than myself.

10. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to speak to the “person in charge” that I will be facing a person of my level of ability.

11. I can easily buy posters, postcards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys, and children’s magazines featuring people of my level of ability.

12. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling connected to the others in the group rather than isolated, out of place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, or feared.

13. I can be pretty sure of finding people of similar ability who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.

14. I can think over many options (social, political, imaginative, or professional) without asking whether a person of my level of ability would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.

15. I can choose to go to a public place without fearing that people fo my ability cannot have access.

16. I can go to a friend’s house without worrying about being able to get in or get around to essential inside areas (i.e. bathrooms)

17. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejecting due to my level of ability.

18. If I have low credibility as a leader, I can be assured it has nothing to do with my level of ability.

19. If I need something done differently than normal at school or work, I can be assured that the process of change will be sooth and without any difficulty.

20. I will feel welcomed and “normal” in the usual walks of public life, institutional, and social.

21. I can be assured that if I need legal or medical help, my ability level will not work against me.

22. I am never asked to speak for all people of my ability group.

23. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my ability level.​

Please email me (alydhampton@gmail.com)

fbook, or text me your responses ASAP.

Thanks for helping me out,

 I very much appreciate it!!

aLydanceparty! WINTER IS COMING

HOLY TITS BATMAN!

It has been entirely, ENTIRELY, too long since I have put anything on here. Whether it be, aLydanceparty! mixes or just some sort of entry... I need to work on that. I've got a couple of papers I want to get on here actually, they just need to be tweaked a bit to sound less... school-y and more real Aly-y...(?)

Life is... good. Life is different. Change is upon us once more... and it's scaring the hell out of me. But it's cool, I'm awesome. I've totally got this shit. wOot.

Check out this aLydanceparty! edition, and check back soon for updates... I fo'realz will be getting back on here more. 

Honest injun.

FICUS.

Dig; Incubus

...so when weakness turns my ego up, i know you'll count on the me from yesterday. if i turn into another, dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me, sing this song. remind me that we'll always have each other, when everything else is gone...

Wonderwall; Oasis

...i said maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me...

Bitter Sweet Symphony; The Verve

...i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now. but the airways are clean, and there's nobody singing to me now...

Make Me Proud; Drake

...everything's adding up, you've been through hell and back, that's why you're bad as fuck...

Stay; Florida Georgia Line

...i'd sell my soul just to see your face, and i'd break my bones just to heal your pain. in these times i need a saving grace, but time is runnin' out and i'm startin' to lose my faith. but if i told you i loved you, would it make you wanna stay? i'm sorry for the way i hurt you and makin' you walk away. and if i wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday would it ever be enough to make you come back home and stay?...

Sympathy;  Goo Goo Dolls

...stranger than your sympathy and this is my apology, i killed myself from the inside out and all my fears have pushed you out. and i wished for things that i don't need, and what i chased won't set me free...

Broken; Seether feat Amy Lee

...cuz i'm broken when i'm open, and i don't feel like i am strong enough. 'cuz i'm broken when i'm lonesome, and i don't feel right when you're gone away...

Bound for the Floor; Local H

...and you just don't get it, you keep it copacetic, and you learn to accept it...

Low; Cracker

...sometimes i go and walk the street behind the green sheet of glass, a million miles below their feet....

She Ain't Right; Lee Brice

...she got her daddy's tongue and temper, sometimes her mouth could use a filter, God shook His head the day he built her, but i bet He smiled...

Name; Goo Goo Dolls

...don't make you sad to know that life is more than who we are? you grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe. re-runs all become our history... i think about you all the time, but i don't need to sing. it's lonely where you are, come back down and i won't tell 'em your name...

Iris; Goo Goo Dolls

...and i'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause i know that you feel me somehow. you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be and i don't wanna go home right now. and all i can taste is this moment, and all i can breathe is your life. when sooner or later it's over i just don't wanna miss you tonight. and i don't want the world to see me, 'cause i don't think that they'd understand...

Crazy Girl; Eli Young Band

...crazy girl don't you know that i love you, and i ain't ever goin' no where. silly woman, come here let me hold you...

Best I Ever Had; Drake

...baby you my everything, you all i ever wanted. we could do it real big, bigger than you ever done it... i want this forever i swear i can spend whatever on it... and i say the same thing every single time, i say you the fuckin' best, you the fuckin' best, the best i ever had...

Tumbleweeds; Cady Wire

...she said make me come you sweet fucker, make it last...

Howlin' for You; The Black Keys

...i must admit, i can't explain any of these thoughts racin' through my brain, it's true, but baby i'm howlin' for you....

