cognitive distortions.

if there's two things that i hate, it's havin' to cook and trying to date.

 busting ass all day to play hurry up and wait... 

that's a few things i hate.

HOPI PROPHECY. 

FURTHER READING. 

FURTHER READING.

The past few weeks seem to have been especially hard on people. I've been talking to a lot of folks and while the stories aren't the same, nobody seems to be happy. Is it a shift in the alignment of the planets? Is it the weather? Perhaps the drought is causing previously buried tensions to expose themselves. Maybe it's just a sudden culmination of all the bullshit life throws at you and coincidentally it's occurring everywhere. It could even be the fulfillment of 2012 prophecies, as a friend of mine pointed out. WHO KNOWS. What I do know is that my heart hurts for these people.

Throughout the years I have acquired the status of "good listener", which is a big part of the reason I'm going into counseling. For some reason people like to tell me things. Hell, even strangers at the bar tell me their life stories. I may not be the smartest person in the world, and I've been told I can be obstinate and opinionated, but I genuinely care about my friends. I guess all of my life experience with bullshit gives me a rounded perspective on how shit works. Iono. This is just speculation. Whatever.

Happiness is not one of those things that, once achieved, stays with you. It's something you will constantly have to work towards. You see a happy person on the street, you encounter them at the store, you spend time with one of your friends who seems to have their shit together. Your perceptions may or not be true, but know that this may possibly be for your benefit. There's the AA philosophy of "fake it till you make it"... sounds cheesy, but it works. Slap a smile on your face, make every person feel like they're the most important individual at that moment, compliment everyone... boost those serotonin levels! And keep in mind, your body has to be healthy for you to get the full effects. The body follows the mind. Get enough sleep, eat better, maybe stop drinking so much, or put the damn pipe down for a couple of days. It may seem counter productive, but it helps, I promise.

As I've said before, and probably ranted about in some other place, your emotions follow your thoughts. There's a type of therapy called "rational emotive therapy" which, when applied, can make your life easier. This isn't necessarily aimed at people with mental disorders either (although I believe everyone is a little crazy), but it's more a way of thinking that seems such a simple concept... yet so few people actually apply it.

There are several cognitive distortions that people employ without realizing it, and then are confounded when they find themselves at the bottom of the bottle looking up. Life is not that complicated, you're just making it that way.

Common Cognitive Distortions:

All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

I was late to work, I suck at my job.

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

My boyfriend broke up with me, everyone always leaves me.

Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened.

I can't believe I said that! They must think I'm a fucking idiot.

Disqualifying the Positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

I got an A on that test, but I got a B on the last one.

Jumping to Conclusions: You make negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out.

He didn't respond to my text, he must think I'm trying too hard.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.

This court date is going to end with me being in jail, I just know it.

Magnification: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your fuck up or some else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow's imperfections)

I failed that test, now I'll never get into a good school!

If you notice, all of the examples are thoughts followed by a negative emotion. You don't HAVE to feel that way, your just choosing to perceive life that way.

EVENT -----> THOUGHT -----> EMOTION 

Control your thoughts, you control how you feel. 

courtesy; jason.isbell.&.the.400.unit/dr.art.perlman.

shenanigans!

last night's dream. 

I'm about to go on a rant about work and the overall stupidity of the general population. If you don't want to read about such things, I suggest you stop right here.

Oh. And I'm in the process of trying to quit smoking, so I'm grouchy. I'm honest enough to admit that. I've got 3 half cigarettes left and I'm not buying anymore. So. My usual patience is stretched pretty thin right now.

All righty then!

First and foremost, when you work at a job where there are separate departments keep in mind that it is still one store, that the cooperation of all of you is what makes the store run. This whole, "well that's not my department" attitude is bullshit. Yes, sometimes I'm busy with my own projects and can't take the time to help out because I have deadlines to meet. But if you're standing there goofing around and I've got a UPS line and a CPC line, why is it so difficult to hop behind the counter and take 5 minutes out of your day to help that customer? They may not be in your department, but they are still your customer. They are still shopping in your store.

Which leads me to my next point, just because you have transferred departments, or are working a different department for that shift, doesn't mean you have turned off that part of your brain for the day. If there's a call for another department that you can answer, as long as you aren't busy with a customer or project, why not take it? The amount of time it takes to page that department could be the same amount it would take to answer the question. Seriously. This is extremely frustrating.

Third, just because I don't look busy does not mean that I'm not busy. Just because I'm not dealing directly with a customer does not mean I'm standing around with my thumb up my ass. People come in, they give us orders, we work on them on a first come, first serve basis. When I only have 10 minutes or less of down time between customers its needs to be used to complete those projects, because chances are they will be in sometime later that evening to pick it up. Granted, this is not an always situation either. There are sometimes days at a time where I have nothing to do. I can only clean so much lol. Those days, I have no problem whatsoever helping out others in any capacity.

