judge not lest ye be judged.

All right kids, we're gonna take a few minutes to talk about addiction. What it is, what it really means, the misconceptions people have, and how it's treated. Because I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the ignorance, in most cases intentional, of such a complex and misunderstood disease.

Addicts are people too. Don't try and act like you've never done something dumb. Like fucking without a rubber which produces unplanned children.

But hey, babies are socially acceptable. It's cool to bring a child into the world and potentially fuck it up because of your lack of preparedness, but it's not okay to spend your time alone, hurting only yourself, which is not the potential happiness of someone else's entire lifetime.

Because THAT makes fucking sense. (I'm kind of pissed right now, can anyone tell?)

OR how cigarettes and alcohol are socially acceptable even though more people die from cigarette and alcohol related health issues than over doses. And we can buy this shit at the gas station! The grocery store!

And by presenting these facts I'm NOT saying that narcotics are okay! I'm just trying to shine a little light on the hypocrisy of people.

Alcohol Use and Health*

• There are approximately 80,000 deaths attributable to excessive alcohol use each year in the United States.¹
•  This makes excessive alcohol use the 3rd leading lifestyle-related cause of death for the nation.² Excessive alcohol use is responsible for 2.3 million years of potential life lost (YPLL) annually, or an average of about 30 years of potential life lost for each death.¹

Tobacco use is the leading preventable cause of death.*

• Worldwide, tobacco use causes more than 5 million deaths per year, and current trends show that tobacco use will cause more than 8 million deaths annually by 2030.³
• In the United States, smoking is responsible for about one in five deaths annually (i.e., about 443,000 deaths per year, and an estimated 49,000 of these smoking-related deaths are the result of secondhand smoke exposure).¹

MEANWHILE...

• In 2008, more than 36,000 people died from drug overdoses, and most of these deaths were caused by prescription drugs.*

And see how it says prescription drugs? Funny... that shit is supposed to be regulated by the government...I mean, our insurance pays for that shit.

Sorry this statistic wasn't as impressive as the others, but I couldn't find the original site I was looking at and all the other stats were on numbers of users as opposed to number of deaths. Still. I feel my point is made.

Anyway.

WHAT IT IS

Merriam Webster's Online dictionary defines it;

addiction:  noun a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;
broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

It is also listed in the DSM-IV with varying levels of specificity.

Dependence or significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 3 or more of the following during a 12 month period:**

1. Tolerance or markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect or markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of substance
2. Withdrawal symptoms or the use of certain substances to avoid withdrawal symptoms
3. Use of a substance in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
4. persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use
5. Involvement in chronic behavior to obtain the substance, use the substance, or recover from its effects
6. Reduction or abandonment of social, occupational or recreational activities because of substance use 
   
7. Use of substances even though there is a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance

WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS

So what does all this psychobabble actually mean you say?

It means that we are all pre-programmed to become some type of addict. Whether or not it is genetically dominant in you or your family has not been documented with a completely certainty, more as a reoccurring trend. And whether or not it actually happens is partially up to you. This is a nature vs nurture thing. If it's in your family history, but you are raised in a completely different environment, will you still be susceptible to becoming an addict? Conversely, if it doesn't run in your family and you still become an addict is it because of how you were raised? If you step out of the physiological components of addiction, ie the "I must have this shit to function" part and look at the psychological aspects, which is what most people consider, it gets kinda Freudian.

According to Freud our mind is divided into 3 categories:

• The id which is characterized by a desire for instant gratification. This is what is at work when we are all born. It's the-- I WANT IT, I WANT IT NOW. As a baby we scream till we get our bottle (or boobie) or if we need a diaper change. This is a purely instinct driven, unconscious part of our mind.

• The ego which is what serves our id. The id, in a sense, is purely fantasy. Our mind conjures images of what we want and the ego seeks to fulfill them. So the ego is what separates our mental reality from the reality of the outside world.

• The super ego or our morals. This is all the junk we learned when we were kids about how to get a gold star and stay out of time out. This is the Jiminy Cricket part.