What You Want; John Butler Trio

...but i could fly away, or i could be no one. and you could be the sunshine falling over the mountains...

aLydanceparty! comeback

It occurs to me that it has literally been MONTHS since I've had one of these. 

So, without further ado...

the comeback king.

Lover, Lover; Jerrod Niemann

i know you used to love me, but that was yesterday 

oh lover, lover, lover you don't treat me no good no more

Hungover and Horny; Diamond Rugs

...last night i went lookin' for fun, took it just a little too far...

Blurred Lines; Robin Thicke

...okay now he was close, tried to domesticate ya, but you're an animal, let me liberate ya...

Call Me Maybe

...hey, i just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number- so call me maybe?...

Runnin' Out of Moonlight; Randy Houser

...don't you worry 'bout gettin' fixed up, when you wake up you're pretty enough...

Jet Airliner; Steve Miller Band

...you know you've got to go through hell before you get to heaven...

Young Lust; Pink Floyd

...will someone in this desert land make me feel like a real man? take this rock 'n' roll refugee, oo bang set me free...

Limelight; Rush

...one must put up barriers to keep oneself intact...
...all the world's indeed a stage and we are merely players, performers and portrayers... each another's audience inside the gilded cage...

Mississippi Halfstep Toodeloo; The Grateful Dead

...hello baby i'm gone, goodbye. half a cup of rock 'n rye...
...if all you've got to live for is what you left behind, get yourself a powder charge and seal that silver mine, lost my boots in transit babe, pile of smokin' leather... nailed a retread to my feet and prayed for better weather...

Hard to Handle; The Black Crowes

...i can give you what you want, but you got to come home with me...

Hard to Love; Lee Brice

...i am insensitive, i have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that i need...
...i am a short fuse, i am a wrecking ball...

Author's Note: I just spent 15 minutes folding my underwear.

You Could Be Happy; Snow Patrol

...and all the things that i wish i had not said are played in loops till it's madness in my head, is it too late to remind you how we were?...
...you could be happy, i hope you are...

Kiss Me Deadly; Lita Ford

...i went to a party last saturday night, i didn't get laid, i got in a fight uh huh, it ain't no big thing...

Orion; Elizaveta

...i wanna kiss you, but i let it slip away. i know i never told you, i should have done it then. i could've tried to hold you, instead i turned to run. did you know that i was dying?...

...i hope you miss me too...

Comes A Time; The Grateful Dead

...comes a time when the blind man takes your hand, says don't you see? gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe. don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill...

...only love can fill...

All My Friends; LCD Soundystem

...i wouldn't change one stupid decision for another five years of life...

Kodachrome; Paul Simon

...when i think back on all the crap i learned in high school it's a wonder i can think at all...

Paul Revere; Beastie Boys
...i did it like this, i did it like that, i did it with a whiffle ball bat...

Mama's Broken Heart; Miranda Lambert
...go and fix your makeup girl it's just a break up go and hide your crazy and start actin' like a better cuz i raised you better, gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart...

...can't get revenge and keep a spotless reputation. sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make...

Howlin' For You; The Black Keys
...i must admit, i can't explain any of these thoughts runnin' through my brain, it's true... baby i'm howlin' for you...

Supermassive Black Hole; Muse
...i thought i was a fool for no one, oo baby i'm a fool for you...

Lovely Day; Donovan Frankenreiter
...bein' out in the open air, livin' life like we just don't care, just doin' what we want to do, not doin' what we're supposed to... it's gonna be a lovely day...

Runnin' With a Gun; Slightly Stoopid
...

Dreamer; Elizaveta
...i believe in faerie tales and serendipitous encounters... 
...leave your fear of love behind, let your dreaming be your guide. if you seek then you shall find...
...torn and tattered from the fall and waiting to rise up again, and i can feel it in my blood i hold the future in my hand...

Get Your Shine On; Florida Georgia Line
...i sparkle when she smiles...

Boys 'Round Here; Blake Shelton ft. Pistol Annies
...ain't a damn one know how to do the Dougie...

Stagger Lee; The Grateful Dead
...as Stagger Lee lit a cigarette she shot him in the balls, blew the smoke off her revolver, had him dragged to city hall...

Up On Cripple Creek; The Band
...a drunkards dream if i ever did see one...

What Was I Thinkin'; Dierks Bentley
...

Crazy Girl; Eli Young Band
...crazy girl don't you know that i love you?

In a Big Country; moe.
...just because it happened doesn't mean you've been discarded...

Cruise; Florida Georgia Line
...baby you're a song you make me wanna roll the windows down and cruise...