Fourth, and this is directed at customers... I ONLY HAS TWO HANDS! Yesterday was hot and humid, the lines were long, and everyone was grouchy. But it is not my fault that you came in when you did. I make minimum wage people. You probably make more than I do in two weeks in a day. Yet I'm trying to be as gracious as possible and do your job to the best of my ability, in a timely fashion. So why is it so hard for you to be polite to me? If you see there are 3 people in front of you, how can you expect me to have your copies done 5 minutes later? I can only be in one place at a time. It is nothing personal when I have to make you wait, I just have to take care of the person in front of you. And again, just because I'm not dealing directly with a customer does not mean I'm not busy. I am a great fucking customer service rep, I will smile at you, I will try to make your experience as pleasant as possible, and I will do my best on your job because that's just how I roll. I don't half ass shit. If you're going to do it, do it right. I take pride in my work, even if it's just some bullshit copy job. One of these days, I'll be the person on the other side of the counter, and I'd like to think that I'd get shown the same respect.

Fifth; To the lady that threw a temper tantrum over $8.63 because you're too much of a fucking idiot to realize that we can't give cash back on prepaid cards... get. the. fuck. over. it. Little hint, our store is not one of those that you can throw a fit in and expect to get your way every time. The more you argue, the less likely you are to get your way. We aren't Walmart or McDonald's. You are not necessarily always right.

biatches.

/end rant.

alydanceparty! juLy action.

aLydanceparty! juLy action.

lotso Incubus.

why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay?
why don't you be the writer
and decide the words i say?
cause i'd rather pretend
i'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?

The Warmth; Incubus

...so don't let the world bring you down. not everyone here is that fucked up and cold...

Pardon Me; Incubus

...so pardon me while i burst into flames, i've had enough of the world and it's peoples mindless games...

I Miss You; Incubus

...so would i be out of line if i said, i miss you?...

 Whist;e; Flo-Rida
...you just put your lips together and you come real close...
Give Your Heart a Break; Demi Lovato
...the day i first met you, you told me you'd never fall in love. but now that i get you, i know fear is what it really was. now here we are, so close, yet so far, haven't i passed the test? when will you realize baby i'm not like the rest? don't wanna break your heart, wanna give your heart a break. i know you're scared it's wrong like you'll make a mistake. there's just one life to live and there's no time to wait...
Boyfriend (Remix); Mike Stud
...you give good head girl, i call it intellect...i can't be your boyfriend i thought i'd let you know. we can have some fun tonight, but then i gotta go. you can find a better man out there on your own. 'cuz if i was your boyfriend i know i'd do you wrong...
Good Time; Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen
...we can have a good time...
Your Love is My Drug; Ke$sha
...i like your beard...
 The Writer; Ellie Goulding
...why don't you be the writer and decide the words i say...
The Fighter; Gym Class Heroes
...here comes a fighter...
Scream; Usher
...like oo! baby baby oo! baby baby...
Make Yourself; Incubus
...if i hadn't made me i'd be more inclined to bow...
Drive; Incubus
...whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there with open arms and open eyes...
Circles; Incubus
...hey what would it mean to you to know that it would come back around again....know that everything moves in circles...
Wish You Were Here; Incubus
...i dig my toes into the sand. the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket.i lean against the wind, pretend that i am weightless. and in this moment i am happy, happy. i wish you were here..
Out From Under; Incubus
...to resist is to piss in the wind. anyone who does will end up smelling. knowing this why do i defy... 'cuz my inner voice is yelling...
Consequence; Incubus
...blink and you miss a beat keep one of your eyes at all times. you think that you're on the brink, the shit hasn't even begun to hit the fan...




courtesy;ellie.goulding

pool shark.

i used to be so cool. 

sink

with speed

to the bottom

grope

with broken arms-

clamoring

scrape

bloody fingers

torn & scabbed

for the top

light

undefined-

casting

shadows

against the outline of the real

fallacy-

honesty-

lying in the sun

trusting in the darkness

twisted

perception
of loving
hate
that never leaves
never dies
never sleeps
only waits
for
the descent.

and you, you will be mean and i, i'll drink all the time.

and you,

you will be mean

and i,

i'll drink all the time

'cause we're lovers

and that is a fact

yes we're lovers

and that is that.

though nothing

will keep us together

we could steal time

just for one day

we can be heroes

for ever and ever

what d'you say?

i love you like a thunderstorm, like a lion, like a helpless rage...

Love is stronger than any addiction, so they say. They also say it is one. I think both are true. might as well face it you're addicted to love When I think about being lonely I'm reminded of that euphoric feeling I get when a relationship starts. You know what I'm talking about. That butterfly feeling your tum takes on when the image of their smile pops into your head. Or maybe a memory of how it feels when they kiss you. The curve of their jawline. The way their hair falls into their eyes when they lean forward to pay attention to what you're saying... and how they subconsciously swipe it out of their face when they reply. And no, this is not going to be another whiny rant, I'm actually at peace at the moment. take back your feet, take back your hands, take back your words. take back your heart, take back your pride. This is a realistic observation. People get judgey towards those who have problems; whether it's addiction, financial crisis, familial issues etc. etc. etc. But everyone thinks it's okay to love someone. Kinda like how being a crackhead is bad, but drinking a 6 pack every night and smoking a pack a day is okay because they're legal. Talk about hypocrisy.