Addicts, criminals, and newborns are all very id driven. In the case of the newborns it's obvious, they don't know anything else. But addicts especially are driven by that instant gratification mentality. Which, on a side note, I believe society at large is becoming very id driven. We live in a world of instant gratification. Push a button, it's there. Turn a switch, it's there.

And we're wondering why there's such an overwhelming problem with addiction in the world today.

For fucks sake.

So if we take it a step further and get into the actual physiological response to the brain it gets a bit more medicall-y sounding. Basically what it comes down to is DOPAMINE. Dopamine is happy juice. It's what our brain releases when it's happy along the "reward pathway."

Why does the brain prefer opium to broccoli?***

The question of addiction has been put that way by Steven Hyman, a former director of the National Institute of Mental Health. The answer involves the nucleus accumbens, a cluster of nerve cells that lies beneath the cerebral hemispheres. When a human being or other animal performs an action that satisfies a need or fulfills a desire, the neurotransmitter dopamine is released into the nucleus accumbens and produces pleasure. It serves as a signal that the action promotes survival or reproduction, directly or indirectly. The system is called the reward pathway. When we do something that provides this reward, the brain records the experience and we are likely to do it again. Damage to the nucleus accumbens and drugs that block dopamine release in the region make everything less rewarding.

In nature, rewards usually come only with effort and after a delay. Addictive drugs provide a shortcut. Each in its own way sets in motion a biological process that results in flooding the nucleus accumbens with dopamine. The pleasure is not serving survival or reproduction, and evolution has not provided our brains with an easy way to withstand the onslaught. In a person who becomes addicted through repeated use of a drug, overwhelmed receptor cells call for a shutdown. The natural capacity to produce dopamine in the reward system is reduced, while the need persists and the drug seems to be the only way to fulfill it. The brain is losing its access to other, less immediate and powerful sources of reward. Addicts may require constantly higher doses and a quicker passage into the brain. It’s as though the normal machinery of motivation is no longer functioning; they want the drug even when it no longer gives pleasure.

MISCONCEPTIONS

What I'm trying to say in all of this is that it is a medically documented issue. That ignorant people beget ignorance. It is my hope that by trying to educate as many people as possible that not only will addicts regain some of their sense of selves through the support of the general public but that in turn it will help prevent the number of addictions in the end. Being an addict makes you a social pariah. Why would you want to come forward and ask for help if people are going to judge you? Why not just keep doing what you're doing and let people think you're fine? This mindset is NOT OKAY with me. Everyone has problems in life and they shouldn't be afraid to ask for help just because some fucktard doesn't understand.

Quitting isn't as simple as, "Well why don't you just stop?" Try telling your body that you don't have to pee anymore, or that you don't need to eat. As you read above your brain has internalized this feeling and taken it to a primitive level that says it needs the dope for survival. At this point it is not a choice.

TREATMENT

There are a variety of treatment programs out there for the whole scope of addictions. I'm pretty sure there are even ones for sex and porn addicts. There are inpatient, outpatient, clinics, 12 step programs, halfway houses, medical aided rehabilitation, homeopathic treatments...

Basically it's whatever works best for the person. And no one is going to get clean unless they want to. You can't force your agenda on somebody else and expect it to work. If they're not ready it just won't work. Some people need the structure and routine of an intense inpatient treatment program, followed up with 12 step meetings forever after. I personally think 12 step programs are another form of brainwashing/addiction, but that's just a personal opinion and not a very popular one.

The rehabilitation programs I plan on working for are the ones that allow the use of medication to not only help the patient come off the drugs in a healthy manner, making it less likely that they'll relapse, but also treat the possible underlying mental health issues that could have contributed to the addiction in the first place. 

And if you think you need help, get it. It takes a stronger person to ask for help than it does to sit back and wait to die. Or to go to jail. Because there's only three ways out of that lifestyle. Recovery, Jail, Death. 

That's it.

PREVENTION = EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION. 