Crash My Party; Luke Bryan
...if it's 2 in the morning and you're feeling lonely, and wondering what i'm doing go ahead and call me, call me, call me...

Perfect; P!nk
...dug my way out, blood and fire. bad decisions, that's all right...

i'm finna get existential on yo'ass

baby don't you know, people come and go?

I haven't written in awhile and I'm having difficulty getting started... But I feel like it's something I need to do. Anytime I'm feeling down or confused or, well, anything really, going back and reading shit I've written in the past always makes me feel better. Then it makes me want to write more, because I'm constantly surprised at what I manage to express in my ramblings. Each time I read something I write I'm always left wondering if it was actually me that wrote it. Perhaps that sounds a bit egotistical or whatever because I'm impressed by my own writing, but it's probably the one thing I care about most in the world and the fact that I do it moderately well is a comfort.

What do I want to rant/ramble about this evening, you ask? Not sure yet. Definitely not any of my relationship-ary shenanigans or an educational rant on some random topic ranging from drug addiction to GMO's and obesity in 'Merica. A solid research entry would do my brain some good, but lately I just haven't felt like plugging it in. Having all this free time off from school has sent me into this weird... in between place. My direction is skewed, I've lost focus. I needed it though, the pressure I put on myself is so intense my brain would probably explode if I didn't find some sort of release.

Except given this free time and allowance for mind wanderings freaks me out, honestly. My brain latches onto and fixates on arbitrary concerns that shouldn't mean anything, but do. It's that whole "I'm an asshole, but I don't always mean/want to be" complex I have. Things either don't matter at all, or matter way too much. For some reason, I find it difficult to find a comfortable in between in anything that I undertake. I either epically succeed, or epically fail. Perhaps this is part of the human condition, I know I can't be the only one. There should be meetings for over achievers...

Hello, my name is Aly and I'm an over achiever. 

Man, I don't even think this entry is coherent on any level, I'm just siphoning out excess brain goo...

Do you know what you want out of life? 

Truly? 

Do you know your purpose, or if you even have one? 

Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I'm not exactly sure. I know I have some sort of purpose or I wouldn't have gone through everything I have and still be alive, but what the fuck it is I have no idea. Maybe I'm an example of what not to do with your life. I mean, all other bullshit aside, I'm almost 30 years old and I live with my grandparents for fucks sake, and I'm just now finishing up my associates degree, when I should be working on my masters. Bah. There are worse things I suppose. I could be almost 30 and living in a trashy apartment with a couple kids and a dead beat boyfriend. That would definitely be worse... 

Thank god for small favors.

Are you comfortable in your own skin?

Are you really you?

Do you even know who that is?

As often as I find myself I tend to lose her the next day. I wake up knowing myself, and go to bed wondering if I did it right. When I go back and read these entries and think about the place I was in life when I wrote them I wonder how I got to where I am right at this moment. Was it intentional? Accidental? Is it part of some grand plan? (it's the ciiiiiiircccclllleeee of liiiiiiffeeeeee) The changes happening around me, influenced by the decisions I've been making have brought out yet another Aly-facet.

people don't change,

their situations do.

So here I am, on yet a different path towards some eventual goal, even though I'm not sure it will make me happy in the end. But that's what we're all here for, isn't it? Some of us have goals and life plans, some of us play it by ear. Which is right? Who the fuck knows. By the time we get to the end of the game, it doesn't even matter anymore. Even if you win at the game of life, you still die in the end. Life is so short... I feel we should be embracing more than what's tangible and disregarding all the bullshit that won't even matter 20 years from now... but the way society is, it's virtually impossible.

What is happiness to you, David?*

happiness: n. obsolete: good fortune: prosperity

a. a state of well-being and contentment

b. a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Thank you Merriam-Webster Dictionary for giving such a fabulously vague and inadequate explanation of such an important word. A pleasurable or satisfying experience? So an orgasm is happiness? It is both pleasurable and satisfying, but I definitely don't equate it with true happiness. Do I know what truly makes me happy? I'd like to say yes, but as I'm typing this my mind just blanked... I know it's the little things. Like memories of my little brother learning how to walk and talk. Dancing barefoot in the grass. Being held by someone who actually cares about me. The feeling I get when I listen to live music...

Bah. I still don't know that those are accurate. I'm thinking that happiness isn't something that can actually be put into words, it's just something that has to be experienced. Although I think some people experience happiness and are just too blind to see it...

Hm.

some people look strange

some people look deranged

some people are just lookin' through you

so when you look at me

i wonder who you see now,

who i am to you

*Vanilla Sky reference

courtesy; the.apples.in.stereo.