"Cast not the first stone" as they say. Who the fuck are we to judge someone else?! What about you makes you so superior to John Doe over there? Oh, that's right. Nothing. Perhaps your sense of entitlement and your parent's bank account makes you think so, but nope. You's wrong. Now granted, before I get all carried away bitching about spoiled rich kids, I acknowledge that there are people who bust their asses for what they have, and they are deserving of what they get. However, that doesn't make them better than people who won't do the same for themselves. It may make them smarter, but not better. There is a difference. We're all the same. Blood, bones, flesh, organs. We all have a heart and a brain and genitals that have a tendency to do our thinking for us... we're all a result of circumstances. Where we were born, who we were born to, when we were born. Time is infinite. Past, present, future; they're all occurring at the same time in infinite variances. Intelligence does not necessarily equate with superiority. You can be book smart as hell, but that doesn't make you compassionate. Doesn't make you people smart. Or wise. Wisdom is not the same as intelligence. It takes times to become wise, you have to live for that to come. Take a smart 20 year old, give him 20 more years of life, see how wise he is at 40.

Most people have a hard time balancing their focus. Concentrating on the future is important. Focusing on the present is important. Reflecting on the past is too, it can give you strength and direction to show you what you really want to be. But what is the perfect balance? I may think I have the answer about a lot of things, this is not one of them. I have no idea. I recognize the significance of these elements, but I have no clue which takes precedence over the other. I'm not even sure one should. Personally, I think becoming lost in the past is counterproductive. I've said it before, the past is a nice place to visit, but you can't stay there. Spending your energy concentrating on a reality that doesn't exist anymore is futile. Recognize your past weaknesses, mistakes, glories, and accomplishments and let them help you with the decisions you make later in life. But the present and the future... those are tricky. Living for the moment is important to me. carpe diem. I have it tattooed permanently on my right arm where I can look down and see it at any moment, and that's why I put it there. Seize the day. Seize the fucking day. Each day could be your last. How would you feel if today was the last day you lived and you spent it angry because some guy in a shiny new Ford (fuckFord) cut you off on the way to work this morning? Wouldn't you rather go into it thinking man, it's a beautiful day today. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, I love my family, and I'm so thankful I even woke up this morning. Wouldn't that be a much more pleasant way to spend your last few moments on earth? And the future... the future is important too. It's what you have to look forward to. As our high school guidance counselors always told us, "Plan for the future. Think ahead." Know where you're going with your life, with your decisions. Making blind choices based 100% on emotion is FUCKING STUPID. Take this from someone who has learned this from experience. Occasionally this works out. Note: OCCASIONALLY. Not always. You have to learn to recognize the difference in these situations. I'm not saying I'm an expert at this, I am by no means an expert at anything. (well, okay, I might be at a couple of things... but you'd have to have been there to know. haha) but I know how key this recognition is. 

But I digress away from my original point. Love as an addiction. Everyone wants to to get back to that euphoric feeling of the honeymoon stage of a relationship. I know sitting here right now, I would like nothing better than to reacquire said sensation. But, there's so much more that goes behind that. Love is not a sudden thing. Love at first sight is pretty much bullshit. I allow that you can make an instant connection with someone, but it takes work from there. Love grows, it develops over time. you gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had It's not all faerie tales and happily ever afters and blah blah blah. If that's how you consider love, you're better off staying alone. Celibate, even. Or just stick to drunken one night stands. Because you're only going to get hurt over, and over, and over again. If you love someone, you love EVERY PART of them. The good, the bad, the ugly. You love them when they're dressed up to go out on date night, and when they wake up in the morning with nasty breath, bleary eyes, and hair that sticks out in 25 directions. You love them when they're laughing, you love them when they're crying. You love them even when you're standing across the room yelling at them because you're arguing. You love them enough to never let them sleep on the couch, no matter how angry you both are. You love them through the bad times and you should never walk away. Love should be unconditional.

That kind of love is not the part that's addicting. It's the euphoric puppy love stage that's addicting... so many people confuse the two. My problem is once I get past that stage I'm not sure where to go from there. I've never really had a good example of a healthy relationship so I'm pretty much clueless. This would probably explain why I've only had one relationship that's made it past a year, and that was a terrible, TERRIBLE idea. (Some of you were around for that, you know it's true. Man. Talk about fucking crazy.) So. Instead of getting high on the sensation of a new relationship and constantly searching for that, enjoy the euphoria while it lasts, then become addicted to the idea of commitment. If you don't think this is for you, stay distant and don't let yourself fall that hard.

Ah...

Ramble, ramble.

I did it again, back to one of my original topics.
Gotta work on that.
At least I'm not whining, I'm being insightful.




Anyway.
I'm probably full of shit.

courtesy; david.bowie/ken.follet/project.pat