*DISCLAIMER: If you don't want to read one of my whiny, whiskey fueled rants I suggest against partaking of this particular journal entry. If you're game, then by all means. Go ahead and assume I am most likely blowing things out of proportion and/or exaggerating circumstances. I feel that this should be a given, but just in case you were unaware you have now been warned.. My feelings are hurt and I've been crying for two days. I am therefore allowed to write however I damn well please.
And, per usual, I have provided a soundtrack for the entry.
Enjoy. Or don't. Whatevs.
he regrets having no regrets
and his long nights on the outside
let, letting it slide slide
one more time
...
what do you want?
what do you want to know?
make a decision
it never feels like the right time to go
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
you think he's a liar
so save your sorrow
...
while you act like you are losing your mind
over whatever truth you find to be a lie
as he fades out of the room
into his mind
...
what do you want?
what do you want to know?
make a decision
it never feels like the right time to go
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
you think he's a liar
so save your sorrow
...
pick up the pieces of these words
shattered across the floor
with careful hands
you know these words are sharp
and you can read the blood
you can read the blood
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
...
it spells out everything about a man
who he is and where he's been
you watched his eyes ten thousand times
but you don't see
maybe you're wrong
and his long nights on the outside
let, letting it slide slide
one more time
...
what do you want?
what do you want to know?
make a decision
it never feels like the right time to go
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
you think he's a liar
so save your sorrow
...
while you act like you are losing your mind
over whatever truth you find to be a lie
as he fades out of the room
into his mind
...
what do you want?
what do you want to know?
make a decision
it never feels like the right time to go
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
you think he's a liar
so save your sorrow
...
pick up the pieces of these words
shattered across the floor
with careful hands
you know these words are sharp
and you can read the blood
you can read the blood
(what do you want, what do you want to know?)
...
it spells out everything about a man
who he is and where he's been
you watched his eyes ten thousand times
but you don't see
maybe you're wrong
Okay, so I'm fucking pissed. My feelings are hurt and when I'm sad or mopey I get pissy. And I already hate this time of year. Shall I list the multitude of reasons? yes, I think I shall. (I told you I was going to whine. You thought I was joking, didn't you?)
REASONS WHY ALY HATES DEC-FEB
- Dec 17, 2001: day I almost died and lost my sense of smell. I'm usually left with a feeling of "Why me?" when this day comes around. There are plenty of good people who have died for far better reasons and I did not ---and I'm not even a very good person.
- Christmas just sucks. No explanation necessary.
- January 21, 2009: Keaton Allen Flood, one of my best good friends, wraps his baby blue Jeep around a light pole and dies on impact.
- January 28, 2010: Marc Parrone Jr., one of my good friends from high school dies from a suspected overdose.
- January 30: my motherfucking birthday.
- Feb 14: stupid bullshit corporate holiday that makes single people feel like shit
Please stop saying "Oh you can handle this, you've been through so much already and you're so strong". Fucking'a I am! I'm fucking awesome. (Just ask me, I'll tell you all about it.) Or my personal favorite. "He doesn't deserve a girl like you. He'll never find anyone like you..." blah blah blah. Guys want to fuck me, but they don't want to date me.
Anyway.
Just because I'm awesome doesn't mean I want to be all. the. fucking. time. Am I ever allowed to actually be vulnerable? Or am I just one of those people who just has to be a bad ass every second of every day?
Why is it so hard for people to be real anymore? Is it that hard? Have we gotten so far away from reality that we rely on our fucking internet boxes and mini-robots to communicate for us? If you can look someone in the eye and tell them that you care about them. If you can hold them while they're sleeping and tell them over and over again that you're not going anywhere then you can fucking look them in the eye and tell them when you don't want to be with them anymore. If you can get yourself into the situation then you can damn well get yourself out of it. (god, I sounded like my dad right there.)
My friend says that it's a typical thing these days. Not many people have the courage to do the stand up thing anymore. I call bullshit. Yes, it's hard to look someone in the eye and say "I don't want you anymore." Nobody likes to do it. It fucking sucks. But I think it's harder to look someone in the eye and say "I want to be with you, I care about you." That's open ended, they may not respond the way you want them to. You face possible rejection. Whereas when you're ending it, that's it. It doesn't really matter how they feel because you've already made up your mind right? There isn't any open ended option, it's just done...
if there's one thing i can't take
it's the sound that a woman makes
about 5 seconds after her heart begins to break
I've been referred to as a cold hearted bitch on more than one occasion because I can do this. I am not an asshole that enjoys hurting people, contrary to popular belief. I definitely do not enjoy it. But if I know it has to be done I at least owe it to that person to step up and do it the right way. Why do I have bigger balls than most of the guys I know? Just stop with the bullshit and be up front. How do we ever grow if we never know where we need to re-sow? You may be afraid to hurt their feelings, but you're being a truer person by being honest.
Just so you fucking know.
And this doesn't just apply to romantical type relationships, this is just some real life bullshit. Stop being so afraid to be real. I get told all the time that I'm different than most people. I'm interesting. "I've never met anyone like you before". You know why? Because I tell it like it fucking is. If you're fucking up I tell you. If you ask for my advice I give you my honest opinion. When you need me, I'm fucking there. I'm not afraid to belly laugh in public and make funny faces at babies in line at the grocery store. I listen to Katy Perry full blast and dance like no one's watching. I walk around naked on a regular basis. If you ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer. You want me? Here I fucking am.
if there's two things that i hate
it's havin' to cook and tryin' to date
bustin' ass all day to play hurry up and wait
that's a few things that i hate
goddamnit.
The composition of this entry was aided by one Mr. Johnnie Walker. Tomorrow is my day off and he knows I'm on winter break so he decided to come and visit for the evening. Wasn't that sweet of him?
Don't judge me. Just be glad I'm not drinking bourbon. This is truly a public service I'm doing for serious. Hell hath no fury like an Aly drunk on bourbon.
courtesy; minus.the.bear/jason.isbell.&.the.400.unit
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