volcanic distortions.

how 

can

 i

 live 

without

 my 

heartbeat?

what i am to you
is not real.

mogwai binge.

a false memory would be my everything, a denial of my element

Sometimes I go back and read the gibberish I put out there and I wonder if anyone realizes that I'm full of shit. Now don't get me wrong, I fully back everything I say... as long as it applies to someone else. I mean, I know I'm a bad ass and all, but occasionally there's a crack in the facade. They tell me that's okay, but it's hard for me to admit. I'm writing about it on here so I can force myself to get it out; so bare with me.

No one is happy all the time. If you are, you are way too heavily medicated. And I love my life, I do. But at the same time... it fucking sucks. It's so fucking hard. And the thing is, I can't even allow myself those moments of sadness, because I rationalize it away. "Well my life is tough, but think about those homeless teenagers you saw on the video in social problems today. How about teenage moms who don't know what to do. What about people with AIDS. Or cancer. People who would love another chance at life, and I nearly wasted the one I've got... one which I've been granted multiple times."

On the one hand, this is healthy because it keeps me from sinking into that dark place that fucking sucks, and this is good. It puts things in perspective and shows me that my life isn't that terrible, it's just trying at the moment. It won't always be this way, I know that. But sometimes it feels like it will be.

On the other hand, it's also healthy to let those feelings out. Sometimes we get overwhelmed and we need to express those thoughts, feelings, whatever. But I can't. I don't. I bottle it up inside and try and get rid of it some other way. Working harder, most of the time. GAME FACE.  For fucks sake I can't even cry anymore. I tried. It was a truly pathetic attempt. My eyes might water up and I might get that single "guy tear" but that's about it. I'm not sure this is a good thing. It does save on makeup because then I don't have to redo it, but I'm pretty sure we're supposed to let some of that shit go. But I always smile through the bullshit and move the fuck on. Aren't we supposed to process that emotion? Take the time to appreciate it for what it is before we move forward, so that we can understand it and where it comes from. After all my self inflicted bullshit, I've started to just filter it out. Iono. It's generally easier this way, and most of the time I'm totally okay with it. i won't think about that now, i'll think about that tomorrow. But  I do occasionally wonder if it's healthy. Maybe it's just how I deal with shit. I work it out in the background of my mind, not the forefront. When I focus on it I get that hamster wheel thing going and I obsess over it until I've blown it so out of proportion I'm not sure where the line between reality and imagination is anymore..

So to conclude... I'm awesome, but it's occasionally just an act. And it's more for my own benefit than yours. But I suppose that's how life works. Everyone's life is tough, it's all in how you choose to handle the bullshit.

Life's not fair, no one ever said it would be.

i don't need you to save me.

lend me your eyes i can change what you see

but your soul you must keep totally free

Know that you are not weak., you are not worthless. Life will kick your ass, I don't care who you are, your life is not perfect. It may have different ups and downs than mine, but that doesn't make it easier or harder. Our realities are all unique to our own perceptions and experiences. Be brave, fight back. Give the bullshit the finger and tell it to go fuck itself. Don't be a fucking pussy. Surround yourself with people and things that make you happy, DON'T SETTLE. When you settle you're admitting defeat, and you're too good for that. Knowing when to ask for help and how to go about it is healthy. We're not supermen. But it's a lot different than relying on someone to take care of you; we are not children. Be self sufficient, you don't NEED anyone. You may love them and want them, but you don't need them. "All you need is love" is true, but self love is the most important. (And no, I don't mean be an egotistical fuckwad or masturbation.) You can't love anyone else truly unless you love yourself. This is a lesson it's taken me a long time to learn, which is probably why I suck so bad at relationships. You don't need anyone to save you, you have to save yourself. Someone may come along that opens your eyes and says, "hey dipshit, you're fuckin' up" and that's okay. But they can't save you, your parents can't save you, your boy/girlfriend can't save you. If you're waiting for that day, you might as well give up now because it's never gonna happen. Never accept less than you deserve. Ever. No excuses.

it's okay baby, just relax..

courtesy;mumford.&.sons

aLy dance party! new digs action!

let's hear it for starting from scratch...
again!

For those of you who are unaware, about a month ago I transported all my shit (the 3rd move in a year) to my grandma's house in Mt. Vernon. Living in Belle Rive just wasn't working out anymore, for various reasons. For the first time in over 10 years I actually have a bedroom in which most of the furniture is not comprised of milk crates... wOot. And for the record, I like my eclectic room, you may say it makes me look like a teenager, I don't particularly care. It's my style, it makes me happy, so get the fuck over it. It's never going to change.; my houses will probably always look like dorm rooms, and I'm perfectly okay with that. Some people would say that makes me "artsy". Maybe. 

Anyway.

This weeks cleaning/unpacking jams...

(in no particular order)

-The Pixies; entire "Death to the Pixies" album, most notably:

 -Where is My Mind?