Children are not being taught proper drug facts in school today and the whole "War on Drugs" propaganda is insulting to our intelligence. Open your eyes people... it's everywhere. And the sooner they start teaching that and showing people what it's REALLY like out there, the better our chances are of decreasing the number of drug related deaths.

For any additional information you can look through the links below that I used or check out The National Institute of Drug Abuse if you want to learn more about a specific drug or area. There's all kinds of cool charts and maps 'n shit.

Okay guys, I got serious in this one. Something I saw on Facebook set me off and it made me want to take the time to put an informed piece together. Stop being so goddamned ignorant. Before you judge, turn the mirror back on yourself and look real fuckin' hard. Instead of being judgmental get yourself some balls and learn how to have compassion. Y'know, maybe try and help somebody.

*cdc.gov

**http://www.uscourts.gov/uscourts/FederalCourts/PPS/Fedprob/2006-09/accountability_table1.html

***http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/The_addicted_brain.htm

R.I.P.

i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

Winter is a season of death.

Actually, fuck that. January is a month of death.

Period.

Yes, I realize this is a pretty bold (and morbid) statement, but over the past few years I just keep getting proved right. So many wonderful young people suddenly just... gone. In the past five years I have now had three of my friends die within a week of my birthday. Keaton Flood, one of my best good friends. Marc Parrone, someone I had practically grown up with and who had helped me through a lot of bullshit. Devon Elbe, a kid I used to go to shows with and party with all the time when I lived in Belleville. They were all in different stages of their life and they were all significant to me in different ways. However one thing remains the same...

They're all gone.

Just like that.

In moments like these, when your heart hurts and you're trying to understand why and struggling to accept it, we become afflicted with survivor's guilt. Yes, there is such a thing. We feel guilty that we're the ones that are still here and they're the ones that are gone. We can come up with a million reasons why it should have been us. This sometimes gets incorporated into the bargaining stage of grief. Remember when you were a kid and you'd say something along the lines of,

"Mommy I won't ask for ANYTHING else ALLLLL year if you just buy me this pony right now."

Loss is such an impossibly overwhelming emotion to deal with. In my opinion, it's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through because there is no finite start or finish. It's an infinite process, an infinite feeling. You may find ways to cope with it and accept it, but that feeling, that hole, is still there. Once you've lost something or someone there is never anything that will be able to fill that particular hole in you. Instead, we have to find a way to put a band aid over it, let it heal, and move on.

KUBLER-ROSS MODEL; FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

(yep, I'm gettin' all psych major on you for a second)

1. Denial.

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance.

Nobody goes through these stages in the exact same way or the same order. And you will be going through the cycle over and over and over throughout your lifetime, it's not something that ever stops. Even as I'm accepting it, I'm still angry about it. Make sense?

Anyway.

To bring some positivity into this otherwise fucking morbid little bit, I try and remind myself that times like these should remind me of how lucky I am to still be here. How lucky we all are. And that to waste the time we have is complete disrespect to those we have lost. They were young and will never have the opportunities that we have and if we pass them up or neglect to fully live we're just proving that their deaths were completely pointless and gave us no meaning. Yes, we want them back. No, we didn't want them to die.

But they did.

And now we should honor their memories by making sure we live like we fucking mean it. Every morning that you wake up is a gift; it's not written anywhere that you have to wake up. There is no rule book for life. The Bible is more of a set of guidelines, really.**

Basically what I'm trying to say here is I'm pretty bummed that all these wonderful people are gone and that I'll never get to hug them or laugh with them again. Hell. I never even got to buy Keaton his first drink at the bar. The fact that he never made it to 21 really bothers me.

But I let that remind me to enjoy my life for them and for me. The sun is out and it's a new day and I am here. When thoughts of them pop into my head I make a wish and know that wherever they are, they're happy. And laughing at us poor suckers stuck down here in the 12* weather.

Never leave without saying goodbye or I love you. Hug the ones you love, often. Keep in contact with the friends you haven't seen in awhile. Smile. Laugh. Live a grateful life.



R.I.P.

