flashbacks.

 Flashbacks.

They suck. Like, real bad. And they're triggered by the most random things. Earlier I was sorting through my unnecessarily large collection of jeans and found a pair of identical jeans to the ones I was wearing That Day. (NOTE: I was going through a lot of stress at the time and my weight frequently fluctuated due to my binge eating so I had duplicates of a few pairs, but in different sizes.) I loved those jeans, they were my absolute favorite. They were 90's light wash straight legs that had just the right amount of stretch. They were great work pants, comfortable and breathable even in hot weather. But seeing them and touching them reminded me of how work went That Day and then seeing ...graphic things on my legs. And looking down at them in the car seat. Trying to move my arm and leg and not understanding why I couldn't. Seeing parts of my leg I should never see; my meatbag is supposed to keep those parts inside. Funny, I had calmed down the flashback reading through my old stuff (which always works for whatever reason) but then I started writing about it and it brought it back. I guess I can let this be one of those moments where I sit with the feeling and talk to it instead of trying to shut it down. Therapist would say this is a good opportunity for that. If I don't let it out in little leaks I might explode. When I write I feel things, and even though those feelings suck it's better to get them out. Practice what you preach darling. 

Okay. I got it out, I feel better. See, short and sweet non' sae bad ist? 

hmm...

Quoted from page 1 of "No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwarts in his book on "Internal Family Systems".

We were all raised in what I'll call the mono-mind belief system - the idea that you have one mind, out of which different thoughts and emotions and impulses and urges emanate. That's the paradigm I believed in, too, until I kept encountering clients who taught me otherwise. Because the mono-mind view is so ubiquitous and assumed in our culture, we never really questioned the truth of it. I want to help you take a look, a second look, at who you really are. I'm going to invite you to try on this different paradigm of multiplicity that IFS (internal family systems) espouses and consider the possibility that you and everyone else is a multiple personality. And that is a good thing. I'm not suggesting that you have multiple personality disorder (now called dissociative identity disorder), but I do think that people with the diagnosis are not so different from everybody else. What are called alters in those people are the same as what I call parts in IFS, and they exist in all of us. The only difference is that people with dissociative identity disorder suffered horrible abuse and their system of parts got blown apart more than most, so each part stands out in bolder relief and is more polarized and disconnected from the others. In other words, all of us are born with many sub-minds that are constantly interacting inside of us. This is in general what we call thinking, because the parts are talking to each other and to you constantly about things you have to do or debating the best course of action, and so on. Remembering a time when you faced a dilemma, it's likely you heard one part saying "Go for it!" and another saying, "don't you dare!" Because we just consider that to be a matter of having conflicted thoughts, we don't pay attention to the players behind those debates. IFS helps you not only start to pay attention to them, but also become the active internal leader that your system of parts needs.

i am living proof.

 Pagan polytheistic transcendental Christian deist

The Life and Morals of Jesus Christ 

The Jefferson Bible

hahahaha as defined by the dictionary there are many contradictory terms in that statement, but as far as what I believe? That's it. My faith has recently become very important to me. Not that in some way shape or form it hasn't always been, but it's a prominent feature in my daily thoughts. Without it I don't think I would have made it this far. 

When I think about what I believe and who I think watches it out for me the answer is so complicated even I don't understand it. But just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't know. Knowing and understanding are not always the same thing... at least when it comes to faith.

Regardless of what you believe, you can't tell me that I have survived all the terrible life choices and near death experiences by luck? That I got through my childhood and getting hit and dragged by a truck, then my intense teenage years, followed by years of addiction and a chaotic lifestyle. Went through alcoholism and hit rock bottom not once, but twice before I finally crawled somewhere safe. Then Hubs came along. And we helped each other grow. Part of this included going to school, which came with its own challenges, and most recently my Martha Mae CRV tried to fight a tree. Alas Martha Mae CRV did not survive, but she gave her life to protect mine. 

HONDAS ARE THE WAY TO GO. BUY HONDA. 

(unfortunately Honda is not reimbursing me for this)

It's seems like since dad died last Easter life has snowballed into what Therapist calls "cascading trauma" (sounds legit, need to read more). 

Ugh. I think I might've just decided to go back to school. 

