Happy Corporate Bullshit Candy Hearts Day!

**DISCLAIMER: THIS ENTRY IS ALL ABOUT SEX. IF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE IN ANYWAY, I SUGGEST AGAINST READING IT**

 tell me what you really want from me-- point blank no discussion,
 i'll give it to you no interruption

All right this is a bit of a belated Valentine's Day spiel. I had started writing it that day, but I got distracted by the badassery of my friends who peer pressured me into going to Galactic with them.

This was awesome, and the best It-Sucks-To-Be-Reminded-I'm-Single present ever. So. That being said... here goes.

Valentine's Day has long been celebrated as a day of love and romance, even before Big Business and Corporate America decided to cash in on it and cheese it up with roses and Russell Stover's. (Tulips are better, for the record. Purple ones.)

There are all kinds of stories that surround this romantical holiday. Rumor has it that during Emperor Claudius II's rein men were forced to stay single to make better soldiers and that this Valentine character kept marrying them in secret anyway because it wasn't fair. Personally, I don't buy into this one. It seems awful modern day love story and not in anyway historically accurate.

I, personally, am more apt to believe in the pagan themed theory. Apparently, the Church, in it's infinite wisdom, went in and attempted to Christianize a pagan fertility holiday, Lupercalia. This holiday is documented as taking place on the Ides of February. (Remember your Caesar  "Beware the Ides of March" and all that?) This festival entailed killing and skinning goats and dogs and splattering the blood all over crops and women. Thing is, they ate this shit up. Women who were touched by the blood were seen as blessed and considered to be especially fertile in the coming year. This is more realistic, because human nature is not driven by love, it's driven by sex. As functioning animals, love is a counterproductive part of evolution, as it doesn't help us choose our best mates and try and make babies that will survive in the future... Sigh. Yes. I am one jaded mother fucker, but scientifically, these things are true. Google that shit.

If you know me, you know there will not be anything about conventional romance in this entire thing. If that's what you're expecting, go ahead and stop reading right now because that's not my style. Sure, there are things that I consider romantic, if you'd like to get an idea of what these things are go ahead and read last year's Valentine's Day entry. There's a bit in there about things I consider romantic. Otherwise, you know all I'm going to talk about is sex. Because that's really what it comes down to, isn't it? Let's be honest with ourselves here.

First of all, you need to be able to recognize whether this is a fuck buddy type situation or if it's legit and may lead to something more. There are some obvious signs:

You are (usually) only fuck buddies if:

• they only text you when they're drunk and/or late at night
• they already have a significant other (that's usually an obvious one, but not always)
• they never want to hang out with you outside the house/bedroom
• you never meet their friends or family
• no cuddling action
• no sleepovers
• no kissing/eye contact during sex
• you only ever fuck when you're both drunk

If 3 or more of these are applicable, chances are you're just fuck buddies. There's nothing wrong with this! It's just nice to be aware. I have discovered that for some reason most people aren't as upfront as me and this isn't always made obvious. Why? Dunno. I usually just tell people when I want to sleep with them... Why is that such a strange thing?

All right, so you've figured out where you stand. Groovy. Next step: EPIC SEXY TIME. Even if you are in a relationship you know you've both been looking forward to the romancin' part that comes at the end of the night. (And dear god, PLEASE do not put rose petals on my sheets or play Enya or Barry White or some shit in the background. That would creep. me. the. fuck. out. A bottle of cheap wine, more than two pillows, and pizza rolls with hot sauce, throw in some serious cuddle-action and I'm good to go.)

APHRODISIACS

These helpful little fuckers (no pun intended) got their name from Aphrodite, goddess of love. There are several foods, beverages, smells, and behaviors that are thought to turn you on and make sex better. Since our sex drives are controlled by hormones it's believed that foods that increase specific hormone productions can make the sexy time even sexier. From everything I've read, there is no actual scientific proof behind this, but that doesn't necessarily disprove it either. Random fact: Did you know the Aztecs used to call avocado trees the 'testicle tree' because it looked like a tree with balls hanging on it?

A couple examples: spinach, almonds, asparagus, avocados, bananas, basil, chocolate, garlic, red wine (in moderation)

I would like to take this moment to point out that I discourage random hook ups to celebrate Valentine's Day. If that's how you usually roll at any other point of the year, more power to you, but this would be one of those moments that I'd say go with a standby, don't try somebody new. Regardless of whether it's for love or lust, the familiarity will make you feel better. It's nice to know what to expect and know that they know how to please you and vice versa. Do they like their ear nibbled? How about kisses on the neck? Would she rather have you pull her hair or run your hands through it? 

All right moving forward... Condoms n lube.

Yeah that's right, I'm totally going there. Refer back to the disclaimer if you need to.

FIRST OF ALL-- I would like to state for the record, for all you fuckers (again, no pun intended) who think you're King Dick and all that because you use Magnum condoms... Hate to burst your bubble, but they are at best, a few millimeters bigger than the average condom. It's all a sales gimmick. Check it OR here's a size chart.

Does anybody really like to use condoms? I mean, aside from the obvious purpose they serve? Yeah, I don't think so. If you do, you are definitely in the minority. From what I've heard (and experienced?) the thinner the better, but not loaded up with lube. Condom lube feels kinda funny, especially afterwards. You feel like you just got off a llama-spit-filled-slip n slide. (How's that for a mental image?) There are so damn many varieties, I can't really even form much of an opinion on this because it depends on the mood and who you're with. I will say, I think my faves are the non-latex Skyn. And I dig Durex more than Trojan. But there are so many varieties that this is seriously a very specific matter of preference. The big deal here is that if yer dude is bringing something you don't like to the table, tell 'em to ditch that shit and go snag something you both like.

Buying condoms and lube together is fun, by the way. :D

KY VS ASTROGLIDE

Main difference, there isn't one really, it's a matter of brand preference. Both original formulas contain glycerin and parabens, which can cause irritation and not work very well with the natural lube your body produces. I used to be a fan of the His and Hers KY until I ran out of one and tried to use it independent of the other. Holy sweet TITS. Do. Not. Ever. Do. That. It's like icy hot on your bits. Seriously. My eyes are watering right now just recollecting this. So I was stuck with this half bottle of lube that was completely useless, and that shit's expensive. Plus, it dries out faster and gets all sticky and gummy. Ew. So, if you're not into the whole natural thing and your skin isn't too sensitive, go with the Astroglide. Otherwise, take the time to look into other stuff that has natural and paraben-free ingredients, your body will thank you.

Oh-- and flavored lube is nasty. Just don't go there.
Ew.

Okay, okay, I think I've made everybody feel awkward enough with all this sexy talk and way more information than you probably wanted to know about my sexual preferences. But everybody likes sex, not everybody likes romance. I'm just keepin' it real.

On that note, I shall leave you to your own pervy thoughts and go back to enjoying my own.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

The soundtrack I made for this entry is absolutely ridiculous, I am aware.

ohmygod. meganfox.