Chad Wood
Kevin Hutson
OB
Keaton Flood
Marc Paronne Jr.
Devon Elbe
Jana Gaines

UPDATE:

Leo Mangrum (6/813)

iloveyou.

the oreo cookie saga.

what bugs me is you believe what you're saying

Colin: "...well, you're just cut from a different cloth than most"

Aly: "That's weird. I don't get that. I'm not that special or anything. 
Why is it so hard for people to be... y'know. Real people?"

I was talking with a friend of mine last night and we were in one of those relationship discussions where she wanted to know my opinion on this and I was listening while she told me what she wanted and expected, the things she was afraid of, and the best parts of what they had so far.

Very sweet to hear.

Totally not something you want my opinion on, however. For starters, everybody knows I'm a jaded motherfucker. A cynic in a world full of ignorant optimism. My rocky past has brought me to where I am now and while it sucks and there are lots of bad memories that give me nightmares, I accept it and embrace it. Because it gives me knowledge and insight into the world around me and allows me to see things and people for what they really are. Most of the time. If my own personal feelings start getting caught up into it, if I lose my objectivity, then it's game on. Once my stupid super-intense emotional state turns on my brain tends to get told to shut up. Stupid hormones. Then again, I guess everybody does that. Maybe my problem is that I'm aware that I'm not thinking clearly, but I can't bring myself to care. And that drives me nuts.

This topic of conversation left me thinking about relationships as a whole, not just romantic ones. Friendships, parent/child relationships, work relationships... Y'know. The whole caboodle. All of them. And I started thinking about how all of this technology that "brings us together" has completely changed our lives. And not just in the little ways. It's cool being able to talk to my friends that live in the city now that I'm out here in the boonies, I'm pumped about that. But take a step back and think about it. For those of you that can remember a time before facebook and text messaging... You passed notes in class and pissed your mom off by running the battery down in the cordless phone every night. If someone didn't answer their phone you left a message and hoped they'd call you back, you didn't blow up their phones with text messages or creep their facebook page and try and find them. You actually had to interact with people. They got to see/hear the real you. I may be able to fake being in a good mood, but you can usually see it in my face when I'm pissed about something. Glass face girl right here.

But with text message and facebooking and skyping and all that stuff... The world now only sees what you want them to see. The best parts of you. All the pictures that I post on facebook? Yeah, it takes me like half an hour to get ONE good picture. I take like 15 before I get a good one. So you see what I want you to see, I don't post the ones where I thought I was making a cute face but it really looks like I stabbed myself in the foot.

When we talk to people they are only showing us the parts of themselves that they want us to see. That is a generalization that can be made in any circumstance. We let people see our crunchy cookie outside, because nobody wants to see the cream filling. All of this mass communication technology puts even more barriers between us and the real world; it adds an extra layer of cookie.

This, my friends, is why people have such a hard time being real anymore. Because why should we have to be real? We'll meet someone, spend time with them, but then spend 80% of our time communicating with them through some sort of robot box. So why worry about being real? You can say "I love you" through a screen but then you miss the look they get in their eyes or being able to feel their heart speed up or watching the blush creep up around their cheeks because you just made their stomach drop to their toes.

Conversely, you can say "I don't want to be with you anymore" through a screen and then you don't have to see the color leave their face or the tears come into their eyes. You don't have to deal with what happens next because you aren't there.

Which, of course, all of the above is total bullshit. These emotions were given to us so that we could experience them in real life, with all the whistles and bells and bullshit that goes with it. We live in such an impersonal world right now, and it's only getting worse.

Yep. I'm an asshole.

But I keep it real.

when i said,

when i said i'd take you

i meant--

i meant as is.

courtesy; ani.difranco.

think boxes for sale!

 i must isolate you, isolate you and save you from yourself

So I say this every year, but this birthday is super important to me so by god I will enjoy myself. No bullshit drama, no illness, no lack of celebration. And goddamnit I WILL have birthday sex this year! I've gone too many years without it... I'm on a fucking mission, so everyone has been forewarned.