When I say I can't stop listening to this album ME put on my Spotify I am not exaggerating. It's my current anti-anxiety album. It reminds me of how I obsessed over the Kesha album when it came out. The lyrics and vibe were exactly what I needed at that moment. Same with this one. I have mixed feelings about her singing about Jesus. We all know how I feel about that. I believe he existed and he wanted people to be nice to each other, but was he a wizard? Nahhhh. That's why I'll be celebrating Easter in pagan fashion this year instead of celebrating zombie Jesus day. It's intriguing how as Christians we wear signs of his ultimate punishment. It just seems odd to me to do that. The alters with the bloody dude hanging there are unnecessary. It's there to evoke feelings of guilt and shame. Cast they gaze upon my bloody corpse and anachronistically Aryan styled face and feel SHAMEFUL FOR YOUR SINS. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING BAD, EVEN THOUGH MY FATHER MADE YOU THAT WAY.

...um...what? Why would you want to worship a deity that uses pain and punishment to test faith? Why would you worship a deity that would sacrifice a child for you? What? If a regular person did that would you think they were awesome and almighty, or would you think they were at the least fucking nuts, if not pure evil.

But hey, you do you boo. I don't believe in a vengeful God. As many times as I've tried I still can't put my believes into words... but that is a point I can make with confidence. My God wouldn't put me through pain to test my faith. That's dumb. Shit happens. Life happens. Karma happens. Everything happens for a reason, but not to test how I feel in my faith. Things happen to teach lessons and shape our lives and decisions. It's what we do with that Shit when it happens. Do we let the Shit get theb est of us? Or do we say fuck this shit, double down, and work harder to overcome it?

I've tried both. Guess which one ended up being the better choice in the end? Duhhh. I don't know how not to work hard. Even when I want to be a bum, I still find ways to make work for myself.

The other day I told my friend how it would be nice to have a break from hard work for once. I mentioned how I felt like I've been working hard my entire life and it would be nice to have a break to be sad, and scared, and lonely. I don't like to talk about being scared. I can tell people I'm afraid of the dark and wasps, but I won't talk about how afraid I was during The Thing.

This. This is why I haven't written in awhile. Writing makes me feel things, damnit.

How can I write a book if I don't write? What I need to start with is reading actual books. This social media blocker app is super clutch. That's probably why I'm here writing, I haven't been able to play on my phone all morning. REMINDER: Set up a timer for every morning this is bangarang. Funny how one simple thing can make such a big difference. I didn't ultra wake n bake this morning either, I started my day accomplishing a task before smoking. I'm going to fade that in so I can keep my mojo going. My mojo has been on fire since I've been cutting down. 

OH! I forgot to document the super ME moment I had the other day. I woke up sad, but was going through the motions and making coffee. For some reason that morning I decided to open Spotify on my phone instead of telling the robot lady good morning in order to get an NPR news brief and weather report. On the screen was an artist I have never seen before and the title of the album was Jesus Changed My Life. Well, we know how I feel about this type of thins above. So I checked recent listens. I knew Hubs wouldn't listen to that religious themes nonwithstanding; he abhors country music. My last listen was Tom Petty radio, Hubs listened to his HUBS PHAT BANGERS playlist and that was all trap and metal so nope. Nothing related. For funsies, I listened to the album and WOAH. I have not listened to an album obsessively like this since Linkin Park. The lyrics hit hard. Clearly Gma sent this to me. It's a guilty pleasure, I only rock it in my headphones. And no one reads this so I feel it's a safe space to confess. Or perhaps, if you are a rando reading this please don't judge me. If you like empowering women belting out some mildly religious lyrics in a pop country manner this gal is for you. Anywho. 

i am living proof

so many moments i've seen you still come through

when it looked hopeless you said i'm not done

and looking back i see what i've become

i am living proof there's a God that's real

i am living proof that your hands still heal

my life, my every breath

tell of your faithfulness

there's nothing you can't do

i am living proof

so many reasons, so many miracles

so many times you've done the impossible

so, in the shadows give me eyes to see

the power of heaven still alive in me

Wow. This is a long entry. I think the standing desk is a game changer.

 courtesy; the.smithsoniain.institute/katy.nichole

legendary.

 So the playlist I posted the other day is growing and evolving and I am kinda sorta hyperfixated on it. It's seriously just... epic. And I require some validation from other top tier music fans. 

I let my friend in on it to help collab because the vibe reminded me of his taste in music. It flows just right. I love it when I have a playlist that I'm proud of instead of a "oh god please don't judge me" moment.

I watched the movie One Day yesterday, it's one of my favorites. It's one of those that stays with you and every time I watch it I think about it for days after. 

I was told I have legendary taste in music today, that was pretty cool.