Sometimes I go back and read the gibberish I put out there and I wonder if anyone realizes that I'm full of shit. Now don't get me wrong, I fully back everything I say... as long as it applies to someone else. I mean, I know I'm a bad ass and all, but occasionally there's a crack in the facade. They tell me that's okay, but it's hard for me to admit. I'm writing about it on here so I can force myself to get it out; so bare with me.
No one is happy all the time. If you are, you are way too heavily medicated. And I love my life, I do. But at the same time... it fucking sucks. It's so fucking hard. And the thing is, I can't even allow myself those moments of sadness, because I rationalize it away. "Well my life is tough, but think about those homeless teenagers you saw on the video in social problems today. How about teenage moms who don't know what to do. What about people with AIDS. Or cancer. People who would love another chance at life, and I nearly wasted the one I've got... one which I've been granted multiple times."
On the one hand, this is healthy because it keeps me from sinking into that dark place that fucking sucks, and this is good. It puts things in perspective and shows me that my life isn't that terrible, it's just trying at the moment. It won't always be this way, I know that. But sometimes it feels like it will be.
On the other hand, it's also healthy to let those feelings out. Sometimes we get overwhelmed and we need to express those thoughts, feelings, whatever. But I can't. I don't. I bottle it up inside and try and get rid of it some other way. Working harder, most of the time. GAME FACE. For fucks sake I can't even cry anymore. I tried. It was a truly pathetic attempt. My eyes might water up and I might get that single "guy tear" but that's about it. I'm not sure this is a good thing. It does save on makeup because then I don't have to redo it, but I'm pretty sure we're supposed to let some of that shit go. But I always smile through the bullshit and move the fuck on. Aren't we supposed to process that emotion? Take the time to appreciate it for what it is before we move forward, so that we can understand it and where it comes from. After all my self inflicted bullshit, I've started to just filter it out. Iono. It's generally easier this way, and most of the time I'm totally okay with it. i won't think about that now, i'll think about that tomorrow. But I do occasionally wonder if it's healthy. Maybe it's just how I deal with shit. I work it out in the background of my mind, not the forefront. When I focus on it I get that hamster wheel thing going and I obsess over it until I've blown it so out of proportion I'm not sure where the line between reality and imagination is anymore..
So to conclude... I'm awesome, but it's occasionally just an act. And it's more for my own benefit than yours. But I suppose that's how life works. Everyone's life is tough, it's all in how you choose to handle the bullshit.
Life's not fair, no one ever said it would be.
good stuff
ReplyDeleteTink is LeeAnn cuz
ReplyDelete