It seems that every year my birthday comes around and something bad happens. I'm not even going to get into it or list the issues and sit here and make myself some cry baby soup. It's just an acknowledgement of fact. The best birthday I can recall would have been my 17th... there were balloons, HAPPY BIRTHDAY's written on windshields, and the sweetest surprise party every. So yeah. That will have been 10 years ago this year.

Sad, no?

I'm just gonna go ahead and throw out there that this birthday scares the hell out of me. It's more significant to me than my 30th birthday will be, I think. Because I always figured I'd be dead by now due to my lifestyle choices. To be honest, the next year kinda freaks me out too. I have a whole year of being 27 to get through. I always said that if I managed to live this long and wasn't happy with the direction my life was taking that I would just stop what I was doing and change it. Fortunately for me, this has already happened. I'm content with the direction I'm heading. Mind you, I'm not super pumped about how I have to live my life at the moment, but it's temporary. A stepping stone, if you will. So I will be goddamned if I allow myself to have another bad birthday.

I believe birthdays are important and should be significant to everyone. It's the one day out of the year that's supposed to be all about you. I'm not generally that kind of person, I don't like the attention. If you pay attention to me, groovy, but I'll not fight for it. Which echoes my sentiments regarding relationships and dating. You either want to be with me or you don't. Just be fucking honest and upfront about it.

Anyway.

Living in a Facebook McWalmart world threatens our individuality by encouraging us to accept our inevitable fate of living as sheeple.. We isolate ourselves and rely on robots to fulfill our desires. It's not "I'll call you or drop you a line" anymore. It's "Text me or Facebook me".



I mean Facebook is even it's own action verb now for fuck's sake.



fuck.



Even the people who try and be different or alternative are unique, just like everybody else. The thing is, each and everyone of you is fucking awesome. You were born that way, so fucking embrace it. There are no two snowflakes that are identical and the same can be said about humans. But our society encourages conformity. Conform to being normal. Conform to being different. Conform to being a stoner. Conform to being an alcoholic. Conform to being a Jesus freak. We put ourselves into these tidy little cubby holes and find ourselves out of our comfort zone when moved to a different one.

So why not take a day and celebrate the day that you came into this world, that your individuality was born. Some people have a tendency to downplay it as just another day. See that's how I feel about Christmas; I attach no meaning to it so it doesn't do much for me. In my opinion it's just another corporate holiday that guilt trips people into wasting money that they don't have on fucking *STUFF. It's just stuff, you can always get more stuff. Why work so hard for that dollar to blow it on someone who probably won't enjoy what you got them? Now I understand practical gifts... like I got socks, pajamas, and a new computer. Those are not just knick knacks (world's stupidest presents, btw. don't buy them for me. I only like knick knacks that were handmade by my friends. I don't need more stupid shit, I already have too much) Christmas isn't special. It isn't about the religious experience or the shared family time, it's about money, money, money. (And stuff, of course.) We feed the corporate hog when we buy into the whole holiday *shopping frenzy. They sit back in their offices and laugh at us stupid average Joe's who scramble out to buy poorly manufactured junk that will be obsolete in a year. And what does that do? That makes us go out and spend another $500 on another piece of poorly manufactured junk. This makes us feel important and trendy, as we are "keeping up with the times". Or the Joneses, depending on how you see it.

And the family time... don't even get me started on that bullshit. I'm an observer, I watch people... it's just what I do. Spending time with my families (however limited) showed me that even when we are surrounded by people we love we still aren't actually interacting with them. No one has real conversations anymore without pulling out their phones. Which I find vastly entertaining. We'd rather talk to people through a robot box than interact with our loved ones who are standing right in front us. Loved ones that we probably only see but the one or two times a year. We text the guy/girl we're currently fucking whom we see every day and speak half sentences with no eye contact to our cousin. And the thing is the recipient of aforementioned text is doing the same thing to their families.

Well shit... I started this entry about how I want to have a kick ass birthday and how everyone should see their birthdays as a day to celebrate themselves and their loved ones should celebrate them too... and I ended up going on a rant about "the man".

Oh well.