-Here Comes Your Man

-Wave of Mutilation

-New Shoes; Paolo Nutini

-Paper Thin; Xavier Rudd

-Follow the Sun; Xavier Rudd

-MGMT; entire "Oracular Spectacular" album, most notably:

-Time to Pretend

-Electric Feel

-Kids

-Save it for Sunday; Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit;

-Elizaveta; Snowing in Venice
-Home; Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes

-Be Quiet [and drive far away]; Deftones

-Lady Grinning Soul; David Bowie

-Rock n Roll Suicide; David Bowie

-Heroes; David Bowie

-The Widow; The Mars Volta  ...and i never, never sleep alone...

-Tom Sawyer; Rush

-Savior; Rise Against

-Animal; Miike Snow

-A Case of You; Joni Mitchell

-Some Nights; Fun

-Good Time; Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen

-The Ocean (is Bleeding Salt); Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

-All at Once; Jack Johnson

-Apologize; Silverstein cover (don't judge me)

-L'Via L'Viaquez; The Mars Volta

it ain't personal, it's just business.

but i think you should come and take a ride

see the world through my eyes

every day is a surprise

what do i stand for?

Time for change...

I say I hate moving, but if I stay in one place more than a year my feet start to itch. I think why I really hate moving is because I have way too much shit. Every time I relocate I tend to downsize... which is a good thing. It's just stuff, you can always get more stuff. Anyway. I've been caught up in my own personal bullshit lately, and it's not something I feel like sharing at the moment, it's still a bit raw. Give me a week or so, and I'll go on one of my usual rants.

I'm taking an American History II class online this semester, and my first assignment is an introductory essay. One paragraph on who we are, one paragraph on a historical event that has shaped our lives. Here's mine; keep in mind this is like round one. I have till Friday to submit it, so expect serious changes before I turn it in.

 My name is Alyson MYLASTNAMEHERE, but everyone calls me Aly. I'm 26 years old, and they tell me I'm a 'non-traditional student' but I'm not a big fan of the phrase, since it makes me sound old. About a year ago, I moved here from Belleville, which is where I grew up, to be closer to the rest of my family. Previous to that I lived in St. Louis for a few years, and I'll admit the change in scenery has taken some getting used to. I currently work at the copy and print center at Staples and maintain a full course schedule here at the school. I'm a workaholic and a bit on the nerdy side, so the busy schedule works out for me. When I'm not studying or reading (which I do constantly) I love live music and can honestly say I've been to almost a thousand shows. There's something about the environment, that buzz in the air that's created when large groups of people are enjoying themselves that sets the experience above most others. I live by the philosophy that if you work hard, you deserve to play hard too because you have to have balance to maintain a happy life.

When you ask me to describe a historical even that has shaped my life, there are several that come to mind. However the situation in the Middle East, and the ongoing war that has injured so many of my former classmates brings to mind the war in Vietnam, more specifically the Berkeley demonstrations of the early '60s. The atmosphere created in our country by policies such as The Patriot Act, which are limiting our basic civil liberties, are reminiscent of those enforced during Vietnam. The 'Free Speech Movement' of 1964 began as an outcry from the students of the university as they became increasingly frustrated with the restrictions placed upon them by the administration. As Americans we have a constitutional right to speak out against a war we do not agree with. We have a right to want our boys home in one piece, both mentally and physically. Without going into further detail I say this has been significant to me because I feel this situation corresponds with what we are encountering in the present. I understand the frustrations of watching my friends and family come back from the desert with full on PTSD. The repercussions of this war, like those in Vietnam, are more psychologically damaging than people realize. The harm done not only affects the soldiers themselves, but those waiting for them at home. The demonstration at Berkeley symbolizes a mentality of social awareness and sparked a movement which continues today. It urges Americans to exercise their rights to freedom of speech; to think for themselves before allowing those with power to make their decisions for them.

/end.

I managed to go on a political rant. I never do that! I usually keep my feelings to myself on those levels, but once I started writing they kind of popped out. I plan on doing more research before I submit this, I hate sounding like an uneducated, pretentious, asshole. It goes along with that 'fear of failure' thing.

All that being said, on a completely unrelated note, I wish people would just fucking relax. LIFE ISN'T THAT SERIOUS. it's only life, after all. Live, love, laugh, die. We all have the same ultimate conclusion, why do we fight so hard to make the intermediate story so goddamn difficult? I've had folks breathing down my neck my entire life, wanting to know why what I'm doing isn't good enough for their standards. More specifically, the last year I've been stuck under a magnifying glass for the world to see, revealing my deepest, most shameful secrets to the last people on earth that I want to know them. And you know what? I toughed it out like a FUCKING CHAMP. Just because you don't live up to your own personal standards, don't take those issues out on me because I can. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, it's what you choose to do with them that matters. I'm not here to sit in judgement on anyone, because who I am? In fact, I'm choosing to dedicate my life to listening to people who are tired of being judged.

seriously. people. just get the fuck over yourselves.
It's just life.
You're making yourself unhappy, no one else.

I fucking love you all... but.

goddamn.

/endfedupangryaLyrant.




courtesy; kid.ink/indigo.girls

discovery.

"i want to discover. everything. i want to discover why i know what's right and still do what's wrong. i want to discover what happiness is and what value there is in suffering. i want to discover why men go to war and what they really say deep in their hearts when they pray to god. i want to discover what it is that men and women feel when they say they love."

 



courtesy; tolstoy.