I haven't written in awhile and I'm having difficulty getting started... But I feel like it's something I need to do. Anytime I'm feeling down or confused or, well, anything really, going back and reading shit I've written in the past always makes me feel better. Then it makes me want to write more, because I'm constantly surprised at what I manage to express in my ramblings. Each time I read something I write I'm always left wondering if it was actually me that wrote it. Perhaps that sounds a bit egotistical or whatever because I'm impressed by my own writing, but it's probably the one thing I care about most in the world and the fact that I do it moderately well is a comfort.
What do I want to rant/ramble about this evening, you ask? Not sure yet. Definitely not any of my relationship-ary shenanigans or an educational rant on some random topic ranging from drug addiction to GMO's and obesity in 'Merica. A solid research entry would do my brain some good, but lately I just haven't felt like plugging it in. Having all this free time off from school has sent me into this weird... in between place. My direction is skewed, I've lost focus. I needed it though, the pressure I put on myself is so intense my brain would probably explode if I didn't find some sort of release.
Except given this free time and allowance for mind wanderings freaks me out, honestly. My brain latches onto and fixates on arbitrary concerns that shouldn't mean anything, but do. It's that whole "I'm an asshole, but I don't always mean/want to be" complex I have. Things either don't matter at all, or matter way too much. For some reason, I find it difficult to find a comfortable in between in anything that I undertake. I either epically succeed, or epically fail. Perhaps this is part of the human condition, I know I can't be the only one. There should be meetings for over achievers...
Hello, my name is Aly and I'm an over achiever.
Man, I don't even think this entry is coherent on any level, I'm just siphoning out excess brain goo...
Do you know what you want out of life?
Truly?
Do you know your purpose, or if you even have one?
Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I'm not exactly sure. I know I have some sort of purpose or I wouldn't have gone through everything I have and still be alive, but what the fuck it is I have no idea. Maybe I'm an example of what not to do with your life. I mean, all other bullshit aside, I'm almost 30 years old and I live with my grandparents for fucks sake, and I'm just now finishing up my associates degree, when I should be working on my masters. Bah. There are worse things I suppose. I could be almost 30 and living in a trashy apartment with a couple kids and a dead beat boyfriend. That would definitely be worse...
Thank god for small favors.
Are you comfortable in your own skin?
Are you really you?
Do you even know who that is?
As often as I find myself I tend to lose her the next day. I wake up knowing myself, and go to bed wondering if I did it right. When I go back and read these entries and think about the place I was in life when I wrote them I wonder how I got to where I am right at this moment. Was it intentional? Accidental? Is it part of some grand plan? (it's the ciiiiiiircccclllleeee of liiiiiiffeeeeee) The changes happening around me, influenced by the decisions I've been making have brought out yet another Aly-facet.
people don't change,
their situations do.
So here I am, on yet a different path towards some eventual goal, even though I'm not sure it will make me happy in the end. But that's what we're all here for, isn't it? Some of us have goals and life plans, some of us play it by ear. Which is right? Who the fuck knows. By the time we get to the end of the game, it doesn't even matter anymore. Even if you win at the game of life, you still die in the end. Life is so short... I feel we should be embracing more than what's tangible and disregarding all the bullshit that won't even matter 20 years from now... but the way society is, it's virtually impossible.
What is happiness to you, David?*
happiness: n. obsolete: good fortune: prosperity
a. a state of well-being and contentment
b. a pleasurable or satisfying experience
Thank you Merriam-Webster Dictionary for giving such a fabulously vague and inadequate explanation of such an important word. A pleasurable or satisfying experience? So an orgasm is happiness? It is both pleasurable and satisfying, but I definitely don't equate it with true happiness. Do I know what truly makes me happy? I'd like to say yes, but as I'm typing this my mind just blanked... I know it's the little things. Like memories of my little brother learning how to walk and talk. Dancing barefoot in the grass. Being held by someone who actually cares about me. The feeling I get when I listen to live music...
Bah. I still don't know that those are accurate. I'm thinking that happiness isn't something that can actually be put into words, it's just something that has to be experienced. Although I think some people experience happiness and are just too blind to see it...
Hm.
some people look strange
some people look deranged
some people are just lookin' through you
so when you look at me
i wonder who you see now,
who i am to you
*Vanilla Sky reference
courtesy; the.apples.in.stereo.
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