USE YOUR THINK BOX--

STOP BEING COMPLACENT

*I sincerely suggest watching these videos, George Carlin is a fucking genius.

ALYDANCEPARTY! birthday countdown: 27 days

jan. 3, 2013 

Dancin' In the Streets; Grateful Dead

...everybody was dancin', dancin' in the streets...
Tangerine; Led Zeppelin
...tangerine, tangerine, living reflection from a dream; i was her love, she was my queen, and now a thousand years between...

Cupid; Sam Cooke

...cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow go straight to my lover's heart for me...

Pussy, Money, Weed; Lil Wayne

...she's fly, flyer than me, flyer than you...

I've Seen All Good People; Yes

...don't surround yourself with yourself, move on back two squares, send an instant karma to me, initial it with loving care...

  Been Caught Stealin'; Jane's Addiction

...and it's just a simple fact when i want something and i don't wanna pay for it...

Far Behind; Candlebox

...now maybe i didn't mean to treat you bad, but i did it anyway. now maybe some would say your life was sad, but you lived it anyway...

Earthquake Weather; Beck
...i push, i pull the days go slow into a void we filled with death. and noise that laughs falls off their maps all cured of pain and doubts in your little brain. something's coming, the sky is purple...

Pickin' Wildflowers; Keith Anderson

...gonna get a little piece... on earth...

Pachuca Sunrise; Minus the Bear

...this is a city for not sleeping and the clocks are set by feel. at this moment from where i sit, none of it seems real...

Lies & Eyes; Minus the Bear

...he regrets having no regrets and his long nights on the outside letting, letting it slide slide one more time...

C'mon Feet; Think Thank Thunk

...instrumental awesomeness...

*this is the part where grandma made me dust my blinds... definitely a first for me.

Strange Clouds; B.o.B ft Lil Wayne

...all we do is pour it up all night, drinks out. and all we do is light it up all night, all you see is strange clouds...

Little Lion Man; Mumford & Sons

...and it was not your fault but mine and it was your heart on the line. i really fucked it up this time, didn't i my dear?...

Your Latest Victim; Park

...she's in it for the nicotine boys, more poised than perfect...

Bouncing Off the Walls; Sugarcult (complete with Ryan Reynolds and Tara Reid appearances)

...mommy and daddy's got the best cocaine, ritalin's never gonna be the same...

The Dirty Glass; Dropkick Murphys

...well you bit off more than you could chew the first day you met me...

Old Alabama; Brad Paisley
...she'll take a beer over white wine, campfire over candlelight...

Dirt Road Anthem; Jason Aldean

...smoke rollin' out the window, an ice cold beer sittin' in the console. memory lane up in the headlights, got me reminiscin' on the good times...

House Fire; The Junior Varsity

...words like razor blades slice into my veins, exposing all my pain, all that's left of me...

I'm Afraid of Americans; David Bowie

...i'm afraid of Americans, i'm afraid of the world...

Super Bass; Nicki Minaj
...boy you got my heartbeat runnin' away, beatin' like a drum and it's comin' your way...

I'm a Thug; Trick Daddy
...but i know one thing that this is the life for me... baby 'cuz i'm a thug. all day erryday, wouldn't change for the world, that's right you heard...
 
Hey Ho; The Lumineers
...i don't know where i belong, i don't know where i went wrong, but i can write a song. hey, i belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart...
No Interruption; Hoodie Allen
...i got power like a motherfuckin' x-men, married to the game but i'd rather be the best man...

Skyfall; Adele
...let the sky fall, when it crumbles, we will face it all together...


I Write Sins, Not Tragedies; Panic At the Disco
...what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore...

Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off; Panic At the Disco 
...is it still me that makes you sweat? am i who you think about in bed? i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck... so testosterone boys and harlequinn girls will you dance to this beat and hold each other close?...

Sail: AWOLNATION
...maybe i'm a different breed, maybe you're not listening, so blame it on my a.d.d baby...

 Look At Me Now; Chris Brown
...how can you hate from outside the club? you can't even get in...